Ptsd

[Jimd]

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder SUCKS! Just when you think it's quiet, the crap comes back with a vengeance and kicks your ***.

I've been having a tough time lately. Been having dreams again about the prison. I constantly feel that I have to be vigilant and "on guard" 24/7, like I can't ever let my guard down. It's tough to relax. I mean, all day at work, I have to be on my toes against those who want to kill me. And it's become so ingrained that it's difficult to leave it at the gate on the way out.

It certainly does not promote the intimate time that a husband and wife need. And that upsets my wife.

For the past couple of days, my stomach has been screwed up; I haven't eaten a lot and I was throwing up two mornings ago (no, it's not morning sickness), and I know it's because of my nerves.

I've been helping my wife through some issues that her screwed-up childhood gave her, and in the process, I allowed my own issues to go on the back burner. And guess what - Mr. Murphy swooped in and made a bombing run on my ***, saying, "Here ya go, Jimbo, some issues that you thought you were done with!" And verily, they tumbled down, uponeth my head!

I talked some more today with my wife about it, and that helped somewhat.

I'm going to revise a plan of attack on this nasty, rotten disorder and then kick its ***. Again.

I think that part of my problem is that I'm cursed with empathy for others. I see all the horrible stuff that people do to each other in the world and it makes me want to cry - wars, people murdering, beating each other, kids being molested and killed. And then I go to work with the people who actually do these things. And all day long, I watch them suffer. And even though many of them are the lowest form of scum, I still do not enjoy watching people suffer all day long. It's like my life has all this suffering around it, and I'm sick of it.

And it's not like I can easily change jobs - the job situation around here sucks. I need this job, at least until I can transfer out to another duty station.

Thanks for listening to me piss and moan. Any prayers are, as always, very appreciated.

[Donut]

You can do it, Jim. I have faith in you.

Maybe you can think of something that is fun for you to do that you haven't done in years, and do it.

Sometimes something simple like playing whiffle ball can turn your day into a great one. For a while at the job I have now, we would all go out on our break and play frisbee or whiffle ball or... whatever, and it is surprising how much stress it relieves.

Hang in there.

[THG]

Get some help, man. Don't let it destroy your family and yourself.

Stay safe.

[nathan310]

My advice would be tell a psychiatrist.

[SmoothOne25]

My advice would be tell a psychiatrist.

i see a a doc for some issues. its cool. there is nothing "bad" about it or wrong or weak... my advice is to deal with it now before it gets worse. dont suppress it, it will only get worse. imo i would say if your job is giving you probs maybe a change is in order. let your wifes issues be her own, have her see someone and then this frees you up to have your own time for your issues. dont be embarrassed about the idea of medicine either. i am in school for and work in a pharmacy and after i graduate i will continue working there for my life and recommend the miracle of medicine to everyone. i had/have probs and find, that even for a while, medicine with correct medical supervision can work wonders. i had a substance abuse problem caused by being around pills all day and the knowledge learned form pharmacy school and the addiction led to terrible depression and anxiety and probs and i decided to see someone and am currently on maintenance medicine program and it has worked wonders. i couldnt be happier. you have to see what works for you. i am not saying drugs are a cure all but they can offer a boost to your body, even enough to get you over that hump and get your daily life back on track. take a vacation with your wife somewhere just the two of you and relax. pts is easily treated these days with a combo of talk and drug therapy and i know some people and have some links to treatment if your interested. i am in nj and cant help too much unless you live near me in terms of recommending doctors but i am sure you can use the internet to solve some probs. good luck and get better soon. dont wait. there is no shame in being sick and you are sick. it is a real sickness, PTSD. checical inbalance. did you serve in the military? they can help offering advice or doctors locally. hope you get better. good luck :)

[StangBang]

Jim,

Stay strong brother. You will persevere and with God all things are possible! You and your family are in my prayers.

Take care man

[D1omedes]

Jim, don't think you're abnormal due to your empathy. That's an incredible trait that truly separates you from many others.

I'm confident that you will successfully resolve your ptsd. And like others have said, you should seek professional help if it continues. It's easy for insecure, bull___ idiots to ridicule those who visit "shrinks" but they are not the ones having to deal with the crap you do.

I wish you the best.

[sarguy]

I agree on many points. Hang in there. Having a wee bit of time spent in corrections, I saw a certain unhealthy bit of machismo and dysfunctional martyrdom present among COs, cops, and other emergency services types. While bucking it up sometimes works, there's nothing wrong with professional "coaching". Come to think of it, look at all these athletes, musicians, and other people who have consultants to improve their performance. We don't think anything of a fitness or voice coach. Why not a coach for the psyche?

I will pray for you, my friend. Go for a walk or run, laugh, spend some time in the sun(and take extra vitamin D, seriously), get some good thai food, and bawl your eyes out while watching Marley and Me. :) (and I'm not kidding about the vitamin D)

[hickster]

Dude, you need a change in jobs. Seriously, let it go. Do something else for a living. Don't let those (in-)human scum bring YOUR life down to their level. Think about it. Either separate your life from theirs emotionally or do it physically. It's as simple as that. I don't know, the shrinks can fix you like incarceration can fix those animals? I don't have much faith in that.

Note: I am not a psychiatrist or mental health professional. I have no idea of your economic situation or employable outlook. BUT, I know happy, healthy and (somewhat) poor beats paranoid, miserable, and (somewhat) stable.

You're a saint for dealing with those types as long as you have. It's always those 10%'ers though, huh?

Do what you need to do, but don't live in misery. That's for the prisoners.

I'd say more but I do not want to color my character any more in any one post.
hickster

[FIMS]

I suffer from the ugly rearing head of PTSD. I finally accepted it a few years back.

PM if you want to chat.

[tonydahose]

Jim, if there is anything i can do let me know. i know the police and fire here have places where you go and talk stuff out with people who know what you have to deal with. check it out or call your insurance and ask them what is covered under your plan. i am with smoothone, get yourself back on track before you try helping your wife do the same. if you are covered both of you find a doc to see (dont know if different ones or the same seen at different times or together is the way to go, i am clueless on that:confused :) ) get some help, even though this place is great to hang around, it isn't enough to help you with this.

[clovisc]

hey jim!

when i worked at a women's shelter, i've gave support to a number of victims of violence -- women, children, and teens -- who suffered with ptsd, and am pretty familiar with it, and the damage it does.

ptsd is not a matter of too much empathy, or any sort of character flaw on your part -- it is something that occurs on the physical/biological level. you can be the biggest, hardest, coldest-hearted dude in the world... yet still have ptsd. it's kinda like your "fight or flight" instinct has gone berserk, and is way out of control.

it's also something that you need to be sure to speak with a doctor about. you can't "manage" it alone, or with sheer human willpower... you need support.

i also agree that if you're having these kinds of problems, you really should find a different job. the damage ptsd can do to you, your relationships, and your family is really not worth it.

i hope things get better for you, my friend.

-jason

[Jimd]

it's kinda like your "fight or flight" instinct has gone berserk, and is way out of control.
-jason

YES!! That's exactly what it feels like!! You hit it on the head. It's like the flight or fight response has gone into overdrive, and won't shut down.

I've been seeing a therapist for years, and without the therapy, I definitely would not be married at this time.

I'm also on meds, which have helped. But at this time, I realize I need to concentrate more on relaxation.

I used a big chunk of vacation time over the Christmas/New Years Holiday. It helped some, but....
It's just to the point where I was having a very difficult time relaxing. Even on vacations I didn't relax as much as I'd have liked to.

The stress leads me to neglect that personal time that a husband and wife need very much. And then my wife gets upset. And then that adds to the cycle of stress. And then it snowballs. You get the picture.

So I realize that to stay normal, and keep a good family life, I must break that cycle, if only for a few hours per week. And that's what I'm going to focus on for now.

Sometimes I get angry because my wife doesn't understand what I've gone through and go through every day, and she doesn't want to understand most of the time. It doesn't seem fair that I sacrifice my sanity and risk my life, and she doesn't seem to care unless it disrupts our relationship.

****, sometimes I'm mad at the world for not understanding what my coworkers and I go through, the sacrifices we make. It only seems to be you guys here that understand what it's like. I get angry because "average" people enjoy the luxury of ignorance, not knowing what those who protect them every day go through.

I mean, I know that they can't all know, in a practical sense; they have their own lives and jobs to look after. But I get jealous of those who don't risk their lives daily. At times, I feel like screaming, "WHAT THE __CK, PEOPLE! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!!"

And then I think of the guys serving overseas, fighting for us, and I realize I don't have it that bad. I come home to my family every night. They're the ones who really have it tough.

My war is fought behind a 35-foot wall. I don't know for certain that I'll come home at the end of a workday. I could get whacked with a shank any day, and it's almost happened on several occasions.

I want to thank everyone for their awesome advice and concern. Please keep it coming.

[aebfroman]

Have you tried focused breathing or meditation? I've had similar issues dealing with ocd and I have found that taking small breaks during the day to do some of those exercises puts me a lot better state by the end of the day. I know ocd isn't the same as ptsd but your description of the anxiety seems very analogous so some of the coping stratgies might work for you as well.

[dialex]

Hi Jim. Unfortunately, all I can do is mentioning you in my prayers. I hope things will get better for you, although the world will keep being the same - or worse...

[raven]

Hey Big Jimd, Give Me A Call Brother If You Need To ... You Know How To Get A Hold Of Me . I've had similar incidents ... same symptoms. You'll Get Through It . Don't Hesitate to call me ... I'm Here For You Bro. Take Good Care and Be Safe Always. Prayers Sent My Friend.

God Bless :)


-raven-

[jackburton9807]

PTSD blows, trust me...been there in a big way. I dealt with some serious issues following some stuff I dealt with on the job. But, believe me on this one, you can and will get through it. It took me a while, and the genesis of the problem is still with me nearly every day, but I can safely say it is behind me now and does not affect my life. I also would reccomend talking to someone, mental health, clergy or whatever works for you. Godspeed

Jeff

[grunt0331]

And then I think of the guys serving overseas, fighting for us, and I realize I don't have it that bad. I come home to my family every night. They're the ones who really have it tough.

My war is fought behind a 35-foot wall. I don't know for certain that I'll come home at the end of a workday. I could get whacked with a shank any day, and it's almost happened on several occasions.

i respect you more than words can describe. i've been to war, yet couldn't possibly cope with all that you have to deal with. i'm sorry if this doesn't help, but you are truly a Warrior and a Hero. good luck, Bro! you have an outstanding support system here on the forum.

[Jimd]

Words can't convey my appreciation for the support you guys show me.

My wife and I took one of our daily walks today, and we had an awesome talk. I felt so much better afterward!

It's becoming more and more clear that I simply have to set aside more time and focus on the fact that I need to put emphasis on de-stressing.

I really don't see myself as a hero, but thank you for the suggestion. A warrior - okay, I'll accept that one. :rolleyes:

[Jazz]

You're in my prayers, bro. You'll be safe and well, and your marriage will be great. Hang in there. The work you do is appreciated.

- best wishes, Jazz.