Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

Everyone has the right to be stupid, it's just that some people abuse the privilege.

***

I was hoping for a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.

***

You can't fix stupid, but you can sedate it.

***

I wish I spoke idiot so I could tell you off in your own language.

( This one had me laughing as I was typing! )

[Doc Dan]

I shot my first turkey today. The only problem was, it scared all of the people in the frozen food section.

[Doc Dan]

My favorite word is "drool".
It just rolls off the tongue.

[Doc Dan]

Two men from the city decided to head to the mountains in the middle of winter to do some ice fishing. They’d heard from friends how good it was so they decided to take advantage of the cold weather and head to a frozen lake.

Just before they got to the lake they stopped at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said: “We’re gonna need an ice pick.”

So they got that and took off. In less than two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said: “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.”

The worker in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t, so he sold him the picks and the man left. In about an hour, he was back and said: “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The worker couldn’t stand it any longer so he asked: “By the way, how are you fellows doing?”

“Not very well at all,” he answered. “We haven’t even got the boat in the water yet.”

[Doc Dan]

A flight attendant for a major airline watched one day as a passenger, overloaded with bags, tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead locker.

Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.”

The flight attendant smiled politely and answered: “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

[Doc Dan]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. When he reached the checkout line he realised the old lady was in front of him in line.

“Pardon me,” she turned around and said to the young man. “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Oh, yes,” she said. “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother!’? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving the young man called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter with his few items and was surprised when he saw that his total was $150.

“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased two things!”

The clerk shrugged in confusion, “Your mother said that you would pay for her.”

[Doc Dan]

Okay folks, your turns. Tell us a good family friendly joke.

[TomAiello]

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffeinated.

[Doc Dan]

The last thing I want to do is hurt people, but it still made the list.

***

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

***

I saw a sign the other day that said, "Watch for children", and I thought to myself "That sounds like a fair trade".

[Doc Dan]

An Aussie man phones an ambulance because his mate has just been hit by a car.

“Hi. Yes, get an ambulance here quick,” he screams. “My mate is bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.”

The operator tries to calm the man down and asks for his location.

“We are on Eucalyptus Street,” the man says.

Confused, the operator asks the man to spell it out so she can send a medical team out.

The operator hears silence and then heavy breathing.

“Are you there sir?” she asks.

Again, she hears nothing but heavy breathing.

“Sir, can you hear me?”

This goes on for several minutes.

“Sir, I need you to answer me,” the operator says again. “Can you please spell out the name of the street you’re on.”

Suddenly, the man begins to speak again.

“Sorry about that,” he says. “I couldn’t spell eucalyptus, so I’ve just dragged my mate to Oak Street. O. A. K.”

[Doc Dan]

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter.

Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said: “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”

[Doc Dan]

1. Why did the tree worry that he would never get his leaves back after autumn?

He didn’t be-leaf in himself!

2. Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the fall?

They were autumn mated.

3. What month does every tree dread?

Sept-timberrrrrrr!

4. What did the leaf say to autumn?

I’m falling for you!

5. What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

6. What type of vehicle should you use for a fall hayride?

An autumn-mobile!

7. Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

Because he was out-standing in his field.

8. Why did the lions move at the end of summer?

Because the pride goeth before the fall!

9. Why are trees so carefree and easygoing?

Because every fall, they let loose.

10. Did you hear about the tree that deserted the forest at the end of fall?

He was absent without leaves!

[Bolster]

In honor of 400,000 happy views:

An excellent milestone! Thanks for all the laughs, Doc.

[Bolster]

Passing along three Emo Philips jokes:

I had an argument with my dad. I told him I thought Plato was the father of philosophy. He took the opposing view, that I should mop the floor. I told him, the floor does not exist, only the concept of the floor exists. He asked me, does your skull exist? I answered that the concept of the mind was eternal. Then he surprised me by juxtaposing those two concepts.

I went to the clothing store, and a salesman came up to me and said, “Can I help you find something?” And I said “No, I don’t need a salesman selling me expensive clothing I don’t need, and would never wear!” So I left that store, after buying several kilts, and went to the hardware store. I checked out the riding lawnmowers, and I said, “This has got to be the stupidest mower ever built.” And the salesman said, “Next time, try sitting on top of it, it’s much more comfortable that way.”

Do you like psychology? I used to. I used to think that the brain was the most fascinating organ of the human body. Then I realized--ppthttt---look what's telling me that.

[Doc Dan]

A group of elderly men were venting their frustrations about the woes of modern technology.

“I just can’t ever seem to remember my darn passwords,” grumbled one of them.

The other one smiled and said: “Oh really? I can never forget mine!”

“How do you manage it?” asked the first guy curiously.

“Well, I simply set all my passwords to ‘incorrect’ so that whenever I’m told that my password is incorrect, I’ll remember it!”

[Doc Dan]

A boy overturned his father’s tractor. The farmer who lived next door saw what happened so he went over to the boy and said: “Hey son, don’t worry about that. Come over and have dinner with us and I’ll help you get the tractor up later.”

“That’s really nice of you,” the boy replied. “But I don’t think my dad would like me to do that.”

The farmer insisted, “Ah come on son. Have a bite to eat and then we will sort it out.”

The boy shrugged and walked over to the farmer, “Ok, I will. My dad won’t be happy though.”

The farmer sat the boy down and treated him up a three-course meal. The pair sat and chatted for hours at the table before the boy said he should probably return: “Thanks for dinner but my dad is going to be pretty angry.”

The farmer replied: “No worries, son! He’ll be right. By the way where is he?”

The son shrugged back, “He’s under the tractor.”

[Doc Dan]

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench and said: “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court.”

“Why is that Your Honour?” asked the teacher.

The judge smiled with delight and said: “I’m going to need you to sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run red a light’ 500 times.”

[Doc Dan]

A man was talking to his neighbour one day. He said: “I’ve really had it with my dog. He’ll chase anyone on a skateboard.”

“Hmmm, that is a problem,” answered the neighbour slightly concerned. “What are you thinking of doing about it?”

The man shrugged and answered: “Guess the only answer is to confiscate his skateboard.”

[holoblue]

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench and said: “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court.”

“Why is that Your Honour?” asked the teacher.

The judge smiled with delight and said: “I’m going to need you to sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run red a light’ 500 times.”

If i was the judge, it would be 1000 times. I had to write so many times in school as punishment

[Doc Dan]

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic violation, and when asked for her occupation, she said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench and said: “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court.”

“Why is that Your Honour?” asked the teacher.

The judge smiled with delight and said: “I’m going to need you to sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run red a light’ 500 times.”

If i was the judge, it would be 1000 times. I had to write so many times in school as punishment

Me too!