Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.

[bearrowland]

Exactly!!

[z4vdBt]

what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

lol.

[Doc Dan]

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

[z4vdBt]

A wife asks her husband - Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him - Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?

They had eggs.

[Doc Dan]

Hahaha! Because he knew that if he did not do exactly what she said she would fuss!

[z4vdBt]

A lady was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her - What did you steal?

A can of peaches.

How many peaches were in the can?

Six.

Then I will give you 6 days in jail.

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up - She also stole a can of peas.

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks - What's going on?

Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.

How much is everyone giving, on average?

Roughly a gallon.

[z4vdBt]

Today I was dismissed from the lingerie department of a very smart store, they said it was a communication issue with a customer. He came up to me and said he wanted some very nice underwear for his wife.

I asked Satin?

Oh no he said - I can afford brand new.

[Doc Dan]

Mr. Smith, a business owner, was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened in the storefront to the left of him. A huge sign was installed, reading: “Best Deals”.

Mr Smith was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading: “Lowest Prices”.

At this point Smith was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: “Main Entrance”.

[Doc Dan]

Always surround yourself with people who have issues, because people who have issues always have alcohol.

[Doc Dan]

I like long walks...



Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

[Doc Dan]

A man went into the doctor’s office for his annual check-up and the doctor asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

The patient told the doctor that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn’t fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The doctor said: “Suits don’t shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few kilos”.

“That’s just it, Doc, I know I haven’t gained a single kilo since the last time I wore it.”

“Well, then,” said the doctor. “You must have a case of Furniture Disease.”

“What in the world is Furniture Disease?” asked the patient.

“That’s when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.”

[Sumdumguy]

What do you get when you cross holy water, with castor oil?

A religious movement...

[The Meat man]

What do you get when you cross holy water, with castor oil?

A religious movement...

Ha ha! :D

[Doc Dan]

What do you get when you cross holy water, with castor oil?

A religious movement...

Hahahaha!

[Doc Dan]

I finally have enough money to last me the rest of my life...


If I die by next Thursday.

[abbazaba]

I was going to tell a joke about time travel, but you didn't think it was funny.

[z4vdBt]

Optician - Your results aren’t good.

Can I see them?

Probably not.

- - -

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with just one leg. It was a flop.



.