Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

I before e… except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

I before E, except after ‘Old MacDonald Had A Farm.’

[riclaw]

[riclaw]

Interviewer: How do you explain the three year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Amazing, your hired!

Me: Hurray, I got a Yob!!!

[Doc Dan]

The boss summarizes his employee's annual review by saying, "You need to give 100% at work. I want a plan from you on how you are going to do that."

The employee replies, "Boss, I got this! 100%, right??! Here's my plan for giving 100% next week:

Monday - 11%
Tuesday - 24%
Wednesday - 40%
Thursday - 23%
Friday - 2%

[Doc Dan]

Do you remember that before the Internet it was thought that the cause of stupidity was the lack of information?


Well, it wasn't that.

[Doc Dan]

I just finished washing the car with my son.

My wife asked, "Wouldn't it have been easier with a sponge?"

[Doc Dan]

A husband and wife bicker over morning breakfast.

“My darling, I’ve invited a friend for lunch,” said a husband to his wife.

“What? Are you crazy?” The wife replied. “The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, and I am not going to prepare any meal.”

“I know that,” the husband said.

“So why did you invite him then,” She asked.

“Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

[Doc Dan]

I went swimming at the public pool, today. I took a pee in the deep end. The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in!

[Doc Dan]

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

[Doc Dan]

People are buried at a depth of six feet.
However, if you are an attorney you are buried at a depth of twelve feet.
Why you ask?


Cuz deep down they are good people

[Doc Dan]

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.

“Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,” says the wife.

“What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?” asks the husband.

“Nothing,” replies the wife. “But Mother’s arms are getting a bit tired.”

[Doc Dan]

An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

After thoroughly checking over the man, the doctor gave his diagnosis and sent the man on his way.

A few days later, the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor called him back in for a follow up and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”

[Doc Dan]

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over by the police.

“Do you know how fast you were going” asked the cop.

“No, but I know exactly where I am,” replied Heisenberg.

“You were doing 55 in a 35,” said the cop.

“Great! Now I’m lost!” exclaimed Heisenberg.

“Okay Buster, open the trunk,” said the cop. “Hey, do you know there’s a dead cat back here!”

“Oh great! We do now, you idiot,” exclaimed Schrodinger.

The cop decided to arrest them, but Ohm resisted.

[standy99]

A man ask his wife: "What would you do if I win the lottery?"

The wife responds: "I'd take half the winnings and leave you."

The husband replies: "Great! I just won $12 - here's $6. Good luck and stay in touch!"

[Doc Dan]

Here are some hilarious alternative meanings for common medical terms!

Artery
The study of paintings

Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria

Barium
What we do when people die

Benign
What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean section
A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan
Searching for kitty

Cauterise
She noticed me

Colic
A sheepdog

Coma
A punctuation mark

Dilate
To live long

Enema
Not a friend

Fester
Speedier than someone else

Fibula
A small lie

Impotent
Distinguished, well known


Labour pain
Getting hurt at work

Medical staff
A doctor’s cane

Morbid
A higher offer

Nitrates
After 8 pm at a sleazy motel

Node
I knew it

Outpatient
A person who has fainted

Pelvis
A distant relative of Elvis

Post-Operative
A letter carrier

Recovery room
A place to do upholstery

Rectum
Nearly killed him

Secretion
Hiding something

Seizure
Roman Emperor

Tablet
A small table

Terminal illness
Throwing up at the airport

Tumor
One plus one more

Urine
Opposite of you’re out

[Doc Dan]

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue on the butcher’s counter. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs, however.”

[Doc Dan]

Okay, one more:

Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record saying, “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another.

At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening.

“I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”

[Murphy Slaw]

A talking dog....

Bwahahahahahaha...

[Manixguy@1994]

Okay, one more:

Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record saying, “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another.

At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening.

“I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”

Best joke ever ! Funny ! Dan

[Doc Dan]

Yeah, that one got me, too. That's why I had to add it.