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After pulling a farmer over for speeding, the policeman started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. Then he started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer asked "Having some trouble with circle flies there are ya?"
The cop paused to take another swat and said "Yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."
The cop continued writing for a moment, then says "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing." The officer says, and goes back to writing out the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer added "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Great thread, I’m about a fourth of the way through and still going. Here’s a dumb one i read recently….


A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please," I said.

"Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" asked the waiter.

I said,"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.

There was an opening in the company for a very high level position. The top scientist, top engineer, and top marketing person all applied for the position. HR guy asked the scientist "What is 2+2?" The scientist goes off and preforms a bunch of experiments, comes back and says "According to my experiments, my theory is the answer is 4."

HR asked the engineer the same question, what is 2+2? The engineer goes off and runs a bunch of models and does a lot of calculations. He comes back and says "According to my models and calculations, the answer is definitely 4."

When HR asked the marketing guy that same question, what is 2+2, the marketing guy got up. He went over and drew the blinds, locked the door, and unplugged the phone and computer. He leans in close to HR and in a quiet conspiratorial voice, asks "What do you want it to be?"

A long-suffering country wife decided to go and see a fortune teller when she was at the local show.

In a dark tent, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered some grave new.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt.” She says.

“Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller, took a few deep breaths to compose herself and said, “I have to know… Will I be acquitted?”

Hahaha! This thread always gives me a laugh. :D

Here are some "Dad jokes" for your...enjoyment: (apologies if they've been shared before)

Who would win a fight between a shark and an octopus? The octopus. He's well-armed.

Why did the hipster fall through the ice? Because he went skating before it was cool.

I'm reading a book on the history of Superglue. Can't put it down.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's popcorn?"

A friend of mine asked me the pros and cons of living in Switzerland. I told him the flag is a big plus.

:D

The second panel cracks me up ! Dan

Haha! That is a funny one!

The Meat man wrote: ↑

Wed Apr 13, 2022 4:54 pm

Haha! That is a funny one!

Yeah, I got a big laugh out of it so I had to share. AND it's true, if you think about it. No vampires.

I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

A man falls under a train and loses his entire left side of his body. He's all right now.

A man smashes index finger in car door and is in great pain. On the other hand, he's fine.

A man is taken to hospital after he swallows toy horse. His condition is stable.

You can go from fat to fit, with one good vowel movement.

I wondered if Noah liked apples, then I realized he preferred pears.

If anyone wants any chiropractic magazines, let me know. I have back issues.

At a magic show, after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, “Wow, how did you do that?!”

“I would tell you”, answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you”

After a moment’s pause, the same voice screamed out “Can you tell my mother-in-law?”

My doctor asked if I did any balance exercises and I said " Yeah, getting into my pants every morning without falling over"

"Eh....good enough!" -Mediocrates

AND

I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol
Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them. - Anthony Haden-Guest
She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on. - Arthur Baer
I distinctly remember forgetting that. - Clara Barton
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. - Dolly Parton
I have a terrible memory. I never forget a thing. - Edith Konecky
I hate people but I love gatherings. - Edna St. Vincent Millay
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. - George Bernard Shaw
Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. - Irene Peter
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings
We must believe in free will. We have no choice. - Isaac B. Singer
I can resist everything but temptation. - Oscar Wilde
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain
I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible. - Oscar Wilde
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - W.C. Fields
I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. - Winston Churchill
I never said most of the things I said. - Yogi Berra
Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes? - Yogi Berra

Oscar Wilde is my hero ! Dan

Why do elephants paint their toenails purple?
So they can hide in the grape vines.

How was Tarzan killed?
Picking grapes.

Doc Dan wrote: ↑

Tue Apr 26, 2022 8:29 am

Why do elephants paint their toenails purple?
So they can hide in the grape vines.

How was Tarzan killed?
Picking grapes.

How can a joke so old still be so funny ? I was telling this joke in grade school when Tarzan movies were in black and white .