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Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Fri May 07, 2021 12:31 am
by z4vdBt
lol
- - -
Road paving crew working hard one night in the rain. The steamroller driver unfortunately hits a worker. The crew calls the injured man's home - no one in. The crew goes to the injured man's home and don't know what to do. The crew slides him under the door.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Sat May 08, 2021 11:51 pm
by Doc Dan
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Give her a bag of M&M's and ask her to put them in alphabetical order.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 9:29 am
by Doc Dan
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 11:27 am
by z4vdBt
My next door neighbor lost his dog so he put an ad in the local paper. It said - Here boy.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Mon May 10, 2021 10:42 pm
by z4vdBt
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Tue May 11, 2021 12:21 am
by Doc Dan
Hahahaha!
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Thu May 13, 2021 12:01 am
by Doc Dan
I saw a pen in a store the other day.
I picked it up and took a look at it because it was prettier than most.
The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".
I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".
The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"
I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Thu May 13, 2021 8:05 am
by Doc Dan
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One idiot said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other.
"I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.
"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, intelligence'?" asked the idiot.
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you.
I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the idiot ditch digger hit the tree with his fist.
The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole.
The other idiot asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The first idiot put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Sun May 16, 2021 12:16 am
by Doc Dan
A man had been stranded on a deserted island for two years when he experienced severe shaking of the ground and noticed a great tidal wave bearing down upon him.
“Oh Lord, please help me,” he prayed.
Suddenly, a boat appeared and a man aboard shouted to him urgently, “Quick, get on board before the tidal wave comes!”
“No, no. I have faith in the good Lord,” said the castaway.
A few moments passed and another boat appeared. “Quick, man, don’t be silly, get on board, there’s not much time left.”
“No, thank you. I have faith in the good Lord.”
With only seconds to go, another boat appeared and a voice called out in panic, “If you don’t get over here right this minute, it’ll be too late!”
“No, thank you. I have faith in the good Lord.”
The next moment, the tidal wave hit the island, smashing everything to pieces. The poor castaway drowned.
Later in heaven, the man met God and said reproachfully, “I had faith in you. I can’t believe you let this happen!”
“What do you mean you can’t believe it?” cried God. “I sent three boats, didn’t I?”
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Mon May 17, 2021 9:04 am
by Doc Dan
Last year I replaced all of the windows in my house with those expensive double-paned energy efficient kind.
Last week I got a call from a guy at Home Depot who had installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid him.
I might be a bit slow but I am not stupid. I told him just what his fast talking salesman told me last year...that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hello...I told him it had been a year already and the windows had paid for themselves.
There was silence on the line so I finally hung up. He hasn't called back. I'll bet he knows who is stupid now!
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Tue May 18, 2021 12:49 am
by z4vdBt
lol
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Tue May 18, 2021 8:19 pm
by z4vdBt
Frederick had finally found a soulmate and was very excited about his upcoming wedding day. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand and said - Congratulations Fred, I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as he happiest day of your life.
But sir, I'm not getting married until tomorrow.
Yeah, I know, that's what I mean.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Wed May 19, 2021 8:33 am
by Doc Dan
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start.
A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.
"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot.
"I think I am planting them too deep."
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Fri May 21, 2021 11:07 pm
by z4vdBt
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, an iv in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now listening to my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Sat May 22, 2021 8:40 am
by Doc Dan
z4vdBt wrote: ↑Fri May 21, 2021 11:07 pm
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, an iv in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now listening to my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
Hahahahaha! Good one!
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 9:30 am
by Doc Dan
Kenneth was having a drink in a saloon when his neighbor, Stakely, came rushing in.
"Ah think somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said breathlessly.
Kennath ran outside, but came back right away.
"Well, did yew stop him?" asked Stakely.
"Naw! He was too fast.
But Ah got his license plate before he got away!"
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 9:31 am
by Doc Dan
Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole.
A man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?"
"We don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We wanna measure the height!"
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Mon May 24, 2021 8:32 pm
by z4vdBt
Before crow bars were invented, crows mostly drank alone.
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Tue May 25, 2021 12:02 pm
by z4vdBt
Got stung by a bee today. £45 for a jar of honey!
Re: Family friendly jokes
Posted: Wed May 26, 2021 8:20 pm
by z4vdBt
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says - Why the long face?
I've just realized I'm a metaphysical construct within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence.