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A lost driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out of his car and knocked at the door.
A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know, " the woman said.
He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices yelling.
He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them.
"This is my husband, " the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either. "

An 85-year-old couple were married almost 60 years before they both died. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife’s interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bedroom and spa. As they looked in awe, the old man asked St Peter how much all of this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” St Peter replied. “This is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

St Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” St Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St Peter lectured, “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick! This is Heaven.”

With that, the old man went into a fit of rage, throwing down his hat and stomping on it and shrieking wildly. His wife and St Peter both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!”

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(You're gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

I gave away some dead batteries today. They were free of charge.

Lately people have been making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

The US government spent $3 million on a Stanford study of the effects of alcohol on walking. The results were staggering.

A Japanese ship was sailing in the Pacific Ocean.

The Japanese captain of the ship put his diamond chain and Rolex watch on a shelf and went to have a shower.

When he returned 10 minutes later, both the chain and the watch were missing!

He called the four crew members of his ship together.

A British guy was the ship’s cook. The captain asked him, “Where were you the past 10 minutes?”

The cook answered, “I was in the cold storage room to select the meat for lunch.”

A Sri Lankan was the house keeper. The captain repeated his question to him, and learnt that the Sri Lankan was at the top of the ship correcting the flag, which had been put upside down.

An Indian guy was the engineer maintaining the ship. Same question, and the Indian told the captain that he was in the generator room checking the generator.

A Frenchman also served on the house-keeping crew. Same question, and the Frenchman told the captain that he was sleeping after the night shift.

Within 10 seconds the smart captain caught the thief.

Who was the thief? How did the captain find him?

Four university students decided to go out the night before their final exam. They drink too much, get home late, don’t hear their alarms going off and completely miss the exam.

The students go to their professor, explaining this elaborate story that they were on their way to the final but the car they were travelling in got a flat tyre. They beg their professor to be allowed to retest the exam. After hearing their pleas and giving it careful consideration, the professor agrees.

The day of the make-up exam arrives. All four of the students arrive on time. They are prepared for the exam.

The professor looks a the students, he looks at his watch, then says, “You may begin the test.”

The four students open their final exam booklet, but to their surprise there is only one question:

“Which tyre was flat?”

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again.

He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time.

“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And they had so much fun that today I’m taking them to the beach.”

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

He couldn’t help but notice that the handyman was wearing two heavy winter jackets on a hot summer’s day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing so much clothing on such a warm day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint.

They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”

My child won't eat fish. What can I replace it with?

What about a cat? Cats love fish.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man answers it and puts it on loud speaker. Everyone else in the room stops to evesdrop.

Man: “Hello.”

Woman: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

Man: “Yes.”

Woman: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it okay if I buy it?”

Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

Woman: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

Man: “How much?”

Woman: “$90,000.”

Man: “Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.

Man: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80,000 if it’s what you really want.”

Woman: “Okay. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

Man: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns around and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Michael Davis performs at the historic Ford's Theater
for the former President and Mrs. Ronald Reagan.
Razor sharp edgy humor.

https://youtu.be/n6mbW-jMtrY

A man in a Florida supermarket asks if he can buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager - Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added - And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said - I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?

Canada sir.

Why did you leave Canada?

Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

Really? My wife is from Canada.



No kidding? Who'd she play for?

Doc Dan wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 07, 2021 11:17 pm

A Japanese ship was sailing in the Pacific Ocean.

The Japanese captain of the ship put his diamond chain and Rolex watch on a shelf and went to have a shower.

When he returned 10 minutes later, both the chain and the watch were missing!

He called the four crew members of his ship together.

A British guy was the ship’s cook. The captain asked him, “Where were you the past 10 minutes?”

The cook answered, “I was in the cold storage room to select the meat for lunch.”

A Sri Lankan was the house keeper. The captain repeated his question to him, and learnt that the Sri Lankan was at the top of the ship correcting the flag, which had been put upside down.

An Indian guy was the engineer maintaining the ship. Same question, and the Indian told the captain that he was in the generator room checking the generator.

A Frenchman also served on the house-keeping crew. Same question, and the Frenchman told the captain that he was sleeping after the night shift.

Within 10 seconds the smart captain caught the thief.

Who was the thief? How did the captain find him?

Ha! Sri Lankan?

Oooh, ooooh! Good guess. The Japanese flag is right side up either way.

Yep!

z4vdBt wrote: ↑

Sun Mar 21, 2021 6:55 pm

A man in a Florida supermarket asks if he can buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager - Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added - And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said - I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?

Canada sir.

Why did you leave Canada?

Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

Really? My wife is from Canada.



No kidding? Who'd she play for?

That joke is on point. :D

From a watch forum. The watch in question is very expensive....





A man walks into a pre-owned watch shop advertising Rolex as the main focus. He browses around, spots a LNIB Cosmograph Daytona reference116500LN with full kit. Eyes widening, he walks over to the case inspect it more closely. As he bends over for a look, he inadvertently breaks wind rather loudly.

Red with embarassment, he wheels around and glances nervously to see if anyone has noticed - praying no one has. As he turns back around, his worst nightmare materializes in the form of a beautiful sales rep standing right beside him.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the sales rep greets him politely, "Good day sir, may I help you find something today?"

Still uncomfortable, but hoping that maybe she hadn’t been that close at the time of his little accident, he points to the LNIB Cosmograph Daytona 116500LN with full kit and asks, "What is the price of that one?"

She cocks her head and answers with an amused smile, “Sir, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to absolutely poop yourself when I tell you the price!"

This is a true story that the watch story above reminded me of.

Years ago, I was looking at a nice watch for my wife in Corrigan's Fine Jewelers in Houston. I commented to the sales lady that she was in an interesting business because jewelry so often celebrated important moments and relationships. Then she told me about a customer of hers who always bought two of everything. Two pearl necklaces, two Cartier watches and so forth. The customer had confessed to her that one was for his wife and the second for his mistress.

One day, the customer came in and bought a tennis bracelet. The sales lady asked, "Only one?".

"Yes", replied the man. "My wife said to stop wasting money on all that expensive jewelry".