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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear them?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A blond walks into a bar excitedly repeating "53 days" "53 days". A few minutes later another blond comes in and shouts "53 days" and they high 5 and repeat in unison, "53 days". The bartender could no longer stand the curiosity and went over to ask "why the big celebration?". one of the blonds proudly proclaimed "we finished a jigsaw puzzle and on the box it said 3 to 5 years and we did it in 53 DAYS"!!!

During a recent visit to a Mental Hospital, I asked the director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

The director said "Well, we fill up a bathtub then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand" I said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the largest and can transfer the most water"

"No" said the director "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near a window?"

One afternoon, God finds Adam moping in a far corner of the Garden of Eden.

"What's wrong?" asks God.

"I'm lonely," says Adam, "I don't have anyone to talk to."

"Oh," says God brightly, "I can fix that. I will create for you a companion and I will call her woman. She will be your soulmate; she will agree with everything you say; she will laugh at all your jokes; she will cook your food and clean your home; when you invent clothes, she will wash them; she will bear your children and stay up nights caring for them; when you are feeling frisky, she will satisfy you."

"How much will that cost?" asks Adam.

"Well, she'll cost an arm and a leg," says God.

Adam thinks for a moment. "What can I get for a rib?"

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

I went into the restroom at a fancy restaurant the other day. The sign read, "Employees must wash hands."

I waited 45 minutes and no employee ever came to wash my hands!

Grandpa died. To break the news gently to her five-year-old granddaughter, the mother said, “Honey, Grandpa has passed away and has gone to a happier place. It’s just like what happened to your goldfish.”

The granddaughter looked a bit sad and then replied, “Does that mean we’re going to flush him down the toilet too?”

One evening a guy walks into his local pub and orders a beer. As the bartender is filling his glass, the man tells him a story.

“Last night my wife crawled into bed with me. She cuddled up beside me and said ‘I’d do anything for a new cashmere sweater’,” he said.

The bartender presents him with his drink and the man takes a sip.

“Then what happened?” said the bartender.

“I said to her ‘Anything eh?” the man said, giving the bartender a bit of a nudge and a wink. “She replied, ‘Oh Darling, anything!’ and squeezed me tighter.”

The bartender gets a sly look across his face, as if knowing what the man is about to say next. “What did you do?” he asked.

The man took another sip of his beer.

“Well, I was a bit shy at first, but then I said "Darling, I think it would be really great if you learned how to knit.”

I’m currently reading a book about a detective that solves crimes purely by chance:

Sheerluck Holmes.

How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!

One evening highway patrol spots a car going 35 on the interstate and decides to pull it over. "Evening ma'am, is there any particular reason you're going so slow, it's kinda dangerous." Grandma sitting behind the wheel politely replies "Well officer, the sign says 35 and I always respect the speed limit." to which the officer says "Actually ma'am that's not the speed limit, you're driving down I-35, and why does your passenger look so terrified?" "We just got off I-95 officer."

Courtesy of Joel Osteen, who likes to start with something funny.

The salesman at a local suit retailer was determined to sell a cheap suit to a reluctant customer.

“But the left trouser leg is shorter than the right,” the customer said.

“Yes, yes, but that’s why it’s so cheap, sir. All you need to do is bend the right knee a bit and no one will notice the difference.”

“But look at the two sides of the jacket, one side is two inches longer than the other?”

“No need to worry, sir. All you do is pull this side up a bit and tuck it under your chin. Now they’re equal. And remember, the suit’s very cheap, so lift up your left shoulder and then the sleeve won’t hang over your hand.”

Eventually, the customer was satisfied and bought the suit, choosing to wear it at home. As he left the shop, he passed two doctors coming in and when they saw the man limping along with his shoulder in the air and his chin tucked down on his chest, one remarked to the other, “Poor man, he’s got a terrible affliction.”

“Indeed,” agreed the other, “but they’ve managed to fit the suit perfectly.”

Teacher: ‘Billy, if you had £5 in your left pocket and £3 in your right pocket, what would you have?!

Billy: ‘Someone else’s trousers.’

While on a road trip, a couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed the trip.

The woman left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about 40 minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the man became grumpy. He fussed and complained to his wife during the whole return drive. He became so agitated at having to turn around that the journey became uncomfortable.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the husband called out to her,

“While you’re in there, would you mind getting my hat and the credit card?”

I always enjoy this thread! So much fun. Thanks Doc Dan

Bolster wrote: ↑

Wed Apr 19, 2023 2:10 pm

I always enjoy this thread! So much fun. Thanks Doc Dan

You are welcome. I hope it brings a little joy in everyone's life.

A large corporation hires a tribe of cannibals and they tell them, “You have full rights as employees, but you’re not allowed to eat anybody.”

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the tribe into his office.

The CEO says, “Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?”

The chief of the tribe checks with his people and says, “No sir, we have not eaten anybody. It must be a coincidence.”

The CEO is skeptical but he has no evidence so he dismisses the tribe.

Once they are away from the other employees, the chief turns to his tribe and asks, “Okay, which one of you idiots did it?”

A tribesman sheepishly puts up his hands and admits, “I ate a secretary.”

The chief smacks the tribesman and yells, “You fool! We’ve been eating middle management for weeks and nobody has noticed. Then you had to go and eat someone that does actual work!”

This morning my kid said his ear hurt, so I asked him, "Inside or outside?"

He went outside and came back into the house and said, "Both."

I think I am wasting my time saving for college.