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I hope Santa leaves all of you plenty of presents, but I hope the reindeer do not leave behind any “presents” on your lawns! Merry Christmas to everyone!

What did the English teacher call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What's red and white and falls down chimneys? Santa Klutz!

How much did Santa pay for parking his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!

What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less.

What did Luke Skywalker say after he planted a Christmas tree farm? May the forest be with you!

How did the two rival Christmas trees get along? They signed a peace tree-ty!

How do Christmas trees get ready for a night out? They spruce up!

A husband asks his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday. She says, “I’d like to be 6 again.”

The next day, bright and early, the husband gets her up, and takes her to a local theme park. He puts her on every ride, and a few hours later, she stumbles out with a headache and a queasy stomach.

Then, he takes her to McDonalds for a Happy Meal with extra fries, and a chocolate shake.

After, she waddles out and he brings her to the newest Disney movie.

When they get home, she collapsed into bed after taking a couple of aspirin. Her husband asks her lovingly, “So, how was it being 6 again?”

She said, “You idiot; I was referring to my dress size…”

Q; What do you get when you cross Santa Clause with a duck?
A: A Christmas quacker

It was the day of the big after Christmas sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed in the morning before the store had even opened.

A small man tried to push his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, got knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

A woman was having a dinner party and wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no
mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms
that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So, she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as
quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

The doctor and the paramedics arrived and began to work on the dinner guests. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them each an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..........

............"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down

A man came home from work and found his three children outside still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house, and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Piles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked: “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered: “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered: “Well, today I didn’t do it”.

A wife was making fried eggs for breakfast. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter?! They’re going to stick! Careful. Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “Sure you do, I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you along.”

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day, the departing manager tells him: “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve”.

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong – the usual stuff – and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says: “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read: “Reorganise!” This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says: “Prepare three envelopes”.

I love my job. Lately, colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge.

I’m currently eating a yoghurt called Susan. How cute!

A boy was playing the violin and the dog was howling.

Dad couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled: ‘For God’s sake, play something the dog doesn’t know.’

I know you all hear good family friendly jokes. Post 'em. Don't be shy. Brighten up everyone else's day.

Hahahaha!

A woman is desperate to get an all-over tan before her holiday is over and decides that the hotel’s rooftop offers the best tanning spot, without any areas of shade.
After wearing a swimsuit on her first day and noticing that no-one else ever came up to the rooftop, she decides to ditch her swimsuit the following day.
But, just as she’s making herself comfortable, she hears footsteps hammering up the stairs and quickly pulls a towel over her rear to protect her modesty.
“Excuse me, Miss,” the porter says as he flies through the door. “The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing up here, but could you please wear a swimsuit as you did yesterday?”
Confused, she replies, “What difference does it make? I have not seen another soul up here?”
“Yes, Miss,” the porter replies, “but, you see, you’re lying on the restaurant’s skylight!”

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

“I’m fine,” Angus said. “But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.”

“Well, ma laddie,” his mother said. “I suggest you don’t associate with people like that.”

“Oh,” said Angus. “I don’t, Mam, I don’t. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.”

Karen’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque”.

“Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!”

When the repairman arrived at Karen’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling. Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”