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An American couple are having their first child. They went through all the pre-natal classes and learned as much as they could to prepare for their expected baby.

In time the baby is delivered without a hitch. The doctor wraps the baby in a towel and hands the child to the mom. The mom overjoyed passes the baby to the excited father.

With one hand the dad holds the child, with the other he clears some work space on a table, grabs his tool box that he always has at the ready, and then pulls out a large plier and a saw.

In shock, yet perfect timing the mother, doctor and nurses all exclaim, "What are you doing!!"

The man replies, "Can't trust nothing from the factory, we gotta take this one apart, check the tolerances, make sure it is not gummed with lock-tight and re-lubricate."

Ok, cooler from Canada eh!? Stop me if you have heard this one....

A Bess Certified Test Medium, a 1' X 1' piece of card board, and a length of Twisted Sissal rope walk into a pub after a long day at work. Together, these test mediums felt it would be good to blow off some steam and talk about all the edgy items they had met that day.

Feeling a little scientific and superior the Bess medium goes to the bar and asks for a jug of beer and 3 glasses. The bar tender looks the Bess medium up and down and says, "I've seen your type before." Pointing to the, right to refuse service sign, the bar keep says, "We have no need for your science types and judging everything here, please leave."

Never having experienced such rudeness and not knowing what to say, the Bess medium returned to it friends and told them what happened. The card board commented on its' humbleness and went to get a jug of beer. Receiving slightly better treatment from the bar tender, the card board told the others it was probably best they leave. Seems the bar tender had it out for test mediums.

The Twisted Sissal rope, feeling a little sassy, twizzled itself into a knot then grabbed its Lady Bug and slashed at its' head, slashing and slashing and slashing. The Twisted Sissal rope then went to the bar and said, "May I have a jug of beer and 3 glasses please." The bar tender replied, "Hey! Aren't you just another one of those types of test mediums?" The Twisted Sissal confidently stated, "No, I am afraid not."

Why are the Oil Sands like an aggressive dog? Bit you man!

My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he’d drunk more than usual the day before. “What’s more than usual?” I asked.

“A case.”

“You can drink a case in a day?!”

“Well,” he grumbled defensively, “it doesn’t take all day”.

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story could not stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, white hair and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

I don’t think I will share this one with my wife ! I’m a jokester survivor.Dan

What are the sexiest farm animals?

Brown chicken brown cow (said to the tune of bow chicka bow wow).

This is a warning to all members of the teaching profession who travel!

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney’s Kingsford-Smith International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle”‘.

When asked to comment on the arrest, Federal Treasurer Joe Hockey said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes”.

Fellow coalition colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Treasurer.

Doc , that is a top ten ! Dan

Manixguy@1994 wrote: ↑

Wed May 04, 2022 4:40 pm

Not a joke, we have Banana Dog. MrsPStone has had her longer than she’s had me!

PStone wrote: ↑

Sun May 29, 2022 11:42 am

Manixguy@1994 wrote: ↑

Wed May 04, 2022 4:40 pm

Not a joke, we have Banana Dog. MrsPStone has had her longer than she’s had me!

Fantastic ! That is funny in so many ways . Dan

I don't have a joke, but if you're looking for some wholesome comedy, I'd highly recommend Nate Bargatze: https://youtu.be/pGUhBzSgOxw

Been following him for about 5 years now and he's finally getting the recognition he deserves. Just got a new Netflix special recently too.

Cannibal Husband: I don’t like your Mother.
Cannibal Wife: Then try the potatoes.

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector.
It was beeping so much it made me dizzy and gave me a headache.

What does the Malaysian shark eat? Airline food.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin' around like they rent the place.

I realize those are sick jokes, especially #3. They may not be for everyone.

Stephen Hawkins goes on a date....
he comes back a couple of hours later with broken glasses, grazed knees, twisted ankle.

She'd stood him up.

My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this). She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before”

The doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them… I just never saw one mounted and framed”.

I know this thread is about jokes and not memes but this made me laugh.

A grasshopper came into a bar.
The bartender said, "We've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replied, "You have a drink named Bob?"

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
“We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk”.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
“We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk”.

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk”.

The man sets about his task. Some 45 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.

The monks reply,
“Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, “May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone…
The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door”

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ………..

….. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"