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Our lawnmower recently broke down and my wife kept bugging me to get it fixed. However other things just kept cropping up that needed my attention like cleaning out the garage, fixing the car, going fishing with my buddies, and all those kinds of things. One day my wife got a bright idea and she sat out in the front yard with a pair of scissors snipping the grass hoping I would get the hint. Thinking I was being helpful I went inside and got a toothbrush I came outside and told her as long as she was going to cut the grass he might as well sweep up afterwards.

The doctors say that I will be able to walk soon but I will always have a limp

Three Aussie riggers, Nanksie, Boof and Giffeo, are working on a high-rise putting up steel. Somehow Boof catches a boot lace on a cleat, looses his footing, hits the deck and dies. The boys are upset but figure someone should go tell his wife.

Giffoe reckons he’s pretty good at sensitive stuff and volunteers. A couple of hours later, he’s back carrying a case of cold beer. Nanksie asks him “Where’d you get the piss?” “Boof’s Mrs gimme it.” Nanksie’s miffed, “You’re unreal, you told the poor woman her husband’s dead and she gave you a case of beer?” “Well kinda,” says Giffoe, when she answered the door, I said, "You must be Boof's widow?" She said, “No, I'm not a widow.” And I said, “I'll betcha case of beer you are”. :rolleyes:

A police officer pulled over a car and told the driver, "Congratulations! Because you had your seat belts on, you have won $1000 in our safety campaign. What are you going to do with the prize money?"

At this, the man replied, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my driver's license." His wife, sitting next to him, piped up, "Don't pay any attention to him. He is a smart alec when he is drunk."

This woke up the guy in the rear seat and when he saw the cop, said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock on the trunk lid and a voice said, "Are we over the border, yet?"

I am not the bearer of any jokes but these are very good!

A young high-faluting American lawyer holidaying in Australia runs a Stop Sign in a little country town in full view of the local copper. The old sergeant activates his siren, pulls him over and explains the reason he stopped him is, he didn’t stop at the Stop Sign and asks to see his license.

The Yank lawyer tells him he slowed down almost to a stop, the road was clear so he proceeded through the Stop Sign. The old copper replies, “You didn’t come to a complete stop, license please”.

The smart Yank, confident he can argue his case in a court of law decides he’ll have some fun with the old country copper and tells him, if he can explain the difference between slow down and stop he’ll show him his license. The old copper sighs, nods his head and says “Fair enough, hop out of your vehicle”. The lawyer gets out of his vehicle, the old copper pulls out his baton and starts flogging him. After a bit he asks, “Now tell me, you want me to stop or just slow down?”. :)

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

“The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them” – Abraham Lincoln

These are great!!

bearrowland wrote: ↑

Wed Aug 14, 2019 6:44 am

These are great!!

Give us one.

A little Aussie bloke was sitting in a pub in Sydney drinking a beer. A big burly Yank walks past on his way to the bar, hits the little bloke on the neck knocking him off his barstool and says, “That’s a judo chop from Japan”.

The little bloke dusts himself off gets back on his barstool and goes back to drinking his beer.

Not long after the big Yank on his way to the men’s, hits the little bloke on the other side of the neck knocking him off his barstool again and says, “That’s a karate chop from Korea”.

The little bloke says nothing, gets up finishes his beer and walk out. Half an hour later he walks back in the pub, taps the big Yank on the shoulder and knocks him out cold. He turns to the barman and says, “When that idiot wakes up tell him, that was a lump hammer from Bunnings”. :D

Doc Dan wrote: ↑

Wed Aug 14, 2019 6:09 am

“The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them” – Abraham Lincoln

That's a good one! :D :D

The teacher asked little Johnny, "What is the difference between prose and poety?" Johnny said he didn't know, so the teacher wrote on the board, "There was an old woman who lived on a hill and last week she moved to town." She said, "That's prose as it doesn't rhyme." Then she wrote, 'There was an old woman who lived on a hill and if she's not dead she's liivng there still'. That's poetry because it rhymes". She said to Johnny, "Now you try it." Johnny said, "There was an old woman who lived by a well and when she died she went to ... Do you want prose or poetry?"

Let me work on it Doc! I'm enjoying this thread immensely

An attractive blonde Australian woman and a wealthy American entrepreneur are sitting next to each other on a long haul plane trip. The entrepreneur fancies his chances with the attractive blonde and asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde isn’t interested, politely declines and attempts to sleep.

The entrepreneur persists. "It can be fun and you could make a few dollars too”. The blonde is starting to get annoyed now but figures if it’ll shut him up she’ll play along for a bit and asks him what’s involved. ”I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $AU1, you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I’ll pay you $US1000." says the entrepreneur. She agrees.

The entrepreneur asks the first question, "What's the circumference of the Earth?"
The blonde has no idea, shrugs, goes to her purse and flicks the entrepreneur a dollar coin.

Now, it's the blonde’s turn and she asks the entrepreneur, "What has two heads and three arms?” The entrepreneur’s bamboozled. He does a google search and calls some of his mates to no avail.

After a couple of hours google searching and calling smart mates, he gives up. The blonde has gone to sleep so he wakes her and hands here $US1000. She thanks him, takes the money and goes back to sleep.

By this time the entrepreneur is going mad not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde and asks her, "OK, what has two heads and three arms?”

The blonde reaches into her purse, flicks him another dollar coin and goes back to sleep. :)

How do you drive a blonde Australian crazy?


Give them a bag of M&M’s and tell them to put them in alphabetical order.

Two guys walk into a bar.....the third guy ducked.

A Vermont farmer and a Texan rancher are talking about their land.
Texan "my ranch is so big, I drive all day and I'm still not across my land."
Vermonter "I had a truck like that once!"

Hahahaha!

A woman’s husband died who was notoriously stingy. In his will he demanded that all of his money be buried with him. The day of the funeral his widow came with a shoebox and carefully placed it within his casket. Her son said, “you weren’t crazy enough to actually go on Along with this were you?” She replied, “oh yes. I had to go by the stipulations of the will. I took all the money and put it in the bank and then wrote him a check.”

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!