Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

[Doc Dan]

“Can people predict the future with cards?” Suzie asked Little Johnny.

“My mother can,” said Johnny.

“Really?”

“Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home.”

[Doc Dan]

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

“What’s the matter?” he was asked by a passerby.

He said: “Right before I went under, I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right’.”

“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?” the passerby asked.

“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

[Doc Dan]

An attorney was representing a wealthy art collector. One day the attorney called his client and said, “I have some good news and I have some bad news”.

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day so let’s hear the good news first”.

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right”.

The art collector replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

“The pictures are of you with your secretary.” the attorney replied.

[Doc Dan]

Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You gotten so big" to children.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

[Doc Dan]

My friend said she wouldn't eat cow's tongue because it came out of a cow's mouth. I gave her an egg.

[Doc Dan]

A husband came home to his wife in tears.

“I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.”

“My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she lives in a different city.”

“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.”

He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”

“In the postscript,” she answered. “It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George’.”

[Doc Dan]

“Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?” Sue asked.

“A trip to Thailand,” her husband Tom replied.

“Wow, that’s fantastic, and for our 50th anniversary?”

“Well, then I pick you up again,” he replied.

[Doc Dan]

A customer walked into an ice cream store. He asked the blond behind the counter, “What flavours of ice cream do you have?”

“Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate,” answered the blond waitress in a hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked: “Do you have laryngitis?”

“Um, no. Just, um, vanilla, strawberry and chocolate,” she replied.

[Doc Dan]

What is considered "perfect pitch" with a musical instrument?
When you toss an accordion into a dumpster and it lands on a banjo.

--

What do you call a person who likes to hang around with musicians?
A Bass Player

--

What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four

--

What do you call a drummer whose girlfriend broke up with him?
Homeless

[Doc Dan]

A three-year-old boy opened his birthday gift from his grandmother and he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. However his mother was not so pleased.

The mother turned to the grandmother and said: “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

The grandmother smiled and replied: “Oh yes, I remember.”

[Doc Dan]

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally , it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
A decade later, at the age of 60, the group once more deliberated on the dinner venue. Ultimately, they reached a consensus to gather at the ocean-view restaurant, drawn to the prospect of enjoying their meal in serene surroundings and relishing the beautiful ocean view.
10 years later, at 70 years of age ,the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they had never been there before.

[riclaw]

[standy99]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......

I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......

I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Good one! I'm going to have to stea...er...borrow this one.

[standy99]

Good one! I'm going to have to stea...er...borrow this one.

No drama mate………..ummm I have been ste ///// Errr… um borrowing yours for years

[Doc Dan]

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

[Doc Dan]

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

[Doc Dan]

Two 90 year old men, *Mike and Joe*, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that *Joe is dying*, Mike visits him every day.

One day *Mike says*, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes away.

A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Mike--Mike."

"Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. But...it gets better yet! All of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. What's more, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news?"

“You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"