Family friendly jokes

[standy99]

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.

During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.

She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.

She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"

"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:

"Dear Mom,

While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.

Love, Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:

"Dear John,

While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.

Love, Mom."

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

A young woman was sitting at a coffee shop. She was speaking exceptionally loudly to her friends about what her idea of the perfect man would be.

She said: “The man I am going to marry has to be a shining light amongst company. He has to be musical. He must tell jokes all the time. He needs to sing and entertain me always. And, he needs to stay home at night! I won’t accept anything less.”

An old granny who was sitting behind her overheard the conversation. She turned around and said to the young woman: “Honey, if that’s all you want, just get a TV!”

[Doc Dan]

Two men are seated next to each other on a train. One of the men pulls out his phone to show the other man a picture of his girlfriend.

“It’s she beautiful?” he asks.

The second man response, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife!”

“Oh really? Is she a stunner too?” the first man asks.

“Nah, she’s an optician.”

[legOFwhat?]

Note from wife:

Hey sweetie,

I'm at work, dinner is on the stove, you only have to light it, the gas is already turned on. Xoxo

[riclaw]

That's so wrong! They left off Pluto!

[Doc Dan]

That's so wrong! They left off Pluto!

Here you go. I fixed it.

[Doc Dan]

A father and son were talking about the son failing his math test.

“Why did you fail your mathematics test?” the father asked.

The son answered: “On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8.”

“So?”

The son said: “On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8, and on Wednesday she said 6+2=8. If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?”

[Doc Dan]

A man was chatting to his six-year-old son. The little boy watched a lot of TV, so the dad asked: “If you found a couple of dollars and had to spend it, what would you buy?”

“A box of tampons,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampons?” said the father, rather confused. “What would you do with them?”

“Well,” said the little boy. “I don’t know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampons, it says on the TV that you can go swimming, horseback riding, and skating, any time you want to!”

[Doc Dan]

I went to visit a sick uncle over Christmas and I took some presents and a bottle of whisky.

► Show Spoiler

I hope he won't miss them.

[Doc Dan]

A couple were having marital problems so they decided to go to a marriage counsellor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, walked over to the woman, asked her to stand and gave her a hug. He looked at the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once a day.”

The man frowned, sighed and answered, “Alright, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”

[Doc Dan]

A waiter asked the customers what they wanted to drink: “Tea or coffee, gentlemen?”

The first man said: “I’ll have tea.”

The second man answered: “Me, too – and be sure the glass is clean!”

The waiter nodded and ran off to the kitchen. He returned quickly holding a tray with two cups. He looked at the customers and said: “Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?”

[Doc Dan]

I used to work for Alaskan Airlines.

They had an open door policy.

[Doc Dan]

I was at a nice restaurant the other night and the Maitre d' asked me, "Would you mind waiting?"
I said no.
He said, "Good! Take these drinks to table four."

[Doc Dan]

Barber: Mister, is this your pink tie? No? Then here's your lip.

[Doc Dan]

Stamp out Philately!

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

Funny!

[Doc Dan]

A man was crossing the road when a car came straight for him. He jumped back just in the knick of time as the car sped past him. A police officer was watching from the corner and ran over to help.

“My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!” the shaken man said the cop.

“The car came at you from behind,” the officer said. “How could you tell it was your mother-in-law behind the wheel?”

“I recognized the laugh!”

[Doc Dan]

An old Navy Chief noticed a new face and barked at him: “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart stuff they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed and said: “Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do…”