Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

A police officer pulls over a carload of nuns. The officer says: “Sister, this is a 65km/h highway, why are you going so slow?”

The nun says: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”

“Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!”

“Oh!” the nun answers. “Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”

At this point the officer looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

The officer says: “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.”

“Oh, we just got off highway 180.”

[Doc Dan]

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye but I had to break it off. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

[Doc Dan]

What kind of music performance costs only 45 cents?

► Show Spoiler

A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

[legOFwhat?]

[Doc Dan]

A husband and wife were grocery shopping. The husband picked up a carton of beer and puts it in the trolley.

“What are you doing?” asked the wife

“They’re on sale, only 10 bucks for 24 cans.”

“Put them back, we can’t afford them” the wife responded.

Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asked the husband.

“It’s my face cream, it makes me look beautiful” she said.

“Yeah, so does the 24 cans of beer and it’s half the price!”

No one has heard from the husband since.

[Doc Dan]

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!” she said.

“But why, Mum?” he replied. “I don’t want to go.”

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go,” his mother fired back.

“Well,” he said. “The kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me too!”

“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school,” his mum said. “Come on now and get ready.”

“Give me two reasons why I should go to school,” the son quipped.

“Well for one, you’re 52 years old, and for another you’re the Principal,” she said.

[Doc Dan]

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mum asked: “Why are you home so early?”

“Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class,” he answered.

“Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?” she asked.

“The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'” Jimmy said.

[Doc Dan]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Doc Dan]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. "That's business as usual."

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

It is a five minute walk from my house to the local bar. It is a forty-five minute walk from the bar returning to my house.

The difference is staggering.

[Doc Dan]

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said: “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother with a confused stare and asked: “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called: “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

[Doc Dan]

A couple with three children were waiting in line to purchase tickets for a boat trip to a nearby island.

Others in line watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. “Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”

[Doc Dan]

A woman went to the doctor struggling with fertility.

Worried, she said to the doctor: “Doc, please help me I’ve tried everything, but I can’t get pregnant.”

The doctor pondered for a moment before answering: “It may be a hereditary problem… Did your mother have kids?”

[Ngati Pom]

A woman goes to the doctors.
“ Dr I forgot to take my contradictive pill.”
The Dr replies “you’re ignorant.”
To which she replied, “ Yes, three months.”

[Doc Dan]

A six year old goes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

“Don’t be angry,” the mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realise that pulling hair hurts.”

A short while later, there’s more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says: “Now she knows.”

[Doc Dan]

What does King Arthur call the knife he uses for his omelets?

► Show Spoiler

Eggscaliber

[Naperville]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. "That's business as usual."

That is how it is done in Chicago Illinois, NYC New York, L.A. California....any big city! That is why it costs so much to live there.

[The Meat man]

What does King Arthur call the knife he uses for his omelets?

► Show Spoiler

Eggscaliber

GROAN! Haha!

[Manixguy@1994]

What does King Arthur call the knife he uses for his omelets?

► Show Spoiler

Eggscaliber

I love pulling this type of joke on my granddaughters! Thank you ! Dan