Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

We may have had this one before on this thread, but here goes:

A man lies sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater.

Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated.

The usher, becoming impatient with the man, says, “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved.”

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher so he marches off to get the manager.

In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success.

It’s at this point that the manager calls the police.

Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moans.

“And where ya from Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replies, “The balcony.”

[Doc Dan]

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the dog to death!

[Doc Dan]

Late one evening, during a terrible storm, a man brought his pregnant wife into the maternity ward. The wife was well into labour when the power went out.

While they waited for the generator to kick in, the doctor handed the father-to-be a torch and said, “Hold this up high so I can see what I am doing.”

Soon, there was a loud cry and the doctor announced, “It’s a boy!”

The man went to put the torch down and cradle his newborn son.

“Whoah there,” said the doctor. “You don’t want to be in such a rush to put that torch down. I think there’s another baby on its way.”

The man was surprised. He hadn’t been expecting twins, but sure enough — within minutes — the doctor delivered another baby.

“A girl!” he cried.

The man was overwhelmed and went to put the torch down again.

“Hold on a minute,” said the doctor. “I think there’s another baby on its way.”

The man stared in disbelief as the doctor delivered his third baby.

“Can I put the torch down now, doc?” he asked.

“Not yet. It seems there is another baby coming.”

The man scratched his head in bewilderment.

“Doc, do you think it might be the light that’s attracting them?”

[Doc Dan]

I wrote a book about falling down a staircase.

It's a step-by-step guide.

[Doc Dan]

A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says,
“Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman - every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “ Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman - he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
𝐂𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐲: “𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐞𝐭 𝐅𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐤. 𝐇𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐟𝐞.”

[SaltyCaribbeanDfly]

I can’t believe I’m just now seeing this

[Doc Dan]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers,
“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!

[Doc Dan]

After closing time at the bar, a man (who was just a bit tipsy) was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led them to his bedroom where he had a big brass gong and a mallet.

“What’s with the gong?” one of his friends asked.

“It’s not a gong,” the drunk man said. “It’s a talking clock.”

“A talking clock? Are you serious?” his astonished friend asked.

“Yup!”

“How does it work?” the friend asked.

“I’ll show you!” said the drunk man, picking up the mallet and giving the brass gong an ear-shattering pound. He stepped back and waited with the other two men.

Suddenly, from the other side of the wall, a voice yelled, “You bloody idiot! It’s three fifteen in the morning!”

[Doc Dan]

A scientist asks a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name!”

[Doc Dan]

As I get older I’ve come to realize the following 10 things:

1] I talk to myself because I sometimes need expert advice.
2] Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3] I don’t need anger management. I need people to use a bit of common sense and stop being so silly.
4] My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for stupidity that might need some work.
5] The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it!”
6] When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now, it’s like a mini-vacation.
7] People shouldn't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee...or afternoon, or evening...You know what? People just shouldn't talk to me, period.
8] Even duct tape can’t fix silly, but it can muffle the sound.
9] Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
10] ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.

[Bolster]

Aaaaa ha ha ha LOL, excellent. Don't have one to contribute today but want to give props to the man on the stage.

[TomAiello]

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

I actually have a blind friend who has made several hundred skydives.

He said the most important thing he has learned is 'have three radios, because when the back up goes out, you have to have another one.'

[Doc Dan]

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

I actually have a blind friend who has made several hundred skydives.

He said the most important thing he has learned is 'have three radios, because when the back up goes out, you have to have another one.'

That would be important because he wouldn't be able to see a malfunction or how far he was off of the ground! The next sound he might hear is 'SPLAT!" without the radios.

[TomAiello]

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

I actually have a blind friend who has made several hundred skydives.

He said the most important thing he has learned is 'have three radios, because when the back up goes out, you have to have another one.'

That would be important because he wouldn't be able to see a malfunction or how far he was off of the ground! The next sound he might hear is 'SPLAT!" without the radios.

It's really about canopy flight. It's easy to feel a malfunction happening, and to identify a malfunctioning canopy by feel, when trying to fly it. Flying back to the landing area and timing the flare to land, though, definitely require outside 'spotters'.

[Doc Dan]

My only experience with jumping out of airplanes was in the Army. I had a malfunction on my first jump, but the only way I was aware of it was that I looked up. The ride down on the parachute was always wonderful, day or night...well, except when they jumped us out in a bad storm!

[Doc Dan]

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

[Doc Dan]

A Guy urgently needed a few days off work, But, he knew the Boss would not allow him to leave. he thought that maybe if he acted "Crazy" Then he would tell him to take a few days off. So, he hung upside-down on the ceiling & Made funny noises.

His co-worker (who's blonde)! asked him what he was doing. He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think he was "Crazy" & give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?" He told him he was a light bulb.

The boss said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home & recuperate for a couple of days."

He jumped down & walked out of the office... When did, his co-worker (the blonde) followed him out.

The Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?!"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!

[Doc Dan]

For the third night in a row, someone has been mysteriously adding soil to my vegetable patch. The plot thickens.

[Doc Dan]

I'm not sayin' the line at the emergency room was long, but the guy in front of me had a musket wound.

[TomAiello]

I had a malfunction on my first jump, but the only way I was aware of it was that I looked up.

Dang. That's terrifying. I've met some people who had malfunctions on their first jump, but it's very rare. I think my first malfunction requiring reserve activation was around 1500 skydives. On your first jump, you're so overwhelmed with anything that it's impressive you were able to recognize the malfunction at all. Nice work!