Step Child

[TkoK83Spy]

Well today. The inevitable has happened for me...and it honestly hurt a bit more than I imagined it would.

My wife and I have been together for 6 and a half years now. She has a daughter from a previous relationship that is 7 years and 2 months old. My wife and I instantly hit it off, I was living in my own bachelor pad when we met. A small 900 sq/ft home. We made it work though once we started getting serious.

I made the decision, knowing in my heart that she was the one, to get us out of that house and into something bigger and nicer, especially for her daughter to grow up in a nice neighborhood instead of where we were. Her daughter was 3 years old when we moved to our current neighborhood.

Her daughter's father is very much in her life and has her 3 days a week. After school for a few hours and then all day on Saturdays. Him and I have a pretty decent relationship these days after a rough start 6 years ago. He knows I'm there for his daughter and do my best for her. She calls me "daddy" and he is actually ok with that. She feels lucky to have two guys she can call daddy is what she says :)

Fast forward to today. The simplest argument this morning...she was going to be with her father for the day and he pulled up waiting in the driveway, I told her she needed to get some socks on before she left. The typical back and forth ensues, then it came...

"Your not my real dad, I don't have to listen to you" I was shocked, hurt and stunned. I've been a father figure to this girl since she can remember. Moved us to a better area for her, began paying $400 more a month on a mortgage for her to have a better place to grow up. I knew this day would eventually come, I just didn't see it happening so soon.

Her mother was livid that she had said that. And she says "well he's not" to which my wife starts crying, the kid then starts crying and I'm just sitting here not sure what to do or think.

I played it off the rest of the day. As I know it upset my wife. But honestly, I'm hurt as well. Do any of you have step children, that can relate to this, especially at this early age she's at.? I expected this when she was 12 or so, but not at 7.

I'm honestly not sure what to say or how to react to it going forward. Anyone with some experience in this situation...I'd greatly appreciate your input. Thanks.

[The Mastiff]

I have lived through that. My best advice is to realize kids say stuff and do things they shouldn't without a lot of thought. I'd say to keep things in perspective. When you are not feeling emotional you can talk to her about it but until then let it go. The best thing you can do for kids is to be constant through the ups and downs of life. Hopefully that will be something they can learn from you. Drama of any kind from a parent figure makes things worse and will turn into something they think is normal behavior throughout their life. They can pick up the bad influences just as fast as the good ones.

Out of my whole family my step father is the one aside from my son who I'm closest to and that is long after the death of my mother and his remarrying into another family. He is in his middle 80's and his mind is as clear as a bell and he can still give good advice when needed. :)

Joe

[Bloke]

Hey Rick, I’ve not been in your situation but I have several friends who have. All I know is it’s a very difficult situation when you do your best to provide and be a genuine loving father figure.

I don’t think there’s any simple answers mate. As painful as it must be for you I thing the only answer you could possibly give if and when she reminds you again that you’re not her biological father is to admit to her that you aren’t but you love her as though you were her father irrespectively, care for her well being and only want what’s best for her. Tell her her words hurt you because you love her and leaving it at that for her to think over.

I think if you take a hard line you’ll only complicate a delicate situation and I’m sure you already know when push comes to shove your wife will always side with her daughter and then you’ll be fighting on two fronts in a no win battle.

Good luck mate and for what it’s worth; slowly, slowly catches monkey. :)

[The Meat man]

Rick, I haven't been in that situation before but I can understand how it would hurt. I think Joe (the Mastiff) gives good advice as well as Alex. It's hard, but probably the best way to react.

I will be praying for you and your family Rick!

[Evil D]

Kids can be brutal. She'll open her eyes eventually. My son has been raised by his step mom from the time he was 2 but he won't give her the respect he gives his mother despite the fact that his step mom has been there for him in more ways than she ever has. Eventually when they get older and mature they'll understand that blood relation doesn't mean more or better love.

[TkoK83Spy]

Thanks guys, very sound advice all around! It is difficult to reason with a 7 year old, I need to keep that in mind and as it's been said, try not to take it to heart. Everything is back to normal today so I'm not sure if I'll just let it go this time. I'm sure the fact that she saw how upset it made her mother struck a cord with her.

Thanks again fellas. I love this place

[ferider]

Hi Rick,

I don't have step children, but my wife has two step daughters from my first marriage. Also, she was a step child herself. I'm guessing for you this is just starting at 7, be prepared that it will take easily until after puberty. On the bright side, my two daughters are 24 and 27 now and my wife has a great relationship with them. This will continue to be hard, in particular for your wife.

Just remind yourself to be patient. And, don't forget, women rock :)

Roland.

[Crux]

I've been there too. Maybe explain to her that you know you aren't her real father but you have raised her like your real daughter. It helps if you have a child also then it's a better point. Girls go through this and it's very hurtful. You just need to be patient even if it takes a couple years and she will realise that she has been wrong. We can laugh about it now, but I wanted to disown at the time. Just keep calm and let her get it out, she's just conflicted and/or just pushing back a little for leverage.

[wrdwrght]

What Joe said. Every word.

[MichaelScott]

We have two adopted children. Grown now. Great relationship with both. When our daughter was about ten she went through confusion and uncertainty about who she was relative to us. One day when she was really troubled I told her that we love her and regardless of what ever happens, she is stuck with us. And, I said, we are stuck with you.

Just love her, be constant and kind, don’t take all of what she says now seriously, she doesn’t mean it but she doesn’t know that now.

Our daughter is now 29, working on a catamaran in Australia and calls every week.

It will work out. Trust me.

[tvenuto]

I have no step children, but my wife was one. She said: “oh yea, we pulled that s**t on my stepmom a few times. Kids are jerks.”

Heck, even my 3 year old daughter said to me recently: “mommy loves me, you don’t love me, I love mommy not you.” She literally said this apropos to nothing and she wasn’t even mad. Of course a while later she was all hugs again.

I figure as a (admittedly low-emotion) grown male I have the superpower of emotional maturity/unflappability. Not getting worked up over perceived slights to my ego are part of the job description of a husband and father.

I’m certainly not calling anyone a wimp or saying you shouldn’t feel things, this is just how I view it.