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A man couldn't find his wife. He'd lost her somewhere in the huge modern grocery store. He approached a young pretty woman and asked, "Excuse me, would you mind talking to me for a minute?"

"Why should I? I don't know you," she bluntly.

"Because I've lost my wife in here, somewhere. As soon as I start talking to a younger, beautiful woman, she immediately appears," he said.

Miracle: A man successfully drove across town even though his wife wasn't there to give helpful safe driving tips.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window and said, "It's going to rain."

His wife asked, "How do you know?"

He replied, "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Doc Dan wrote: ↑

Sat Dec 03, 2022 10:35 pm

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window and said, "It's going to rain."

His wife asked, "How do you know?"

He replied, "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

I love these kind of jokes ! Good one Doc !

Really enjoying the jokes. I have no sources of my own so lean heavily on Doc.

Bolster wrote: ↑

Sun Dec 04, 2022 1:21 pm

Really enjoying the jokes. I have no sources of my own so lean heavily on Doc.

Just type in your search engine Good Clean Jokes or Funny Clean Jokes or Family Friendly Jokes and you'll find millions.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.

And people had started to call for the cops
when they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened”.

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on the news, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

As for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets… they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football… someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…

“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

A woman has her office Christmas party coming up and wants to make sure she looks her best.

She’s already sorted her shoes, hair and make-up, but needs the perfect dress to complete her look.

The woman heads down to the local shopping centre and notices a stunning party dress on display in the window of one of the fashion stores.

She looks for the dress inside the store but has no luck.

Eventually, she calls the store assistant and asks for help.

“May I try on that pretty party dress in the window,” she asks.

The store assistant goes red in the face before yelling at the customer.

“You most certainly cannot,” she replies. “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everybody else!”

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day, he painted six kilometres; the next day three kilometres; the following day less than a kilometre.

When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied: “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”

On the first night of their honeymoon, a husband isn’t sure how to tell his new wife about his smelly feet and stinky socks.

Meanwhile, the wife is wondering how to break the news about her awful breath, which she’s so far managed to hide.

After some soul-searching and confidence building, the husband finally plucks up the courage to say: “I have a confession”.

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says: “Darling, so do I.”

Immediately recoiling, he says: “Don’t tell me – you’ve eaten my socks?”

Doc Dan thx for all you’re jokes. They have gotten me true allot of long waiting times in the doctors office that otherwise would have bin boring!

apollo wrote: ↑

Wed Dec 14, 2022 11:35 am

Doc Dan thx for all you’re jokes. They have gotten me true allot of long waiting times in the doctors office that otherwise would have bin boring!

You're welcome.

Post some if you run across any fit for families.

A 90y old man with Alzheimer's used to live next door to my apartment. Every day at 9 am he ringed the bell and asked, if I have seen his wife.
So, every day, at 9 am, I had to explain to a 90y old man, that his wife had passed quite a while since.
I thought about moving.
I thought about not answering the door.
But to be honest, the smile in his face every day was worth it.

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

MG2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

“Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead”.

A woman is entertaining her parents who have come around to congratulate her on the birth of their first grandchild.

“So, when can we see the baby?” asks the grandmother.

“In a little while,” replies the mother.

Some time passes. The grandparents are looking quite anxious at this point.

“So, when can we see the baby?” asks the grandfather.

“When the baby starts crying,” replies the mother.

The grandparents turn to look at each other, a little perplexed and ask: “Why do we have to wait until she starts crying?!”

The mother snaps back: “Because I put her down somewhere this morning and I can’t remember where she is!”

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I can't believe it! You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

Doc Dan wrote: ↑

Mon Dec 19, 2022 11:37 pm

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."

I can't believe it! You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

haha lol

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?”

She nods her head yes.

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, “Here. Iron this.”