Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

What do you call a person who sleeps in their socks?

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Tiny

[The Meat man]

What do you call a person who sleeps in their socks?

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Tiny

Hahaha! That got me.

[Doc Dan]

A man’s friend sets him up on a blind date with another friend of his. The man is worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” he says. “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” the friend replies. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just scream really loud and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, the man knocks on the girl’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful she is. The man is about to speak when the girl suddenly screams and shouts loudly: “I think I’m having an asthma attack!”

[Doc Dan]

A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”

“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

[legOFwhat?]

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and storms off.

A day later she sees the same parrot and once again it says, "Hey lady, my God are you ugly." The lady is so furious that she marches into the store and threatens to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologizes profusely and promises the bird won't say it again.

The next day when the lady walks past the store the parrot says to her, "Hey lady. Lady!" She pauses, scowls with an icy stare, and says, "Yes?" And the parrot says, "... You know..."

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son: “Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs Pierpoint is?”

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.

“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.

“At me!” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

Tony replied: “Mrs Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

[Doc Dan]

A woman shouts to her blond husband, "Did you find the shampoo?"

"Yes," he answers, "but I don't know what to do. It says for dry hair only and I've already wet mine."

[Doc Dan]

One more:

A blond man spots a letter on his doormat, It says on the outside of the envelope "DO NOT BEND." He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

[Doc Dan]

Okay, just one more, I promise:

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The blond man replies, "No! This is her husband!"

[Doc Dan]

What do you call a happy cowboy?

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A jolly rancher.

[Doc Dan]

What happens if you enter a wormhole?

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You get stuck in the apple.

[Doc Dan]

Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn?

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Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

[Doc Dan]

In honor of 486000:

Two friends were riding along on a tandem bicycle when, suddenly, the one at the front slammed on the brakes, hopped off and began letting air out of the tyres.

“Hey!” the one at the back said. “What are you doing that for?!”

“My seat was too high. I wanted to lower it a bit,” the first guy replied.

The one on the back then jumped off in frustration, loosened his own seat and spun it around to face the other direction.

“Now what are you doing?” the first guy asked his friend.

“Look,” the back rider said, “If you’re going to do stupid stuff like that, I’m going home!”

[Doc Dan]

What's the best way to catch a squirrel?

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Climb up into a tree and act like a nut.

[Doc Dan]

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

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Hailing taxis.

[Doc Dan]

What do you call a cow with only two legs?

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Lean beef.