Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

Proper insults:

1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde
9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.
22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

[legOFwhat?]

Oh I love #3! "He had delusions of adequacy." I'm going to have to work that into my daily snide comments.

#12 and #15 are pretty good too.

Thanks for the chuckle Doc!

[Manixguy@1994]

Outstanding Doc ! Dan

[Doc Dan]

Three drunken men climbed into a taxi after a heavy night of drinking.

Immediately realising that the men were inebriated, the driver quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them.

He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination.”

“Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money. The second guy thanked him enthusiastically.

The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force.

“What was that for?” yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught.

“Next time don’t go so fast! You nearly killed us!”

[Doc Dan]

A student applied for university and had to do an interview.

The interviewer thought the boy was very smart and since he could answer all the questions correctly, he decided to corner the boy with an impossible question.

“For this next section, I can either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think hard before you make up your mind,” said the interviewer.

The boy thought for a while and said: “I choose one really difficult question.”

“Well, good luck to you! Tell me: What comes first, day or night?”

The boy thought for a long while before confidently answering: “It’s the day, sir.”

Confident that he’d tricked the boy, the interviewer asked: “How did you find that out?”

The boy shrugged and answered: “Sorry sir, you promised me you would only ask one difficult question!”

[Doc Dan]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO. “This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”

[Doc Dan]

You are the Monday of my life.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why you seem bright until you speak.

If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say I'd be on Welfare.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.

[Doc Dan]

Why does the chicken coop have two doors?

► Show Spoiler

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

A university first year decided to try out for the rugby team.

“Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the student, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it into splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach. “I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred metre dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?”

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. “Well, sir,” he said. “If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

[Doc Dan]

Stupid chemistry jokes:

-If IronMan and Silver Surfer teamed up, they’d be alloys.



-Wanna hear a joke about potassium? K…



-Why are all chemistry jokes bad? Because the good ones argon.



-Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One exclaims “I’ve lost my electron!”
”Are you sure?” Says the other.
”Yes, I’m positive!”

[Doc Dan]

Why is everyone so tired on April 1? Because they just finished a 31-day March.

I have a great April Fools' joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

I was going to tell you an April Fools' joke about boxing, but I forget the punch line.

What did the ghost say on April 1? April Ghoul's Day!

What did one blossom say to the other? Let's be best buds.

What do you call Frank Sinatra on April 1? Prank Sinatra!

Who needs just one day for fools? I'm surrounded by them 365 days a year!

I was going to tell you an April Fools' Day joke about an old plane, but I just don't think it'll fly today.

Babies born on March 31 are so easy to prank on April Fools' Day. I mean, they were literally born yesterday.

What did the lifeguard say on April 1? April Pools' Day!

What did one egg say to the other on April 1? Heard any good yolks today?

Knock, knock! Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita know when April Fools' Day is.

What did the hammer say on April 1? April Tools' Day!

Knock, knock! Who's there? Otto. Otto who? You otto know April Fools' is on April 1.

You've heard that April showers bring May flowers, but do you know what May flowers bring? Pilgrims, mostly.

What did one spring flower say to the other? You just gotta be-leaf in yourself!

Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Some bunny. Some bunny who? Some bunny's been pranking me all April Fools' Day.

What did summer say to spring? Help, I'm about to fall!

How come flowers don't like riding bicycles? They keep losing their petals.

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

What happens to bad rainbows?

► Show Spoiler

They get sent to prism. It's a light sentence and gives them time to reflect.

[Doc Dan]

When does a joke become a dad joke?

► Show Spoiler

When it is fully groan.

[Doc Dan]

Who has some family friendly jokes to post?

[James Y]

There was once a street named Chuck Norris, but they had to rename it because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Jim

[Manixguy@1994]