Jokes

[Vincent]

lol great jokes guys.

[Jimmy_Dean]

hey bobbcat, those were great! A lot of great stuff in there. Keep it coming :)


I'm not so good at telling jokes in english but I'll try to come up with something

[Ray.Hood]

These are all good. :D

[VultureParade]

A woman and a man are messing around in bed when the woman hears her husband come home.

The woman's husband starts walking down the hallway to the bedroom, so without time to even grab his clothes the man jumps in the closet.

The door opens and the woman's husband walks into the room.

"Hey honey, what are you doing in bed?"

"I was tired so I took a nap" said the woman

Before she can stop him, her husband takes off his coat and walks over to the closet to hang it up. He opens the door and to his suprise there's a naked man standing between his ties and shirts.

"Who the **** are you?!?" said the husband

"Oh, hi. I'm the exterminator, bad news, you've got one **** of a moth infestation"

"What are you talking about?" said the husband "why the **** are you naked?"

The man looks down at his naked body and then back up at the husband.

"Those bastards!"



That ones a bit better in person, but it's one of my favorites. I couldn't remember it completely so I took some liberties, but you get the idea :)

-Bryan

[Michael Cook]

Why does Hawaii have an inter-state highway?

[dialex]

32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

You should have told me this before... :eek:

[dialex]

There's this guy comin home from work in a cold winter evening.
Tired and frozen, he fills the bathtub with hot water and hops inside. He relaxes, almost falls asleep when someone knocks at the door. Taken by surprise and still half asleep, the guy steps out of the tub, gets a pair of slippers and by mistake a raincoat, buttons it casually and opens the door. At the door, a neighbour that watches him and starts laughing.
"Yeah, yeah, very funny" sais the guy. "Like you've never seen a man in a raincoat before"
"Oh, I've seen a man in a raincoat" replies the neighbour. "What I didn't see so far was a raincoat buttoned with a testicle" :)

[anorexicpillow]

The difference between the lottery and an argument with a woman.


atleast with the lottery you have a chance to win.


arguments with women are like wrestling a pig in the end your both muddy and you find out the pig likes it

[bobbcat]

How to give over 100%

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!


If you write out the Alphabet: A-Z and give each letter a number
as follows:
A = 1
B = 2
C = 3
etc, until you get all the way to Z = 26 then,


H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only 98%


K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = only 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%


Now you know what it takes to achieve 103%

[bobbcat]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like
the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to
buy a new car.


3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
on only five percent of the roads.


6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation " warning light.


7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.


8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.


10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[vampyrewolf]

A couple of city slickers decide to make a weekend of camping in the middle of nowhere. As they arrive, they decide that there's just too much for them to take in if they stay together, so they agree to share the day's experience when they meet up back at the camp for supper.

The first guy back, tells tales of beautiful waterfalls, wildlife coming within metres of him, and total serenity.

The second guy tells of a beautiful woman he saw tied to the tracks and rescued. She was a goddess, and they made hot passionate sex all day long.

"So what was her name, I'd like to find her tomorrow and see for myself"

"Dunno, never found the head"

[znpschatz]

A grasshopper hops onto a bar. The bartender leans over and says "We serve a drink named after you."

The grasshopper replies. "Why would anyone name a drink Ralph?"

[pjrocco]

What do you do when your dishwasher is leaking?


Tell your wife to stand closer to the sink. :D