Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

A husband and wife purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and, as the years first snow came early, the wife was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.

“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” the husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and they woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

The husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. “For the past 30 years,” he muttered. “They’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”

[Bloke]

Ah, hahaha! :)

Hey Doc, between you and z4 I’m guaranteed to get a chuckle on this tread. Even if it’s just to laugh at how corny some of these jokes are. :cool:

Please don’t stop, either one of you!

[z4vdBt]

My friend says to me - What rhymes with orange. I said - No it doesn't.

[Doc Dan]

While two families were waiting in line to see a tourist attraction, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

“My name is Joshua. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Adam,” replied the second.

“My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do?” asked Joshua.


Adam proudly replied: “My daddy is a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Joshua.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Adam.

[z4vdBt]

An old man is concerned that his wife is starting to go deaf. He goes to the doctor and says - My wife can't hear very well anymore and I am getting worried. What should I do to help her?

First we need to understand how serious the problem is. Stand 25 feet away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, walk 5 ft closer and ask again. Repeat this until she can hear you and then let me know how far away you were standing.

The man is so concerned for his wife that he agrees to do what the doctor suggested. He stands 25 feet from his wife and says - What's for dinner?

He walks closer - What's for dinner?

The man does this 2 more times until he is standing only 5 feet from his wife. The man is now very worried and tries one last time - What's for dinner?

The wife looks over and yells at him - I HAVE TOLD YOU 4 TIMES ALREADY, WE ARE HAVING LASAGNA!

[stream26]

True story.
My daughter discovered how to control the music in the car with my phone. She decided she would play House of the Rising Sun four or five times in a row every day…just to annoy me.

Every once in a while, she taunts me with the first few bars.

[z4vdBt]

Last year I had a great idea for making life easier for people. I wanted to use nerve tissue from the skills of farm raised rabbits to build a device that can automate common household tasks. Since this tissue is typically disposed of as useless it would be a revolutionary development at almost no cost. Unfortunately, my kick start campaign failed. Apparently people just thought of it as a nothing more than a hare brain scheme.

[Doc Dan]

True story.
My daughter discovered how to control the music in the car with my phone. She decided she would play House of the Rising Sun four or five times in a row every day…just to annoy me.

Every once in a while, she taunts me with the first few bars.

There is a house in New Orleans, they call the Rising Sun...



:D

[Doc Dan]

A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer take out his wallet and looks at a picture of his wife. He did this several times, until finally the bartender asked: “Why after you finish a beer do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?”
The guy said: “Well, as soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

[z4vdBt]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Fish.

Fish who?

Gesundheit.

[z4vdBt]

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn't get discouraged. So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground. Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again. After a while one of the pigeons ask the other - Hey honey, don't you think its time we tell her that she's adopted?

[Doc Dan]

A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about two weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary: “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says: “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attention, the man answers: “Sure, ok.”
So he gets on the horse and says: “Thank God,” and the horse starts walking. Then he says: “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says: “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God,” and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
“Whoa, stop, hold on!”
Finally he remembers: “Amen!”
The horse stops four centimetres from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says: “Thank God.”

[legOFwhat?]

While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.”

His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”

[Doc Dan]

There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he was.


He started his own office and, on the first day, he saw a man walking into his office. In an attempt to seem busy, he quickly picked up the phone and gestured for the man to come in while he pretended he was talking to a very important person.

After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologised to the man and said: “Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I’m a very busy man. What can I do for you?”

The man smiled and said: “I’m from the telephone company. I’m here to hook up your phone.”

[z4vdBt]

A family of three skunks were walking along a trail in the forest in late fall. The father skunk says - My instincts tell me it's time to hibernate. To this, the mother skunk replied - My instincts tell me the same thing. The baby skunk chimed in - My end stinks too, but it doesn't tell me anything.

[z4vdBt]

Then there's the one about the kid who decided to give up ice cream for Lent.

Except for sundaes, of course.

[legOFwhat?]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[Doc Dan]

A family of three skunks were walking along a trail in the forest in late fall. The father skunk says - My instincts tell me it's time to hibernate. To this, the mother skunk replied - My instincts tell me the same thing. The baby skunk chimed in - My end stinks too, but it doesn't tell me anything.

Then there's the one about the kid who decided to give up ice cream for Lent.

Except for sundaes, of course.

Hahahaha!

[Doc Dan]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Good one.

[Doc Dan]

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood. It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.

The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around. During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat. Every day at lunch, however, as his neighbors were eating cold tuna sandwiches, the Protestant would grill himself a big, juicy steak that could be smelled throughout the neighborhood.

Several weeks into Lent, the Catholics meet after Mass to discuss the issue. They didn't want to be unneighborly, but the smell was really driving them crazy.

Then, one of them comes up with a suggestion: since the Protestant moved to a Catholic community, maybe he'd be open to converting. While it wouldn't fix the problem that year, it would make next year's Lent go much more smoothly. After much debate, they agree to bring the offer to the Protestant.

To their surprise and delight, he is completely open to converting. He goes through the process and gets rebaptized as a Catholic. The entire neighborhood shows up for his confirmation, where the priest splashes him with holy water while saying, "You were born a Protestant ... you were raised a Protestant ... and now you're a Catholic."

The next year goes smoothly, and the whole neighborhood gets along great. Then, Lent rolls around again. As everyone is at home with their cold tuna sandwiches, a smell permeates the air: charcoal, wood chips, STEAK. Confused, everyone rushes over to the convert's house.

They find him standing over his grill, a juicy steak cooking away. He's splashing the slab of meat with beer, and the neighbors hear him speaking in a solemn voice.

"You were born a cow ... you were raised a cow ... and now you're a fish."