Family friendly jokes

[bearrowland]

[Doc Dan]

Tag. You’re it.

[bearrowland]

Here goes! A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[James Y]

Here's a bad one I'm not sure belongs here or that anyone here will even get:

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

Jim

[bearrowland]

[Bloke]

A white horse walks into a bar and asks a barman if he has any whiskey? The barman replies, he has indeed and goes on to tell the horse they even have a whiskey named after him.

The horse is confused, “You have a whiskey called Macca?” :rolleyes:

[Doc Dan]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:

“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa…! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

“Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[The Meat man]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, while the other is a little lighter.

[Doc Dan]

Hahaha!

Who else has one?

[BLUETYPEII]

deleted

[Bloke]

I’ve heard the same joke told a little differently but still hilarious!

Hey Blue, I heard it from a Scotsman and the lawyer in that case was a Pom. Ah, hahaha! :D

[BLUETYPEII]

deleted

[Doc Dan]

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

[Doc Dan]

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

[Doc Dan]

I went to donate blood today, but they kept asking too many irritating questions, like,

“Who’s blood is this?”
“Where did this blood come from?”

[The Meat man]

Ha ha! :D

[Doc Dan]

Ha ha! :D

Your turn :D

[SkullBouncer]

Let's try this:

Two city slicker types from NYC take a jet trip out to Colorado on vacation. They had never been deer hunting before and wanted to scratch it off of their bucket lists. One of the men had experience with his uncle's rifle target shooting when he was younger, so between the two of them they figured their odds were good at bagging that deer.

They rented a 4wd truck, and a pair of .308s with scopes and ammo from a front range gun shop, then loaded everything up and at last embarked upon their trip into the Colorado back country.

They eventually reached a place to leave the truck, and hiked a mile or so to a good hunting spot, then settled in, patiently awaiting their big chance.

By the next morning they indeed managed to shoot an eight point buck!
The pair were elated! They managed to crudely field dress the game. Upon resting, one pulled out a fifth of Jack from his rucksack and they relaxed in celebration and imbibed for a few hours, eventually consuming the bottle of bourbon.

They then packed up, grabbed their prize by one rear hoof each and began dragging it back to the 4x4.

"Man, this is hard work!" one slurred to the other, who agreed. They trudged onward, and by happenstance passed a hunting party going the other way. One of the other hunters congratulated the two, but mentioned that if they grabbed the kill by the antlers it would be far easier on them.

They thanked the other hunters and off the pair went, dragging the buck by the antlers. After a while, one of the men drawled "Hey, this really IS easier!"

The other, just as drunk, replied: "Yeah -- but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck."
=================================================================

:spyder: SB -- BRUCE :D

[Doc Dan]

Hahaha! I think I know those guys.

[Doc Dan]

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your driver’s license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: Oh. Then may I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Woman: Can’t do that either.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I kidnapped the owner, tied him up and stuffed him in the trunk, if you want to take a look.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away and calls for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars roar up to the site. A senior officer slowly steps out of his car and approaches the woman, clasping his gun in both hands.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please?
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and kidnapped the owner.

Woman: Kidnapped the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you don’t have a driver’s license.
The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a license and hands it to the officer, who examines it. He looks puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you kidnapped and tied up the owner.
Woman: I bet that liar told you I was speeding, too.