Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.
Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay.
They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.
The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year.
At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad.
Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?" The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

[z4vdBt]

A dog limps into a saloon orders a drink and says - I'm looking for the son of a ***** that shot my paw.

[Doc Dan]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life?
Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

[z4vdBt]

lol defense attorneys

- - -

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews - but we only had one star.

- - -

[James Y]

I went swimming at the YMCA and decided to take a leak at the deep end of the pool. Somehow, the lifeguard noticed; he blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in!

Jim

[z4vdBt]

lol

[Doc Dan]

I went swimming at the YMCA and decided to take a leak at the deep end of the pool. Somehow, the lifeguard noticed; he blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in!

Jim

Hahahahaha! Good one.

[z4vdBt]

Apparently there has been a disaster on the internet. One of the servers that contains every online dictionary has crashed and all the data has been deleted. The chief engineer in charge of the server was asked how he felt about this catastrophe.

There are no words - he said.

[Doc Dan]

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

- Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

- No matter what you do for them, it is not enough.
Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

- No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.

- Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

- Cats have nine lives.
Teenagers carry on as if they did.

- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

- Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

- Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.
Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians.
It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

[Naperville]

I've been a silent partner here for a long time. I read these when I need a pick-me-up. Thanks for posting!

[kiwisailor]

I second that Naperville.

[Doc Dan]

Yeah, I had decided there was too much negativity in the world so I started this thread. I wish more people would post family friendly jokes.

[kiwisailor]

Yep, I get your point, but the Reprobates I hang out with don't know any clean ones, that's why I come here...

[Doc Dan]

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
I must be a god!

[Doc Dan]

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald.
He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant.

"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant.

"How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the owner, "is your first worry."

[z4vdBt]

My car broke down. The mechanic said - crap in the carburetor. I said - how often do I have to do that?

[The Meat man]

My car broke down. The mechanic said - crap in the carburetor. I said - how often do I have to do that?

Ha ha! :D

[Halfbore]

My car broke down. The mechanic said - crap in the carburetor. I said - how often do I have to do that?

So did that fix it? Been having some idle problems. Be nice if that would save me a trip to the garage.

[bearfacedkiller]

T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt.

It’s because of the small arms.

[kiwisailor]

Russian joke circa 1988.
Lady walks into car dealer with chit (required)
" I want to buy a car"
Dealer, " no problem, you can have it in 10 years"
Lady, " morning or afternoon?"
Dealer, "what is the difference?"
Lady, " The Plumber is coming in afternoon.."

From Paul Theroux's book "Ghost train to the Eastern Star.
Excellent book, great read.