Family friendly jokes

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1061

Post by Doc Dan »

Why don't they play poker in Africa?
There's too many cheetahs.

Answers received:

That's not true!
... you're lion.

These are the kind of puns I really Gopher!
It's fun because Toucan play this game!
I don't want to Boar you, but if you have more, Owl wait for them!

That's almost more than I can bear. I haven't the hart to go on ... I'd pay someone else to do it for me but haven't the doe.

Oh Deer, if Ewe keep this up for much longer Alpaca lunch!
Sometimes we can Bee persistent, but I don't think we do it on Porpoise.
Maybe some of these are a bit hard to Swallow, people may think it's a Croc.
Ok, we certainly don't want to create Panda-monium, I'm Otter here.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1062

Post by Doc Dan »

Isn't strange that the people from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, yet the people from abu Dhabi do.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1063

Post by Doc Dan »

A new building went up on a suburban link road. It was a cluster of three shops with identical fronts.

A Greek greengrocer bought the first, telling the developer he would set up a nice fresh produce store. He chose the shop on the left so as to get the morning business. It would have a sign over the door that read, ‘Nico’s Fruit and Veges.’

A Chinese market gardener bought the one on the right. He told the developer he, too, would establish a fresh produce shop and expected to get the home-bound afternoon traffic. His sign over the door would read, ‘Freshest Produce.’

Old John bought the shop in the middle and said his intention was to have a fresh produce shop. The developer was a bit surprised and asked what signage he’d have above the door. John answered, ‘Main Entrance’.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1064

Post by Doc Dan »

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair so he decided to increase the speed.

As the needle jumped up to 80 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and increased his speed to 90 then 100 km/h. The reality of the situation hit him. “What in **** am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The police officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

The police officer then said, “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, it’s Friday the 13th, and I don’t want to do any paperwork. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go”.

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a police officer. I was afraid you were trying to give her back”.

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1065

Post by Doc Dan »

A Roman Catholic priest is rushing off to the airport to fly off to Rome when he meets an old school mate named Mary.

"Mary, it is so good to see you! How have you been?"

"Not too good, Father. My husband Robert and I have been trying to have children but we are unable to conceive."

"Oh, well, I'm off to Rome. I'll light a candle for you when I get there."

Five years later the door bell rings and the priest goes to the door to find Mary and Robert standing there.

"Father, five years ago you lit a candle for us and since we have had twins, then triplets, and now we just found out that I'm pregnant with quintuplets. We brought you a ticket to go to Rome."

"Oh, your joy is my joy!"

"It's not so we can thank you. It's so you can go to Rome and blow out that candle!"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1066

Post by Doc Dan »

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital.

As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard’s idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth.

But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

“Mr. Phillard,” the doctor said, “you are in the recovery room. Don’t worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids.”

“What! My brother, the idiot! I can’t believe you let him! What did he name them?”

“He named your daughter Denise.”

“Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?”

“He named your son Denephew.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1067

Post by Doc Dan »

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.

The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?” The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

The pro asked, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

The priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1068

Post by Doc Dan »

A man died and went to The Judgment where the angel told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1069

Post by akapennypincher »

Gentleman from Texas was bragging about have large home. Guy asked how big is large❓

Texan said phone in kitchen is in one area code, bedroom phone is in different area code.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1070

Post by Doc Dan »

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1071

Post by Doc Dan »

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.

“Grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1072

Post by Doc Dan »

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…

It said that women used 30,000 to men used only 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.”

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1073

Post by Doc Dan »

One week before her daughter’s wedding, a mother pulls aside the bride-to-be.

She says, “I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman.”

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, “Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1074

Post by Doc Dan »

Okay! Now it's YOUR turn.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1075

Post by Doc Dan »

A man on his deathbed spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money.

Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, “I know most people say that you can’t bring money with you after you die, but I want you to all throw this into my grave just as they are about to bury me,” and hands them all envelopes with $50,000 in them.

After his funeral the three are discussing the money. The doctor says, “I have to confess something. I’ve really been wanting a vacation so I only threw $40,000 in.”

The priest follows, “I must also confess. We are renovating the church so I only threw in $25,000. I feel terrible.”

The lawyer lashes out at them, “You guys are terrible! Not only did I throw in the $50,000 he gave me, but I added my own $10,000.”

The doctor replies, “Why in the world would you give that greedy man your money?”

The lawyer replies, “He was a good man so I wrote him a cheque for the full amount.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1076

Post by Doc Dan »

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor.

The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?"

The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it."

The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like."

The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1077

Post by Doc Dan »

The first one spots them in a large clearing and beckons her friends over. "Look! I think I've found some deer tracks!"

The second woman snorts. "Nonsense," she exclaims, "those look like bear tracks to me."

"Well they can't be both," says the third blonde impatiently. "So what kind of tracks are they?"

And then the train hits them.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1078

Post by Bloke »

Hey Doc,

i always check this thread and never cease to amaze at your endless stream of corny entertainment. :cheap-sunglasses
A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1079

Post by Doc Dan »

Bloke wrote:
Thu Sep 15, 2022 9:11 am
Hey Doc,

i always check this thread and never cease to amaze at your endless stream of corny entertainment. :cheap-sunglasses
Who is this, again? Speaking of corny entertainment, you are the KING! Hahahahaha!

Glad to see you back.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1080

Post by Doc Dan »

As soon as the singer completed a song, the audience were screaming “Once More! Once More!”

The singer obliged and sang the song again. She couldn’t believe it when the audience screamed for her to sing it again. This was then repeated another 10 times.

Then singer overjoyed at the response from the audience thanked them and asked them why they were so interested to hear the same song again and again.

One of the people in the audience replied, “We didn’t think it could get any worse. We were wrong.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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