Family friendly jokes

[Manixguy@1994]

Beloved wife said I couldn’t make a bike out of spaghetti…

You should have seen her face when I rode pasta.

Perfect ! MG2

[Doc Dan]

I called the incontinence hotline.

They asked, "Can you hold, please?"

[Evil D]

A bossy man walks into a bar.




He orders everyone a round.

[Manixguy@1994]

A bossy man walks into a bar.




He orders everyone a round.

That is the ultimate pun ! Love it . MG2

[Michael Janich]

Dear Spydo532:

Welcome to the Spyderco Forum.

Stay safe,

Mike

[Manixguy@1994]

The best I've got is... (yes I know its corny)

So a mushroom walks into a bar and the barkeep says to the mushroom, "We don't serve your kind here!" To which the mushroom replies, "Hey c'mon man I'm a fungi!"

Welcome to the Forum ! Great pun . ! MG2

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

The grocery store near my house uses sensory stimuli to increase sales.
The produce department has a water mister for the vegetables and the smell of fresh rain.
The dairy department smells of fresh hay.
The egg section smells of eggs and bacon frying.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[Doc Dan]

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.

After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.

The hearing specialist said, “It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now.”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times.”

[Doc Dan]

Sung to the Sound of Music song A Few of My Favorite Things:

Maalox & nose drops
& needles for knitting
Walkers & handrails
and new dental fittin’s,
Bundles of magazines
tied up with string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts,
hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent,
false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts
& porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favourite things
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets,
and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food nor
food cook’d with onions,
Bathrobes & heat pads,
hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains,
and no fear of sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures
and hair that is thinnin’.
And we won’t mention
our short shrunken frames
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

THEN I REMEMBER
THE GREAT LIFE
I’VE HAD
AND THEN I DON’T FEEL
SOOOO BAAAAD !!!!

[Manixguy@1994]

I thinkI can relate to that one Doc ! MG2

[Doc Dan]

I thinkI can relate to that one Doc ! MG2

Me too!

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

That works every time!

[Manixguy@1994]

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

20 Bad Jokes

1. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

2. What does a baby computer call its father? Data.

3. What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”

4. Why are colds bad criminals? Because they’re easy to catch.

5. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

6. Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table? Sir Cumference.

7. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.

8. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!

9. What happens when you witness a ship wreck? You let it sink in.

10. How can you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

11. What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

12. What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it’ll be delighted!

13. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time!

14. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side!

15. What’s the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

16. What did the teacher do with the student’s report on cheese? She grated it.

17. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

18. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye, matey!”

19. How do you organize an astronomer’s party? You planet.

20. What’s the action like at a circus? In-tents.

[Manixguy@1994]

Doc , I will be gone next week . I going to Brazil for a under garment convention , I’m supposed to meet a boxer . Dan

[Doc Dan]

AHHHHH! Hahaha!

[Cycletroll]

Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors?







Because if it has 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan!