Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

Hahaha!

[Doc Dan]

An 85 year old couple were married almost 60 years before they both died. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and spa. As they looked in awe, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied. “This is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked: “What are the green fees?”
Peter’s reply: “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured: “That’s the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said: “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

[ThomC]

Some of these are pretty good ! I have one that I hope I translated well enough.

A couple of longtime friends pass each other in the street. The first one has a 3 feet tall insect on a leash, and the second, confused, asks him where he got it.
- 'Oh, there's a genie in the park nearby that'll grant you one wish.'
Still puzzled by his friend's pet, the second man figures he'll see it for himself.
Sure enough, a blue ethereal figures waits under an oak, and beckons him closer.
-'I am the genie. I can grant one wish, and one wish only, so choose wisely.'
The man thinks for a minute, then says :
-'I want all of the wealth in the world.'
The genie replies :
-'Then I shall grant you your wish. Go home, and you shall find it there.'
The man makes his way home, and finds his house and garden packed with people, all wondering how they got there.
After speaking to a few of them, he realizes they're all Welsh.
Angry and confused, he goes for another walk looking for his friend and hails him on the street :
-'That genie you sent me to is a fraud ! I asked for wealth and he gave me the people of Wales !'
-'Yeah ? What, did you think I asked for a big tick ?'

[crazywednesday]

Ask your kids what they get when six mallards waddle into a box......

A box of quacker's.

[Doc Dan]

Hahahaha!

[Doc Dan]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife attended a therapy session. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on she mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said: “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”


“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.”

[z4vdBt]

lol

[z4vdBt]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. Hello? she cried, but no answer. Is there anyone here? she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around, and she yelled at the top of her voice, HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE? Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away... We're down here.

[Doc Dan]

Haha! That describes my youth alright.

[Doc Dan]

Tom, Sam and Harry were sitting in a bar enjoying a few quiet drink when they decided to get in on the Christmas raffle. Since the raffle was for charity, they bought five tickets each. When the raffle was drawn a few days later, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize which was a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Sam was the winner of the second prize which was a six month supply of gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize which was a toilet brush.
The next time they met at the bar, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. “Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”
“Me too,” replied Sam.
“And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?”
“Not so good,” Harry groaned. “I reckon I’ll go back to toilet paper.”

[Doc Dan]

A senior policeman is interrogating three men who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the first man a picture for five seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”
The first man answers: “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says: “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second man and asks him: “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”
The second man smiles, flips his hair, and says: “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds: “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third man and in a very testy voice asks: “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him? Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The third man looks at the picture intently for a moment and says: “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer,” he replies. “Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s true! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the third man replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

[SkullBouncer]

Hahaha Nice! :p :p

[Doc Dan]

A man is on a golf course and stands over his tee shot for what seems like an eternity. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures out the wind direction and speed.
Fed up, his cranky golf partner finally says, “Oi! What’s taking so long? Hit the bloody ball!”

Pausing for a moment, the man looks up and gives his partner an explanation. “My wife is up there and watching me from the clubhouse,” he says. “I want to make this a perfect shot.”
The partner rolls his eyes and sighs.
“That’s not going to happen,” he says. “You’ll never hit your wife from here.”

[JonLeBlanc]

How do people stranded on a beach not starve?

By eating the sandwich is there!

Ahhhh it slays me lol

[The Meat man]

How do people stranded on a beach not starve?

By eating the sandwich is there!

Ahhhh it slays me lol

Ha ha! :D :D

[Doc Dan]

I combined a laxative with alphabet soup. I call it ‘Letter Rip.’

[Doc Dan]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of whiskey.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know four things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl with a club, I’m a 6-foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate and the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it four times…’

[Doc Dan]

A man sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the mutt replies:
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says: “Ten dollars.”
The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”
The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

[legOFwhat?]

Doc, those last 2 had me rolling.

When the mood is right and there are no sharp objects around I'll explain the blonde joke to my wife. :D

[Doc Dan]

Doc, those last 2 had me rolling.

When the mood is right and there are no sharp objects around I'll explain the blonde joke to my wife. :D

Hahaha! Be very careful and make sure you have a quick exit strategy.