Family friendly jokes

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z4vdBt
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#721

Post by z4vdBt »

lol

- - -

Road paving crew working hard one night in the rain. The steamroller driver unfortunately hits a worker. The crew calls the injured man's home - no one in. The crew goes to the injured man's home and don't know what to do. The crew slides him under the door.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#722

Post by Doc Dan »

How do you drive a blonde crazy?

Give her a bag of M&M's and ask her to put them in alphabetical order.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#723

Post by Doc Dan »

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?



I'll tell you tomorrow.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#724

Post by z4vdBt »

My next door neighbor lost his dog so he put an ad in the local paper. It said - Here boy.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#725

Post by z4vdBt »

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#726

Post by Doc Dan »

Hahahaha!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#727

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I saw a pen in a store the other day.
I picked it up and took a look at it because it was prettier than most.

The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".

I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".

The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"

I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#728

Post by Doc Dan »

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.

One idiot said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other.

"I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.

"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, intelligence'?" asked the idiot.

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you.

I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the idiot ditch digger hit the tree with his fist.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole.
The other idiot asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The first idiot put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#729

Post by Doc Dan »

A man had been stranded on a deserted island for two years when he experienced severe shaking of the ground and noticed a great tidal wave bearing down upon him.

“Oh Lord, please help me,” he prayed.

Suddenly, a boat appeared and a man aboard shouted to him urgently, “Quick, get on board before the tidal wave comes!”

“No, no. I have faith in the good Lord,” said the castaway.

A few moments passed and another boat appeared. “Quick, man, don’t be silly, get on board, there’s not much time left.”

“No, thank you. I have faith in the good Lord.”

With only seconds to go, another boat appeared and a voice called out in panic, “If you don’t get over here right this minute, it’ll be too late!”

“No, thank you. I have faith in the good Lord.”

The next moment, the tidal wave hit the island, smashing everything to pieces. The poor castaway drowned.

Later in heaven, the man met God and said reproachfully, “I had faith in you. I can’t believe you let this happen!”

“What do you mean you can’t believe it?” cried God. “I sent three boats, didn’t I?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#730

Post by Doc Dan »

Last year I replaced all of the windows in my house with those expensive double-paned energy efficient kind.

Last week I got a call from a guy at Home Depot who had installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid him.

I might be a bit slow but I am not stupid. I told him just what his fast talking salesman told me last year...that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hello...I told him it had been a year already and the windows had paid for themselves.

There was silence on the line so I finally hung up. He hasn't called back. I'll bet he knows who is stupid now!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#731

Post by z4vdBt »

lol
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#732

Post by z4vdBt »

Frederick had finally found a soulmate and was very excited about his upcoming wedding day. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand and said - Congratulations Fred, I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as he happiest day of your life.

But sir, I'm not getting married until tomorrow.

Yeah, I know, that's what I mean.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#733

Post by Doc Dan »

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start.
A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.
"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot.
"I think I am planting them too deep."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#734

Post by z4vdBt »

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, an iv in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now listening to my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#735

Post by Doc Dan »

z4vdBt wrote:
Fri May 21, 2021 11:07 pm
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, an iv in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now listening to my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
Hahahahaha! Good one!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#736

Post by Doc Dan »

Kenneth was having a drink in a saloon when his neighbor, Stakely, came rushing in.

"Ah think somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said breathlessly.

Kennath ran outside, but came back right away.

"Well, did yew stop him?" asked Stakely.

"Naw! He was too fast.
But Ah got his license plate before he got away!"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#737

Post by Doc Dan »

Wyatt, Milford and Calhoun were standing one on top of the other trying to measure a flag pole.

A man passing by yelled up to them, "Why don't you guys just take down the pole, lay it down on the ground and measure it?"

"We don't wanna measure the length, mister!" Wyatt sneered. "We wanna measure the height!"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#738

Post by z4vdBt »

Before crow bars were invented, crows mostly drank alone.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#739

Post by z4vdBt »

Got stung by a bee today. £45 for a jar of honey!
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#740

Post by z4vdBt »

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says - Why the long face?

I've just realized I'm a metaphysical construct within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence.
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