Family friendly jokes

[The Meat man]

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

[z4vdBt]

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed thank you. Obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

[Doc Dan]

An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take Your Child to Work Day’.

As they walked around the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

[z4vdBt]

[James Y]

Two wind turbines were talking.
One asked, “Do you like country music?”
The other one answered, “No, I’m a big heavy metal fan.”

Jim

[bearrowland]

:D

[Doc Dan]

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker.

“I win!” said Johnson.

Henderson threw down his cards. “That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!”

“How can you tell?” Phillips asked.

“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

[Doc Dan]

“Siri, why am I still single?!” Siri activates front camera.

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’ one of my good friends would still be alive.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

[Doc Dan]

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one kid rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student. “But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

[z4vdBt]

:D

[Doc Dan]

BREAKING NEWS: 15 mentally challenged chimpanzees have escaped from the National Zoo in Washington D.C.

So far authorities have recaptures sixty thousand of them.

[Doc Dan]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned with helping the other monks copy the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says: “You make a good point, my son”.

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies: “The word is celebrate!”

[z4vdBt]

Two guys are driving a truck and they come to an overpass with a sign that says Low Clearance 12' 6". The driver stops, looks at the passenger and says - This truck needs 13 feet of clearance.

The passenger gets out, walks over to the overpass, carefully inspects it, walks under, looks around, then comes back and carefully looks at the truck from the front. He gets back in and says - It's OK, go ahead. There's no cops.

[Pokey]

This may be a repeat:

So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

[Doc Dan]

This may be a repeat:

So in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to the question, "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

In a mirror.

[Doc Dan]

A soldier was stationed abroad and received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his girlfriend back home. It read: “Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim”.

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave”.

[z4vdBt]

:)

[z4vdBt]

Late one night a moth goes into a podiatrist's office and says - Doc, ya gotta help me. I have these voices in my head and they're telling me everybody hates me and I just can't figure out who the real me is and I need help sorting it all out.

I'm a podiatrist - this is a foot clinic - I fix feet - and you, my friend, need a psychiatrist. Didn't you see the sign on the front door?

Yeah, sure, I saw the sign and I know I need a psychiatrist.

Well, if you saw the sign and you knew you needed a psychiatrist, why did you come in?

Because the light was on.

[Doc Dan]

Hahaha!

[Doc Dan]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?