Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

I'm reading a couple of interesting books: Taming Wildcats by Claude Face and Over the Niagara in a Barrel by Will E. Makit.

[z4vdBt]

^ :D

[Doc Dan]

I was at the bookstore and saw these titles in the suggested reading section:

Monster-making as a Hobby by Frank N. Stine

My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I.M. Nutty

Embarrassing Moments by Lucy Lastic

The History of the Chocolate Bar by Ken I. Havesum

Ropin' and Ranchin' by Larry Yett

[z4vdBt]

A man stranded on a desert island sees a boat wash up on the shore with a woman inside. The woman asks the man - How long have you been here?

A long time.

How long has it been since you had a cigar?

A long time.

She reaches down and gives him a box of Cuba's finest. How long has it been since you had a beer?

A long time.

She reaches down and gives him a bottle of ice cold beer. She looks at him coyly and asks - How long has it been since you played around?

You've got golf clubs on that boat?

[Nick D. Fingerz]

Did you hear about the boxer who was also an aviator?

They called him Punches Pilot.

[Doc Dan]

Two cannibals were having their dinner.
One said to the other, 'I don't like your friend.'
The other one replied, 'Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.'

[Doc Dan]

The following is sage advice from kids:

“Never trust a dog to watch your food.” — Patrick, aged 10.

“Never tell your mum her diet’s not working.” — Michael, aged 14.

“Stay away from prunes.” — Randy, aged nine.

“Don’t pull your dad’s finger when he asks you to.” — Emily, aged five.

“When your mum is angry at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.” — Taylia, aged 11.

“Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.” — Andrew, aged eight.

“You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.” — Armir, aged nine.

“Don’t wear polka-dotted underwear under white shorts.” — Kellie, aged 11.

“Felt pens are not good to use as lipstick.” — Lauren, aged nine.

“Never try to baptise a cat.” — Eileen, aged eight.

[Doc Dan]

A man went to his doctor for a follow-up appointment.

“Look, I’ve got some bad news and some very bad news,” the doctor says.

“Well, might as well give me the bad news first,” says the patient.

“The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”

“Twenty-four hours!” cries the man. “That’s terrible! What could be worse news than that? What’s the very bad news?”

“Well,” says the doctor. “Your mobile has been switched off and I’ve been trying since yesterday to reach you.”

[Doc Dan]

Adam and Eve said: “Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said: “I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said: “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said: “I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said: “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said: “I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat really couldn’t care less either way.

[SkullBouncer]

HAHAHAHA NICE!!!

Excellent joke -- and the Cat absolutely took the prize . :p

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:spyder: :spyder: Stay Sharp --
-- SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:

[z4vdBt]

My parents took me everywhere. But I always found my way back home.

[Doc Dan]

Steve and Sarah accidentally run over a rabbit with their car.

The rabbit is badly hurt, but Sarah quickly takes out a can and sprays it.

Suddenly, the rabbit gets up and gives them a wave. They watch as it hops off, still waving its paws.

Steve looks at the spray can. It says, “Hairspray restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave.”

[Doc Dan]

A Green Bay Packers fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front.
He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, "That's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead."
The fan replied, "I am terribly sorry for your loss. Perhaps you could have given this ticket to a relative?"
"Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."

[Doc Dan]

A guy was at a bar and needed to fart. He decided the music was so loud that he just went for it and timed his farts to the beat of the music. After he relieved himself he looked up to see everyone staring angrily at him. Then, he realized that he was listening to his iPod.

[Doc Dan]

A blonde secretary sat at her desk with her airpods in. Her boss called to her repeatedly and she did not respond.

Angry, the boss rips the airpods out of her ears and she falls over dead.

Amazed that this could happen, he put the airpods in his own ears and heard:

"Breathe in...Breathe out...Breathe in..."

[z4vdBt]

Two bees met on the street one day. One said to the other - The weather has been cold wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey.

No problem - said the first bee. Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.

Thanks for the tip.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked - How did it go?

Great. It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and such huge floral arrangements on every table.

What's that thing on your head?

That's my yarmulke I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.

[z4vdBt]

[Doc Dan]

I once had a goldfish that could breakdance on a carpet.
But only for, like, 20 seconds…

———-

Grandpa died. To break the news gently to her five-year-old daughter, the mother said, “Honey, Grandpa has passed away and has gone to a happier place. It’s just like what happened to your goldfish.”

The granddaughter looked a bit sad and then replied, “Does that mean we’re going to flush him down the toilet too?”

[Doc Dan]

A young boy goes camping in the woods for the first time with his dad.

After they set up camp he asks his dad where he can go to the toilet.

“That’s the beauty of camping in the woods,” the father replies, “You can go to the toilet wherever you want.”

After five minutes or so, the young lad wanders back to the campfire.

“So, where did you go to the toilet then, son?” The father asks.

“In your tent,” the boy replies.

[Doc Dan]

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong.

The explorer looked at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest and roared mightily.

As the explorer ran for his life, King Kong set off in hot pursuit. Instinctively the explorer headed for the heart of the jungle, hoping that he might be able to hide from his manic pursuer, but wherever he tried to conceal himself, King Kong always managed to find him.

As night began to fall, the explorer prayed that he would be able to lose the gorilla in the darkness but, no matter how fast he ran, the sound of King Kong’s pounding footsteps were always just behind him.

For three long days and nights, the explorer ran through the island, with King Kong always close behind, occasionally letting out a menacing roar from his vast throat. Eventually the explorer reached the coast. There were no ships in sight for an easy escape, so he realised the only option was to dive into the sea and hope that King Kong couldn’t swim. But, to his horror, the gorilla jumped in straight after him and demonstrated an excellent front crawl.

On and on they swam across the ocean, rarely separated by more than a few waves. Weeks later the weary explorer arrived in Brazil. He scrambled ashore with as much energy as he could muster, only to see the mighty King Kong right behind him, still beating his chest ferociously and with steam billowing from his nostrils. Through the streets of Rio they stumbled, explorer and ape equally exhausted, until the explorer took a wrong turn and ended up down a dead end, his escape barred by a huge wall.

With nowhere left to run, he sank to his knees in despair and pleaded to King Kong: “Do whatever you want with me. Kill me, eat me, do what you like, but make it quick. I can’t run anymore!”

King Kong slowly stalked over to the cowering explorer, extended his giant paw, then gently touched the man and roared, “Tag! You’re it!”