Family friendly jokes

[z4vdBt]

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

[Doc Dan]

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

Hahaha! That was so corny it needs a reply!

Why are there fences around graveyards?

Because people are dying to get in there.

[Doc Dan]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, “Okay Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door.

Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“The US President,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.” And off they go.

At the White House, the President spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope!” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd, headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'”

[Doc Dan]

I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[z4vdBt]

Who is that on the balcony with Dave?

...parked around the corner.

[The Meat man]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day...
Who is that on the balcony with Dave?

Ha ha ha! :D :D That's a good one! :D

[VashHash]

I gotta say that Dave joke was hilarious. :D

[z4vdBt]

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I'd hidden. We'll never play Scrabble again.

[Doc Dan]

A man went to the doctor recently

The doctor said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

The man said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

The doctor corrected, “No. Fatty don’t eat anything.”

[z4vdBt]

Mom, what's a metaphor?

My life is a train wreck.

I know Mom; but what's a metaphor?

[z4vdBt]

My boss said to me - You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year? I said - I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.

[Doc Dan]

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Susie noticed his degree certificate on the wall, which included his full name.

Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome boy from her high school class over 40 years ago who had exactly the same name. Naturally, she wondered whether it could be the same man.

However, upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. She thought to herself, surely the ageing, balding, grey-haired man with a deeply lined face couldn’t possibly be one of her old high school mates.

After he had finished examining her teeth, Susie decided to ask him whether he attended the local high school, to which he replied yes.

“That’s amazing, what year did you graduate then?” she asked.

“In 1973,” he replied.

“Amazing, you were in my class!” Susie exclaimed.

He looked at her closely and then asked: “What subject did you teach?”

[Doc Dan]

Barry was busting to go to the toilet so he went to a public bathroom. He had barely sat down in the cubicle when he heard a voice say, “Hi, how are you?”

Feeling a little embarrassed Barry said politely: “Well, I guess I’m doing fine thank you.”

The voice then responded: “So, what are you up to?”

Barry started to become even more embarrassed, but once again he responded politely and said: “Well, just like you I’m sitting here trying to get a load off my mind.”

He then heard the voice say: “Hey can I come over?”

By this stage Barry was feeling extremely embarrassed and started to get slightly irritated too, so he snapped back: “Look, surely you understand I’m a bit busy right now!”

At this point he heard the voice say: “Jane listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the next cubicle who keeps responding to all my questions!”

[bearrowland]

Don't use the word "egg" for your password. It cracks easily.

[bearrowland]

Why do people like shopping for flashlights? Because it's the highlight of their day!

[z4vdBt]

I was going to make a joke about bibliographies, but you wouldn't get the reference.

[Doc Dan]

John was driving down the highway when he ran out of petrol.

He sat there in the driver’s seat wondering what to do next, when a bee flew through his window.

“What seems to be your problem?” the bee asked.

“I’ve run out of petrol,” John replied.

“That’s unfortunate,” the bee said. “However, if you wait here I can help you.”

The bee then flew off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of bees. They all flew into his petrol tank, leaving John wondering exactly what was going on.

After a few minutes the swam flew off and the bee said to John: “Try it now”.

John turned his ignition key and the car fired into action immediately.

“Wow,” John exclaimed. “What did you put in the petrol tank?”

The bee smiled and said: “BP of course.”

[Doc Dan]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in any of the paintings he currently had on display.

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you,” the owner replied.

“What’s the good news?” the artist asked.

“Well, a gentleman inquired about your work and he asked me whether the paintings would appreciate in value after your death,” the owner explained. “And when I told him they would, he bought all 30 of your paintings.”

“Wow, that’s fantastic news!” the artist said. “So, what’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman said he was your doctor,” the owner replied.

[SkullBouncer]

Bill and his lovely wife Stephanie are getting their work day going one morning, both in the upstairs bathroom.
Bill says he's going to jump in the shower; Stephanie has just finished hers.

She grabs a long bath towel, wraps it around her, and is preparing her make-up, when the door bell rings.
Bill calls out to his wife to go down and see who it is.

Stephanie walks downstairs to the front door, slowly opening it to see Frank, their next door neighbor standing there.
When she opens the door further, Frank says a pleasant greeting, but starts checking Stephanie out, head to toe.

Smiling at Stephanie, Frank says "Hey, Ill give you two hundred dollars cash right now if you open your towel and let me look you over a bit."

Stephanie, thinking it over for a moment, and in not seeing much harm in this plus gaining an easy two bills, says "Okay, sure", drops the towel and strikes a pose in the doorway.

Frank looks her over thoroughly, and after a moment or two, thanks her, hands her two hundred dollars in cash, smiles, says goodbye and walks back to his house next door.

Stephanie closes the door, wraps the towel back around her body again, and goes back upstairs to the bathroom as Bill is getting out of the shower.

"Who was that at the door, honey?" he asks. She says "Oh, it was just Frank from next door."
"Good," he replies. Stephanie sheepishly smiles back at Bill.

"Did he pay back that two hundred bucks he borrowed from me last week?"

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:spyder: :spyder: Stay Sharp --
--SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:

[z4vdBt]

lol