Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

A minister announced to his congregation that the next Sunday he would preach on the sin of lying. He asked everyone to read St. Mark chapter 17.

When the next Sunday arrived, he asked “Everyone who read Mark 17 please raise your hand.”

Nearly everyone raised their hands. So he said, “Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now preach on the sin of lying.”

[Bloke]

What do you call a Punjabi in a Karaoke Bar?


Gitupen Singh. :D

[z4vdBt]

My pencil breaks every time I sharpen it. It's pointless.

[Doc Dan]

The pastor had to have dentures.

The first Sunday he could only preach eight minutes. His mouth hurt too bad. Second Sunday he preached about 15 minutes before he had to stop due to the pain. The third Sunday he preached nearly 3 hours. The congregation had to tackle him to get him to shut up . As he lay there being held by some of his members he apologized and said “I’m sorry but today I accidentally got my wife’s dentures and put them in and I’ve not been able to shut up Since.”

[legOFwhat?]

The pastor had to have dentures.

The first Sunday he could only preach eight minutes. His mouth hurt too bad. Second Sunday he preached about 15 minutes before he had to stop due to the pain. The third Sunday he preached nearly 3 hours. The congregation had to tackle him to get him to shut up . As he lay there being held by some of his members he apologized and said “I’m sorry but today I accidentally got my wife’s dentures and put them in and I’ve not been able to shut up Since.”

:D that had me rolling

[Doc Dan]

The pastor had to have dentures.

The first Sunday he could only preach eight minutes. His mouth hurt too bad. Second Sunday he preached about 15 minutes before he had to stop due to the pain. The third Sunday he preached nearly 3 hours. The congregation had to tackle him to get him to shut up . As he lay there being held by some of his members he apologized and said “I’m sorry but today I accidentally got my wife’s dentures and put them in and I’ve not been able to shut up Since.”

:D that had me rolling

Your turn

[legOFwhat?]

These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."

So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.

St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.

St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps.

Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.

Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.

The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[PStone]

The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Hahahaha!! Literally laughed out loud at this. Very good one!

[Bloke]

An Australian holidaying in the Scottish Highlands stopped at a little cafe for a meal and was served by a pretty local lass. He ate his meal and when the young lass came back to clear the table she asked where he was from and they struck up a polite conversation.

The local lass spoke with a strong Scottish brogue and the Aussie was having a little trouble understand her and politely mentioned with a chuckle, “You certainly roll your ‘R’s”. The young lass blushed and gave him a coy smile “ Ooh, it’s the high heels.” she replied. :rolleyes:

[PStone]

One day a man has an accident and dies. He wasn’t a good man. So down to **** he went. Upon arriving, he was greeted by Satan himself.
Satan told him, “Welcome to ****! I’m glad you’re here! And to show you how reasonable I can be, I’m going to let you choose your eternity!” And then led the man to 3 doors.
“Behind each of these doors is a different way you can spend eternity, and the choice is all yours” said Satan.
The man asks, “Can I see all 3 before I decide?”
“Sure can!” Satan replied.
Satan opens door one, and inside are people standing waist deep in manure, each with a full cup of coffee, chatting away with each other. The smell was absolutely atrocious.
“Ok. Show me door 2 please” says the man.
Behind door 2, there are a bunch of people standing on their heads on a dirty, splinter laden wooden floor. They’re all bleeding from the splinters in their scalps.
“Yikes! Let me see door 3!” the man exclaimed.
Well, behind door 3 there are a ton of people all on their heads, but the floor isn’t a floor. It’s sharp jagged rocks and stones, crawling with insects. Blood and bugs all over the place.
Without another thought the man tells Satan, “I choose door 1! I can take the smell.”
“Okie dokie” says Satan. “Here’s your coffee.”
“Thank you! You’re not so bad after all.” And then went inside, started introducing himself around, and sipping his coffee. After about 15 minutes, Satan pops his head in and says...


“Ok people, coffee break is over. BACK ON YOUR HEADS!!”

[Doc Dan]

Hahaha!

[PStone]

I may have posted this one before...

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

► Show Spoiler

I don’t know, and I don’t care :D

[PStone]

A man is taking a stroll through the woods when he sees a leprechaun. The man decides to try and catch the little guy, and see if the legend of the single wish granted is true. He waits and stalks his prey. He is very patient, and strikes at the perfect moment.
“Gotcha! You owe me a wish!” he proclaims
“Ok ok. You got me. You get a single wish granted.” states the leprechaun.
“Well I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I am terrified to fly, and am deathly afraid of water. The only way would be to drive. Can you grant me an interstate highway so that I can just drive there?”
But the leprechaun replies “Sir, I’m afraid that is a wish I cannot grant. I may be magical, but that is just too big of an endeavor for me to undertake. There isn’t enough magic in the universe to make that happen. You will have to make another wish.”
The man thinks for a second. “Well, if I can’t have that, could you make it so my wife doesn’t nag me about every little thing that I do?”
Then the leprechaun thinks for a minute, and answers the man...
“I’ve thought about it sir. Would you like two lanes or four?”

[Doc Dan]

The blonde came out of the store and realized she had locked her keys in her car. She quickly called the locksmith and said, “hurry up and get here. I’ve locked my keys in my car, it’s starting to rain, and the top is down.”

[rbb2]

I had a friend that decided to raise crows.

He was arrested for attempted murder.

[rbb2]

https://youtu.be/__DApLNFJlw

[nicked.onaut]

Haha some good ones. Doc Dan, good "lying" gotcha.
Rbb2, dry as a Stephen Wright joke. heh

[Doc Dan]

https://youtu.be/__DApLNFJlw

That’s funny.

[Doc Dan]

What do you call the fleshy material between a shark’ teeth?


Slow swimmers.

[Doc Dan]

Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “Oh my God! is that a real gun?”