Family friendly jokes

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1181

Post by Doc Dan »

I just read that it's the law that you have to turn on your headlights when it is raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

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Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1182

Post by legOFwhat? »

Image
-Larry
Hebrews 13:6 So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1183

Post by Doc Dan »

Artie is going through his recently deceased father’s stuff. He finds a 20-year-old shoe repair claim ticket from the local shoe repair.

Knowing that the old man had been running his shop for more than 30 years, Artie decides on a whim to see if he can claim his father’s shoes.

Artie shows the old man the ticket and the old man says, “I always have had the policy to not throw away unclaimed shoes as long as I had the space. I should be able to find these.”

Artie was both amazed and thrilled as the old man searched for the shoes.

Ten minutes later, he appeared with just the claim ticket in his hand and asked, “Brown loafers with a broken heel?”

Artie, slightly puzzled, said, “I guess?”

The old man said, “They’ll be ready next Tuesday.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1184

Post by Doc Dan »

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of freshly mown hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The in-house bakery features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread and pastries.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1185

Post by Doc Dan »

An employee asks his boss to be transferred to a new department.

“Why, what’s wrong with the fan department you’re in now?” says the boss.

“Are you kidding me? This department blows!”

The boss sighs, “Well, there is an opening in the vacuum cleaner department…”

“**** no!” the employee screams. “That department sucks!”

The boss chastises the employee for his language. “Well, Janice in accounting says the paper shredder is broken. Until the new one comes in, you could rip the papers for them.”

“That sounds terrible!” the employee complains.

With a loud sigh, the boss is left speechless. He finally comes up with one last idea:

“Tell you what. Are you any good in the kitchen? I’m a big fan of German sausages. If you make me the best I’ve ever had, I’ll pay you double what you make now.

“That’s it, I’m done with you!” The employee gets up out of his chair, and makes his way towards the exit.

“But why? That’s the easiest job in this entire building!”

“Because,” the employee exclaims, “That job is the wurst of them all!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1186

Post by Doc Dan »

Hydration tip:

Drinking one gallon of water per day helps you to avoid other people's drama.
That's because you are too busy peeing. Stay hydrated.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1187

Post by Doc Dan »

My wife was telling me that she had recently joined an aerobics class at the local fitness centre.

“How did it go?” I asked.

She said, “Well, I bent, I twisted, I turned, I jumped up and down, and I perspired for half an hour, but by the time I’d finally got my leotard on, the class had ended”.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1188

Post by Doc Dan »

A 72 year old man loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride'”.

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah. At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1189

Post by legOFwhat? »

:rofl
-Larry
Hebrews 13:6 So we may boldly say: “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?”
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1190

Post by Doc Dan »

Most criminals are not masterminds like depicted on TV. Here are some examples.

A married couple, a man and woman, who I know, broke into a pharmacy through the roof. That set off the alarm. The man climbed back through the hole in the roof and took of running, leaving his wife behind who was too short to reach the hole. That marriage didn't last.

A man in Kent decided to break into an apartment and got stuck hanging upside down. There was nothing left to do but admit his crime when the cops came and found him still hanging upside down.

Obviously the idea to rob a bank crossed this Illinois resident’s mind, but he failed to logically think it through. The 40-year-old man walked into the bank, handed the cashier a threatening note that read: “Be Quick Be Quit [quiet]. Give your cash or I’ll shoot.” The bank teller obliged and handed him $400, but the thief had overlooked the fact that his message was scribbled on a piece of his pay slip. Detectives found the other half of the pay slip outside the bank – complete with the bank robber’s name and home address!

Another genius robbed a bank and the quick thinking teller told him that she needed to see his driver's license. When he asked why, she told him that any withdrawals must have an I.D. He gave it to her and the cops had no problem finding him.

One thief got more than he bargained for when he reached into the window of a parked car and snatched a tote. The bag belonged to professional snake catcher Brad McDonald; inside was a highly venomous snake McDonald had just captured from an underground car park in Sydney!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1191

Post by riclaw »

What do you call a snowman that plays the piano and sings?

Melton John
- Richard
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1192

Post by Bloke »

A bloke goes to his fridge for a beer and finds a rabbit sitting in it. Perplexed, he asks the rabbits what it’s doing in his fridge.

The rabbits says, it’s westing.

“Westing”? Asks the bloke more confused than ever. “Yes, westing”, confirms the rabbit, “This is a Westinghouse, isn’t”?
A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1193

Post by Doc Dan »

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”. “Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting”. “No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”. “No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”. “Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

15 minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed”.

Sue doesn’t use her mobile phone in public any longer.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1194

Post by Doc Dan »

As we get older, we change but so does our checklist about what we’re looking for in a man. Our expectations clearly change.

What a Woman Wants in a Man at age 20

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. Romantic

What a Woman Wants in a Man at age 30
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Still romantic at times

What a Woman Wants in a Man at age 60
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1195

Post by Doc Dan »

A woman sent a text to her husband:

Wife: Don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work. Also, your girlfriend Valerie says "Hello".
Husband: Who is Valerie?
Wife: Nobody. I just wanted you to answer so I would know you saw my text.
Husband: But, I'm with Valerie now. I thought you saw me.
Wife: What!!!? Where are you?
Husband: I'm near the bakery.
Wife: Wait! I'm coming right now!

After 10 minutes go by:

Wife: I'm at the bakery. Where are you?
Husband: I'm still at the office working. Since you are at the bakery, please buy some bread.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1196

Post by Doc Dan »

A man walked into a magic forest and tried to cut down a talking tree

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree complained. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responded, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1197

Post by Doc Dan »

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “Five lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the ‘Stop’ bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door. *Whap!*

He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy, “What the **** are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my butt … It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1198

Post by Doc Dan »

Image
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1199

Post by Doc Dan »

A woman called the local newspaper and asked, “How much do funeral notices cost?”

“It’s $5 per word, Ma’am,” the man on the other end of the phone said.

“Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“OK, write this: ‘Cohen died’.”

“I’m sorry, Ma’am, I forgot to tell you there’s a five-word minimum.”

“Oh,” she answered, “You certainly did forget to tell me that…” A moment of silence. “Got your pencil and paper?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“OK, print this: ‘Cohen died, Cadillac for sale’.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1200

Post by Doc Dan »

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, ‘Is my time up?’
God answered, ‘No, you have another 40 years, 6 months and eight days to live.’

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live she thought she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation she was released from hospital. While crossing the street on her way home she was struck by a car and died immediately. Arriving in front of God she demanded, ‘I thought you said I had over another 40 years to live’. Why didn’t you pull me out from under the path of the car?’

God replied, ‘I didn’t recognize you!’
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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