Family friendly jokes

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#941

Post by paladin »

Manixguy@1994 wrote:
Tue Feb 22, 2022 9:53 am
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Thanks, I just dropped my monitor...I'll send ya the bill
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#942

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

paladin wrote:
Fri Feb 25, 2022 10:44 pm
Manixguy@1994 wrote:
Tue Feb 22, 2022 9:53 am
Image
Thanks, I just dropped my monitor...I'll send ya the bill
That’s a good one ! MG2
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Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#943

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#944

Post by Doc Dan »

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

Next to them a child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#945

Post by Doc Dan »

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#946

Post by Doc Dan »

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am.”

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It is 5:00 am. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#947

Post by Doc Dan »

I pulled out a nose hair today just to see if it would hurt.

Judging by the reaction by the man asleep next to me on the airplane, it was pretty painful!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#948

Post by Doc Dan »

In the fourteenth century, a decree came down from the Vatican that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally this caused a huge uproar among the Jewish community, so much so that the Vatican almost reconsidered. After a few days mulling it over, the Vatican added a condition: if a member of the Jewish community could beat the Pope in a theological debate, then they could stay. But if they lost, they had to leave.

Realizing that they were in a bind, the Jewish community had no choice but to accept. The leaders of the community discussed it, and turned to the tailor in their community, an old man named Chaim. With a shrug and "As long as it doesn't get in the way of my work" he agreed to do it.

The day of the debate came. Both sides met in the center of the Jewish quarter, the Pope and his cardinals on one side of the table that had been set out, Chaim and the leaders of the Jewish community on the other side. Chaim added one condition to the debate: neither side could talk. With a nod the Pope accepted. Both sides sat down, and the debate began.

Both sides sat staring at each other for a long time before the Pope held up three fingers. Chaim held up one finger. The Pope circled his finger around his head, and Chaim pointed a finger right down at the table. The Pope took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, and Chaim set an apple on the table. With an exasperated cry the Pope stood up, "The Jews can stay!" and storms back to the Vatican, his cardinals flying in his wake. Shrugging, Chaim goes back to his shop.

The cardinals, gobsmacked, begged the Pope to tell them how he lost. "That is the most learned, wise man I have ever met. I held up three fingers for the Holy Trinity, and he reminded me we had one god in common. I indicated that God was all around us, and he told me God was right here with us, too. I showed atonement with wine and wafer, and he produced an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! I couldn't win!"

Meanwhile, back in his shop, the ecstatic leaders of the Jewish community were asking Chaim how he had won the debate. With a dismissive shrug he replied, "Well, he told me the Jews had three days to clear out of Rome, and I told him not one of us was leaving. He said the city would be cleared of Jews, and I told him we were staying right here." Chaim shakes head as he started to fix a cuff.

"And then?" the leaders prompt.

"I don't know," he says with a sigh. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#949

Post by LakeOconee »

^Good one, great payoff :)
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#950

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A woman in labor called Emergency. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Katie, the woman's 3-year-old daughter, to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katie did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katie for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katie quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, smack him again!”.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#951

Post by Doc Dan »

One fine morning a husband and wife are out riding their horse and buggy into town. Along the way, the horse stumbles on a rock.

The man says, "That's one."

A short while later, the horse stumbles again. The man says, "That's two."

Just outside of town, the horse stumbles a third time. Saying nothing, the man pulls out a gun and shoots the horse dead.

The woman turns to her husband incredulously: "My God!!! How could you go and do a thing like that!!!"

The husband turns to his wife and says:

"That's one."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#952

Post by Doc Dan »

A old woman was returning to her home in the mountains from her monthly shopping in town.

Driving along the road she see an even older woman struggling to walk while carrying her own groceries home. To be nice she stops and offers her a ride home. The older woman got into the back seat and off they went.

After about 5 min or so of driving she noticed in her rear view mirror that the older woman was staring at the the brown paper bag she had put in the back seat from her shopping trip.

She said "It's a bottle of whiskey I got for my husband"

The older woman smiles and says " Good trade, huh?!"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#953

Post by Doc Dan »

A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.

His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?”

“Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.”

“Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?”

“I had to call the doctor!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#954

Post by Doc Dan »

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#955

Post by Doc Dan »

A blonde woman was lying in bed with her husband. Neither could sleep due to the neighbor's dog barking. After hours she stormed out of the house to deal with it.

When she returned the dogs were still barking so her husband asked her what she did.

She said: "I put the dogs in our back yard. We'll see how the neighbors like that!"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#956

Post by Bloke »

Doc, how you come up with or remember so many clean jokes is mind boggling. Ah, hahaha! Love it, and yeah, I do hate shaving. Ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha!
A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#957

Post by Doc Dan »

Bloke wrote:
Fri Mar 25, 2022 1:53 am
Doc, how you come up with or remember so many clean jokes is mind boggling. Ah, hahaha! Love it, and yeah, I do hate shaving. Ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha!
I steal 'em from other people. Hahahaha!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#958

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

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MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#959

Post by Doc Dan »

Man to his doctor: Doc I need help. My wife gets very angry with me and I don't know what to do.
Doctor: Here's what you do. Everytime your wife starts to get upset take a big sip of water, but don't swallow it. Just swish it around in your mouth. Don't stop, keep swishing.
Man a month later: Doc, it's amazing. I've been swishing water and my wife is so happy. I had no idea water had such power!
Doctor: There's nothing special about the water, except that it keeps your mouth shut.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#960

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

Doc Dan wrote:
Sat Mar 26, 2022 8:29 am
Man to his doctor: Doc I need help. My wife gets very angry with me and I don't know what to do.
Doctor: Here's what you do. Everytime your wife starts to get upset take a big sip of water, but don't swallow it. Just swish it around in your mouth. Don't stop, keep swishing.
Man a month later: Doc, it's amazing. I've been swishing water and my wife is so happy. I had no idea water had such power!
Doctor: There's nothing special about the water, except that it keeps your mouth shut.
Such a great lesson ! MG2
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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