Family friendly jokes

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Manixguy@1994
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1161

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1162

Post by Doc Dan »

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!”

They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Well, along comes St Peter with the most unattractive man she’s ever seen. St Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely unattractive man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.

Then one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He was tall, had long eyelashes and was quite muscular. St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The man turns to her and says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1163

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

Doc , I saw this one coming and still laughed. Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1164

Post by Doc Dan »

Q: What do you call a bad lawyer?
A: Senator.

Q: How are politicians like diapers?
A: They both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The president says to his friend, “My poll numbers are dropping. Do you think I should put more fire into my speeches?”
“Actually,” she replies, “I think you should put more of your speeches into the fire!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1165

Post by Doc Dan »

Words of wisdom:

Smell travels faster than a toilet door can be opened and closed.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1166

Post by Doc Dan »

After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.
He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the 2nd day she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later even though they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home,
INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1167

Post by Doc Dan »

A mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. In the middle of the day, the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen and her father asked her: “Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?”

“Not too late, Dad,” she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said: “Then, my precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tyre of the car.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1168

Post by Doc Dan »

Wife: (annoyed) “You care more about the dog than you do me.”
Me: (considers it) “Not true. I’d say it’s about equal.”
Wife: (agitated) “I’m serious.”
Me: (happy to explain) “It’s just that the dog never wants to talk.”
Wife: (furious) “If you want silence, I’ll give you SILENCE!”
Me: (skeptical) “And the dog never gets my hopes up.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1169

Post by Doc Dan »

Roger received a notification that he needed to update his account password. After staring at the empty password field for a few minutes, he had it!

He typed his new password: potato.

The computer responded with an error message: ‘Sorry, your password must contain at least 8 letters.’

He typed again: boiled potato.

Again, he was met with an error. ‘Sorry, your password must contain at least 1 number.’

Roger thought he was being clever and typed ‘1 boiled potato’ into the password field.

‘Sorry, password cannot contain spaces.’

Frustrated, Roger typed ’50boiledpotatoes’.

Another error message. ‘Sorry, your password must contain capital letters.’

He tried again. ’50FSTINKINGboiledpotatoes.’

It was no good either. ‘Sorry, your password must not contain capital letters that are consecutive.’

Roger thought someone must be pulling his leg. He was getting furious.

‘IwillThrow50StinkingBoiledPotatoesRightatYourScreen,IfYouDontGiveMeAccess he typed, thinking he’d outwitted the password requirements.

Another error message appeared. ‘Sorry, your password must not contain any punctuation.’

Roger, was about to lose his mind. He typed frantically, slamming his fingers into the keyboard with each keystroke.

‘NowIamSeriouslyGettingAnnoyedIwillThrow50StinkingBoiledPotatoesRightatYourScreenIfYouDontGiveMeAccess.’

The computer started to process the request. Roger started to relax his shoulders.

‘Sorry, you cannot change your password to a password you have already used with this account. Choose a new password."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1170

Post by Doc Dan »

A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator to get himself a beer.

Inside, he finds a sugar glider taking a nap.

“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.

The sugar glider opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”

“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”

“Well then,” the sugar glider says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1171

Post by Bolster »

Doc Dan wrote:
Thu Jan 19, 2023 11:17 pm
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!”...


What a hoot. Loved that one!
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1172

Post by Bolster »

Double tap.
Last edited by Bolster on Sat Feb 11, 2023 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Steel novice who self-identifies as a steel expert. Proud M.N.O.S.D. member 0003. Spydie Steels: 4V, 15V, 20CV, AEB-L, AUS6, Cru-Wear, HAP40, K294, K390, M4, Magnacut, S110V, S30V, S35VN, S45VN, SPY27, SRS13, T15, VG10, XHP, ZWear, ZDP189
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1173

Post by Doc Dan »

Four buddies caught up for coffee many years after high school. Each brags to the other how successful and wealthy they’ve become.

The first guy said, “See that casino across the street? I am going to buy it within the next six months.”

The second guy then said, “See that hotel next to the bank? I am going to buy it within the next month.”

Not wanting to lose out, the third guy quickly said, “See that shopping complex next to the hotel? I am going to buy that next week!”

They then look expectantly at the fourth guy who simply smiled and took one long sip of his coffee before muttering the words, “I’m not selling.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1174

Post by Doc Dan »

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He’d stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and given VD to his best friend’s sister. I was appalled. As the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1175

Post by SkullBouncer »

Let's try this one:

A grammar teacher is instructing her fourth grade class of English students with this challenge:

"Okay class -- I want some volunteers to raise your hands, stand when you're called upon, and give us examples of a three syllable word, then use it in a sentence" instructs the teacher.

Little Janie in the first row raises her hand, is called upon, and stands, replying with "Wonderful! -- My teacher is Wonderful."

"Very good Janie," answers the teacher; "You get a gold star!"
Janie smiles, and proudly takes her seat.

The teacher prompts the class for more answers to her challenge.

Little Bobby then raises his hand. The teacher picks Bobby, and he stands, offering his reply: "Beautiful! -- my teacher is Beautiful" says Bobby.

The teacher praises little Bobby, saying "Very good Bobby, you also get a gold star!" Bobby proudly takes his seat.

"Okay class, anyone else?" asks the teacher. "Anyone?" No one follows up with raised hands.
No one else, that is, except for dirty Johnny, in the last row, holds his arm up and waves enthusiastically.
Seeing no other takers, finally she reluctantly calls upon Johnny.

"Go ahead Johnny" says the teacher.

Johnny stands, and gives his reply, shouting out: "Urinate!" The teacher, now embarrassed, immediately admonishes him, sternly yelling: "JOHNNY!"

Johnny continues: "You're an Eight, but if your boobs were bigger, you'd be a Ten". :zany

:bug-red-white :bug-red-white Stay Sharp --
-- SB / BRUCE :cheap-sunglasses :cheap-sunglasses
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1176

Post by Doc Dan »

I have developed a fear of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1177

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

Doc Dan wrote:
Sat Feb 04, 2023 8:40 am
I have developed a fear of German sausages.

I fear the wurst.
That’s one I can bite into ! Dan
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1178

Post by standy99 »

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me??

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How in **** do you know that?

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:
WHAT THE ****!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet or TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you’d need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago
Im a vegetarian as technically cows are made of grass and water.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1179

Post by Doc Dan »

Hahahaha! That is sick (as in not good) but too true!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1180

Post by Bolster »

Definitions of Political Systems:

Socialism: You have two cows. Government forces you to give one cow to your neighbor, and pay for your neighbor’s healthcare.
Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government, and they may occasionally give you some milk, if you stand in line for it.
Fascism: You have two cows. Give all the milk to the government, and the government sells it.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you, and takes the cows.
Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both the cows, shoot the government agent, and steal another cow.
Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government mandates that one of them must be a transvestite.
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