Family friendly jokes

[The Meat man]

Two cowboys out riding come upon an Indian lying on his belly with his ear to the ground. One turns to the other and says - See that Indian, he can put his ear to the ground and hear things from miles away.

The Indian looks up and says - Covered wagon pulled by two oxen, one white, the other speckled, one man, one woman, three children and a black dog - wagon full of family supplies.

The cowboy looks at the other - That's amazing.

Yes. Ran over me about a half-hour ago.

Ha ha! :D

[Doc Dan]

A little boy’s dad picked him up from school one afternoon.

Knowing that the roles for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his son if he had achieved a part.

The little boy enthusiastically announced that he had in fact been given a role: “I play a man who’s been married for 20 years.”

“Oh wow, that’s great, son,” the dad said. “Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

[Doc Dan]

A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains.

They can’t find a place to sit except for two seats across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it’s obvious the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving one another looks.

The train heads into a tunnel and it becomes pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother thinks, “It was very brash of that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The general manager thinks, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!”

The young woman thinks, “I’m glad that guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young tech sits there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thinks to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!”

[z4vdBt]

A ship carrying red paint collided with another ship carrying blue paint. Both crews were marooned.

[Doc Dan]

A woman is desperate to get an all-over tan before her holiday is over and decides that the hotel’s rooftop offers the best tanning spot, without any areas of shade.

After wearing a swimsuit on her first day and noticing that no-one else ever came up to the rooftop, she decides to ditch her swimsuit the following day.

But, just as she’s making herself comfortable, she hears footsteps hammering up the stairs and quickly pulls a towel over her rear to protect her modesty.

“Excuse me, Miss,” the porter says as he flies through the door. “The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing up here, but could you please wear a swimsuit as you did yesterday?”

Confused, she replies, “What difference does it make? I have not seen another soul up here?”

“Yes, Miss,” the porter replies, “but, you see, you’re lying on the restaurant’s skylight!”

[z4vdBt]

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

[z4vdBt]

Due to my isolation I finished three books yesterday and believe me, that's a lot of coloring.

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm yesterday. I accidentally passed her the superglue and she hasn't spoke to me since.

[Doc Dan]

Hahaha! I hope you did not get "writer's cramp" from all of that effort.

[z4vdBt]

My mate lost an arm and a leg in a motorbike accident and I saw him yesterday. I asked - what are you doing today? He said he was gonna change a light bulb. I laughed at him and said that's gonna be really difficult. He said he was confident as he still has the receipt.

[Doc Dan]

Oh no! Hahaha!

[Doc Dan]

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left with the hope that she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed over to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family returned to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”

[Doc Dan]

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, all of them!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, with popcorn, soft drinks and chocolates. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being six again?”

One eye opened. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”

[z4vdBt]

How long was Cain mad with his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

[Doc Dan]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.

“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act,” he explains.

“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Let’s see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

[z4vdBt]

^ good one.

- - -

There were two prawns, Justin and Christian. They were best friends, and they spent their days swimming around a reef. Unfortunately, like most of the other life swimming around the reef, they were constantly being harassed by sharks.

One day, Justin was just thinking out loud, and said - I wish I were a shark. Then nobody would be trying to eat me.

Right then, an ancient codfish swam by. Everybody knew he was very learned in both knowledge and wisdom, and everybody was also pretty sure he was just a little bit senile. Being an Atlantic codfish, he spoke with a pompous Mid-Atlantic accent, just like John Houseman. He turned to Justin, and said - Your wish is granted, and POOF, Justin turned into a shark.

Christian was terrified, and fled. It wasn't long before Justin found out that being a shark wasn't all it was cracked up to be, since among other things, he'd lost all of his friends. So he went in search of the ancient codfish. It took him many days, but he finally found him, and begged him to turn him back into a prawn.

I hope you've learned your lesson. POOF. Justin was once more a prawn.

He swam back to the reef, and started looking for Christian, who was holed up (literally), and wouldn't come out of his hole in the reef, even to eat.

Christian, it's me, Justin. Come out.

I'm not coming out. You're a shark now, and you're going to eat me.

You don't understand. I've changed. I found Cod. I'm a prawn again.

[Doc Dan]

Good one!

[bearrowland]

[Doc Dan]

Five men walk into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, “A round of drinks for me and my friends.”

They get their drinks and raise their glasses for a toast, “To 51 days!” and they drink.

One of the men asks the bartender to set them up with another round.

Again the men toast, “To 51 days!” and they drink.

After they order a third round, the bartender asks what the toast means.

One of the men answers, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, ‘two to four years’ and we finished it in 51 days!”

[Doc Dan]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained: “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him: “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up and the phone was already ringing non-stop. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued: “Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins; the phone was still ringing and getting me more than a bit annoyed.

“When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. You can imagine the stench of that mixed up perfume overload!

“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

[Pokey]

Two cats walk into a bar. The first one says, "Bartender, give me a glass of H₂O." The second cat thought that sounded good and said, "Bartender, give me a glass of H₂O, too! The second cat died.

(H₂O₂= Hydrogen Peroxide.)