Family friendly jokes

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Mad Mac
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#681

Post by Mad Mac »

When I am at the dentist, like I was last Friday, I ask the girls...
uh, dental technicians if they know the three dental work songs.

1. The Searchers - Love Potion Number 9:
"I took my troubles down to Madame Rue
You know that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth"
https://youtu.be/bJ8b7iEgJog

2. ZZ Top - I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide:
"With my New York brim and my gold tooth displayed"
https://youtu.be/12BbI-kmrpI

3. And the most famous dental work song - Simon and Garfunkel:
Bridge Over Troubled Water
https://youtu.be/WrcwRt6J32o

(Insert groan.) Unfortunately, most of the girls
are not old enough to know these songs.
1990: Endura SE, Delica PE, Mariner, Police. 2014: ClipiTool Bottle Opener. 2015: Kitchen Knife PE, Tenacious CE, Stretch PE, Moran Drop Point, Kiwi, 2 Byrd Cara Caras, Schempp Bowie, Native 5 Forum Knife, Police SE, Tenacious SE, 4" Paring Knife, 2" Paring Knife, Terzuola Starmate. 2016: The Spyderco Story, Terzuola The Tactical Folding Knife, USN Ladybug H-1 Hawkbill SE, Black BaliYo, Yellow H-1 Salt Dragonfly 2 SE, Hennicke Ulize, Pink Native 5 PE, Renegade C23PS and C23P, Gayle Bradley 2, Terzuola Double Bevel, Gayle Bradley Air, Cricket Blue Nishjin, Centofante Memory, K2, 2 Large Lum Pink, Carey Rubicon. 2017: Dialex Battlestation, Orange Southard Positron, Gray Baliyo, Native 5 CE, Tenacious CE. 2018: Schempp EuroEdge, Eric Glesser ClipiTool Standard. 2019 Calendar Contest Reinhold Rhino CF PLN. 2022: Byrd Robin 2 Wharncliffe, Byrd Cara Cara 2 Rescue Orange, Janich Yojimbo 2 CruWear.
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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#682

Post by Doc Dan »

Mad Mac wrote:
Thu Apr 15, 2021 5:17 pm
When I am at the dentist, like I was last Friday, I ask the girls...
uh, dental technicians if they know the three dental work songs.

1. The Searchers - Love Potion Number 9:
"I took my troubles down to Madame Rue
You know that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth"
https://youtu.be/bJ8b7iEgJog

2. ZZ Top - I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide:
"With my New York brim and my gold tooth displayed"
https://youtu.be/12BbI-kmrpI

3. And the most famous dental work song - Simon and Garfunkel:
Bridge Over Troubled Water
https://youtu.be/WrcwRt6J32o

(Insert groan.) Unfortunately, most of the girls
are not old enough to know these songs.
https://youtu.be/YoWom0CCRKM

Steve Martin: Dentist
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#683

Post by Mad Mac »

I asked my dentist if we were going to use gas.
"Would you like gas?" she asked.

"No, I'm fine," I replied. "But you go ahead."
1990: Endura SE, Delica PE, Mariner, Police. 2014: ClipiTool Bottle Opener. 2015: Kitchen Knife PE, Tenacious CE, Stretch PE, Moran Drop Point, Kiwi, 2 Byrd Cara Caras, Schempp Bowie, Native 5 Forum Knife, Police SE, Tenacious SE, 4" Paring Knife, 2" Paring Knife, Terzuola Starmate. 2016: The Spyderco Story, Terzuola The Tactical Folding Knife, USN Ladybug H-1 Hawkbill SE, Black BaliYo, Yellow H-1 Salt Dragonfly 2 SE, Hennicke Ulize, Pink Native 5 PE, Renegade C23PS and C23P, Gayle Bradley 2, Terzuola Double Bevel, Gayle Bradley Air, Cricket Blue Nishjin, Centofante Memory, K2, 2 Large Lum Pink, Carey Rubicon. 2017: Dialex Battlestation, Orange Southard Positron, Gray Baliyo, Native 5 CE, Tenacious CE. 2018: Schempp EuroEdge, Eric Glesser ClipiTool Standard. 2019 Calendar Contest Reinhold Rhino CF PLN. 2022: Byrd Robin 2 Wharncliffe, Byrd Cara Cara 2 Rescue Orange, Janich Yojimbo 2 CruWear.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#684

Post by Doc Dan »

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song
But chick peas can only hummus one.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#685

Post by z4vdBt »

My brother got pulled over by the state troopers and the trooper asked my brother - Got any ID?

My brother replied - About what?
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#686

Post by z4vdBt »

A Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

What's the matter?

Oh, I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.

No problem - he says lifting her onto his back - I'll take you. He strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

I'd really like to thank you, but I don't even know who you are.

He just waves and walks off.

I was really worried about you - says the old lady's husband. What have you been doing?

Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#687

Post by Doc Dan »

Groan! Hahaha!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#688

Post by Doc Dan »

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor said, "Are you having any trouble urinating or do you have to get up a lot at night?"

"No. I urinate every morning at 7:00 like clockwork," the man says.

"Are you moving your bowels? Any problems there?" asks the doc.

"No. I move my bowels every morning promptly at 7:30," the man responds.

"That is quite amazing at your age. This is great!" says the doc.

"Not so great," the man says. "I don't get up until 8:00."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#689

Post by z4vdBt »

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.

Only a fraction of people will understand this.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#690

Post by Mad Mac »

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who do not.
Last edited by Mad Mac on Thu Apr 22, 2021 7:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
1990: Endura SE, Delica PE, Mariner, Police. 2014: ClipiTool Bottle Opener. 2015: Kitchen Knife PE, Tenacious CE, Stretch PE, Moran Drop Point, Kiwi, 2 Byrd Cara Caras, Schempp Bowie, Native 5 Forum Knife, Police SE, Tenacious SE, 4" Paring Knife, 2" Paring Knife, Terzuola Starmate. 2016: The Spyderco Story, Terzuola The Tactical Folding Knife, USN Ladybug H-1 Hawkbill SE, Black BaliYo, Yellow H-1 Salt Dragonfly 2 SE, Hennicke Ulize, Pink Native 5 PE, Renegade C23PS and C23P, Gayle Bradley 2, Terzuola Double Bevel, Gayle Bradley Air, Cricket Blue Nishjin, Centofante Memory, K2, 2 Large Lum Pink, Carey Rubicon. 2017: Dialex Battlestation, Orange Southard Positron, Gray Baliyo, Native 5 CE, Tenacious CE. 2018: Schempp EuroEdge, Eric Glesser ClipiTool Standard. 2019 Calendar Contest Reinhold Rhino CF PLN. 2022: Byrd Robin 2 Wharncliffe, Byrd Cara Cara 2 Rescue Orange, Janich Yojimbo 2 CruWear.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#691

Post by z4vdBt »

Went away and it rained the whole time. A mist vacation.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#692

Post by Mad Mac »

There are II kinds of people in the world, those who understand Roman Numerals and those who do not.
Last edited by Mad Mac on Thu Apr 22, 2021 7:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
1990: Endura SE, Delica PE, Mariner, Police. 2014: ClipiTool Bottle Opener. 2015: Kitchen Knife PE, Tenacious CE, Stretch PE, Moran Drop Point, Kiwi, 2 Byrd Cara Caras, Schempp Bowie, Native 5 Forum Knife, Police SE, Tenacious SE, 4" Paring Knife, 2" Paring Knife, Terzuola Starmate. 2016: The Spyderco Story, Terzuola The Tactical Folding Knife, USN Ladybug H-1 Hawkbill SE, Black BaliYo, Yellow H-1 Salt Dragonfly 2 SE, Hennicke Ulize, Pink Native 5 PE, Renegade C23PS and C23P, Gayle Bradley 2, Terzuola Double Bevel, Gayle Bradley Air, Cricket Blue Nishjin, Centofante Memory, K2, 2 Large Lum Pink, Carey Rubicon. 2017: Dialex Battlestation, Orange Southard Positron, Gray Baliyo, Native 5 CE, Tenacious CE. 2018: Schempp EuroEdge, Eric Glesser ClipiTool Standard. 2019 Calendar Contest Reinhold Rhino CF PLN. 2022: Byrd Robin 2 Wharncliffe, Byrd Cara Cara 2 Rescue Orange, Janich Yojimbo 2 CruWear.
Motorcycle adventures in a past life.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#693

Post by z4vdBt »

Mad Mac wrote:
Wed Apr 21, 2021 3:03 pm
There are II kinds of people in the world, those that understand Roman Numerals and those that do not.

IV get it lol.

- - -

My new book on Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#694

Post by z4vdBt »

I got fired from my job because I kept asking customers whether they preferred smoking or non-smoking. Apparently the correct terms I should have used were cremation or burial.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#695

Post by z4vdBt »

I ordered a cup of coffee without cream.

We are out of cream sir.

Ok, I’ll have it without milk.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#696

Post by paladin »

A man's dog got hit by a car and died. :(

He takes it to the vet anyways just to be absolutely sure there's not even a miniscule pulse left in his best friend and asks the Veterinarian if there's anything that can be done.

Vet says, "Sure, I've got a diagnostic I can run." He walks over to a small cage, opens it up, and a orange cat slinks out.

The cat goes over to the dog and walks carefully around him a few times, sniffs him, and then heads back to his cage.

Vet then says, "Sorry sir, it's official...your dog is 100% deceased. Zero chance of resuscitation."

Man says, "Well, thanks for checking Doc I really appreciate your effort...what do I owe ya?"

Vet replies "The bill amounts to $850."

Man says, "EIGHT HUNDRED and FIFTY DOLLARS, just to tell me my dog is dead!!??!"

Vet says, "Yep...it's $50 for the office visit and $800 for the catscan." *insert rimshot here* :D
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#697

Post by z4vdBt »

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student says G. The teacher asks - Why is that, Angus?
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#698

Post by ThomC »

z4vdBt wrote:
Sun Apr 25, 2021 1:10 am
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student says G. The teacher asks - Why is that, Angus?
I absolutely don't get it :confused:
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#699

Post by paladin »

ThomC wrote:
Sun Apr 25, 2021 1:57 am
z4vdBt wrote:
Sun Apr 25, 2021 1:10 am
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student says G. The teacher asks - Why is that, Angus?
I absolutely don't get it :confused:

Perhaps it's a language barrier, so I'll explain.

Remove the "g" from his name, put the remaining letters together, and the new word this is formed is..... well .... google it.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#700

Post by ThomC »

paladin wrote:
Sun Apr 25, 2021 7:39 am
ThomC wrote:
Sun Apr 25, 2021 1:57 am
z4vdBt wrote:
Sun Apr 25, 2021 1:10 am
A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student says G. The teacher asks - Why is that, Angus?
I absolutely don't get it :confused:

Perhaps it's a language barrier, so I'll explain.

Remove the "g" from his name, put the remaining letters together, and the new word this is formed is..... well .... google it.
Ohhhh right, thanks :D I was looking for a wordplay or something syllable-based
Your previous joke was pretty good too, although painfully relevant for me as my cat parachuted down 6 floors yesterday evening... He's going to be fine however !
European amateur knife enthusiast
Hikes and outdoors galore
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In the knoife box : M4 Millie, Spyderco Perrin Street Bowie, TOPS Tanimboca
In the future : CE/SE/Rex45/MagnaCut Millie, K2, Slysz Bowie, linerlock Sage
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