Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell their gender?”

He responded, “Well, three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”

[Doc Dan]

Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London. She is in an elevator in Harrod’s, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

“My, what nice aromas!” Moira says.

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down then says arrogantly, “Romance VIP by Ralph Loren, £150 an ounce!”

The other young and beautiful woman also very arrogantly turns to Moira and says, “Channel No. 5 Exclusive, £200 an ounce!”

Moira is feeling a bit insulted from these uncalled for remarks made to her.

The elevator gets to the third floor and Moira is about to get out.

Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and drops a loud and deadly one and says …

“Cabbage from Aldi … 49 pence a pound.”

[Doc Dan]

A group of friends are hiking in the mountains, when they spot a bear running towards them. They frantically drop everything then start running from the bear.

However, the bear soon catches up to the slowest friend and mauls him.

The horrified friends watch in shock and disbelief as the bear feasts on their mate.

Then one of them breaks into tears sobbing. “I feel so guilty!” he said.

“It could’ve been any of us, my friend. You should not feel any shame or guilt!”

“You mean … You guys would’ve tripped him too?”

[Doc Dan]

Funny Christmas quotes:

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” Bernard Manning

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” Shirley Temple

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” Anonymous

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” Catherine Tate

[Doc Dan]

More funny Christmas quotes:

“I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’” — David Letterman

”I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” — Maya Angelou

”The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” — Johnny Carson

”It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”— Milton Berle

“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”— Charles M. Schulz

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller

[Doc Dan]

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_ ... =578998683

[Doc Dan]

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe, so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (I made my cake this morning!)

Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups dried fruit

Method:
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still okay. Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka.
Now !@#$%^&* shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

[Doc Dan]

Two blondes are searching for a Christmas tree. They walked a long time, but couldn’t find one they liked.

Hour by hour passed, but still none of the trees are good enough. It was getting dark.

At close to midnight one of them suddenly said, “Ugh, let’s just pick one without decorations.”

[Doc Dan]

What's red and white and falls down chimneys? Santa Klutz!
How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm? His sleigh is flown by raindeer.
What's Santa Claus's favorite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles!
What is Santa’s primary language? North Polish.
Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!
What is Santa's favorite kind of candy? Jolly ranchers.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer.
How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.
What was Santa's favorite subject in school? Chemis-tree!
Why does Santa always enter through the chimney? Because it soots him.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house!
What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less.
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker.
Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
What’s Santa’s favorite fruit? (Sugar)plums.
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer? Elfish Presley.

[Doc Dan]

One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mum pops into his room.

“What are you doing son?” she asks.

“I’m writing my letter to Santa,” he says.

“With how bad you’ve been this year, you’ll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!”

So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he’s going to say.

‘Dear Jesus, I’ve been a good boy this ye-‘

“Ehhh,” he thinks. “If Santa knows that’s not true, then Jesus will definitely know I’m lying.”

So he tries again. ‘Dear Jesus, I’ve been a somewhat good boy this ye-‘

“No,” he thinks to himself. “Jesus is probably smart enough to know that’s a lie too.”

So to clear his mind and think better, the boy goes for a walk.

As he’s walking down the street, he spots a manger scene on someone’s front lawn. He goes up to it, steals Mary from the scene and takes it home.

He went home and started to write: ‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again …’

[Doc Dan]

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin’ scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with them (thinking he might get a story out if he was lucky). “Mind if I play?”

The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go.

“Play alone, we’re a-leavin’. Wild Bill’s comin’ to town.”

The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing; a strong one at that. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, “Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change.”

After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer, and pushes the bill back to the man.

“The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town.”

Without another word the bartender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the writer in an empty bar.

Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he’s about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this calibre must be worth something; so he waits.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, Bong! Just as the clock strikes the first chime of 12, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The author runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a tornado coming right for the bar. He hits the ground and watches as the tornado comes up to the bar and stops.

The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face, knocking it cold on the ground.

The writer is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. The giant man kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters that imbed themselves into the walls and break bottles and glasses that they touch.

The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the writer and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, “Gimme a drink!”

He comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whisky; which the giant snatches up, chews the glass tops off of, and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles showering the weakened author with shards that rain down.

Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the writer stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, “W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?”

The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock… “Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill’s comin’ to town.”

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in a safe in the middle of plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the company that brings them out safely!”

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the plant president increased his offer to $100,000 to the company that could bring out the secret formulas.

From the distance, a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over-65. To everyone’s amazement, the fire truck raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

The other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their truck and began to fight the fire with an effort they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting, the volunteers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

Overjoyed, the plant president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000. He walked over to personally thank each of the elderly volunteers. After thanking them, the president asked the volunteers what they planned on doing with the reward money,

The driver of the fire truck looked the president right in the eye and said, “The first we’re going to do is fix the brakes on this dang truck!”

[Doc Dan]

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar.

Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”

“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

[Doc Dan]

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“Im having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”

[Doc Dan]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.
She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

[Doc Dan]

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods.
The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here".
The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".

[Manixguy@1994]

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

A little, silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a very difficult jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbour decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. When he arrives, the old lady shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says:

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.” Then he takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” and he says this with a deep sigh…

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”