Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

Mr. Obvious show from Bob and Tom....had me rolling :D
https://youtu.be/SNYJcOTOcLU

too funny

[Doc Dan]

My wife yelled at me from upstairs, “Do you ever get a shooting pain in your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and is sticking spin in it?”

“No,” I yelled back.

“How about now?” she replied.

[Doc Dan]

My shrink is crazy as a loon. I asked him how to avoid drugs. He told me, "I just say 'No' to drugs."

If he is talking to his drugs he has already said "Yes".

[Doc Dan]

Two guys were sitting in a bar comparing old injuries.

The first one says, “I like to parachute into extreme places. I also do rock climbing.
What sort of dangerous sport do you do?”

The second guy says, “I sometimes argue with my wife.”

[z4vdBt]

Last week I got kicked out of a Flat Earth Society meeting after I asked if this six foot social distancing thing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

[Doc Dan]

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O’Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there one afternoon, his cousin walked by.

“What are you doing?” asked O’Bannon.

“Fishing,” said MacAndrews.

“Caught anything?”

“Not a bite.”

“What are ye using for bait?”

“Worms.”

“Let me see it,” said O’Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.

O’Bannon took out his flask of home-brewed liquour and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

“Have you got a bite?” asked O’Bannon.

“No!” shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod. “The worm’s got a salmon by the throat!”





Hahaha!
Somebody top that one.

[z4vdBt]

Vegans say it's gross to sell meat, but a person who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.

[Doc Dan]

At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third.

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence.

“Thank God we can all still drive,” said one woman cheerfully.

[Doc Dan]

Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After spending hours in front of the mirror applying the ‘miracle’ products, she asked: “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied: “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”

[z4vdBt]

An older gentleman getting on in years had spent decades polishing his jokes and practicing them at parties. One night, at a cocktail party, he met a nice older lady. They really hit it off and went out for coffee later that week.

During their date, the man started telling his jokes. He was notorious for his puns, and it was obvious to the lady as to why. They were absolutely brilliant, well timed, dry, and always seemed to fit the moment perfectly. His puns always made her smile.

One day she read in the newspaper that people could enter up to ten puns in a joke contest with a grand prize of $10,000. She couldn't wait until later that day when she would see him so she could tell him. When they met, she convinced the man to enter the contest, as surely he would win.

The man spent hours trying to write his best puns. After gleaning his list many times with the lady, they finally decided which ten puns he would submit.

Weeks later a letter announcing the results of the contest finally came. The man excitedly opened it. Slowly his eyes scanned the page until he quietly folded the paper back up and placed it on the table. He looked crushed. The lady asked nervously - Did you win?

The man looked at her and quietly muttered - No pun in ten did.

[Doc Dan]

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said: “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked: “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called: “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

[Doc Dan]

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was a little cold so he turned the sun up.

[z4vdBt]

[Doc Dan]

Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting.

“My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry her daughter!” one of them yelled.

“There is a simple solution,” said the King. “I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece.”

“Fine by me!” said the first woman.

“No, don’t, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!” cried the second.

The King didn’t hesitate for a minute. “Fine.” he said. “The first woman may have him.”

“What?” protested the other? “She wanted him cut in two!”

“Indeed,” said the king. “She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!”

[Doc Dan]

Did you hear what the cannibal did after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his bum.

[The Meat man]

Did you hear what the cannibal did after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his bum.

Now that is just terrible! :D :D

[z4vdBt]

Did you hear what the cannibal did after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his bum.

Now that is just terrible! :D :D

You had to see how it came out.

[Doc Dan]

Hahahaha! you guys are as warped as I am.

[Doc Dan]

My wife texted me a selfie this morning and asked, "Does this make my butt look big?"

I texted back, "Noo".

My phone autocorrected to "Moo".

Somebody send help!

[Doc Dan]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"