Family friendly jokes

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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#441

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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks: “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#442

Post by Doc Dan »

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said: “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said: “Hi, honey.”

“Thank goodness, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#443

Post by z4vdBt »

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#444

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My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#445

Post by Doc Dan »

A father and his son were in Walmart. The son was staring in wide-eyed wonder.

Noticing this, the father said, "Back before Walmart, son, we had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#446

Post by SkullBouncer »

Why Do Ducks Have Flat Feet?


To Stamp Out Burning Wildfires.


Why Do Elephants Have Flat Feet?


To Stamp Out Burning Ducks.


:p SB / Bruce :cool: :cool:
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#447

Post by Doc Dan »

I went to see my buddy Bruce today and asked his wife where he was.

She said he’s out the back in the garden.

I had a quick look but couldn’t see him so went to ask his wife again.

She said, “He’s out there, you just have to dig a little deeper”.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#448

Post by z4vdBt »

lol
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#449

Post by Doc Dan »

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean”.

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.”

The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means”.

He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!”

The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#450

Post by Doc Dan »

After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.

He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!”

“Yeah,” his wife nodded. “And it has your weight wrong, too!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#451

Post by Doc Dan »

While fishing on in a river delta near a small Australian farming town, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old farmer standing on the bank, the tourist shouted: “Are there any crocodiles around here?!”

“Nah,” the man hollered back. “Hasn’t been any for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the bank. About halfway there he asked the guy: “How’d you get rid of the crocs?”


“We didn’t do anything’,” the farmer said. “The sharks got ’em.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#452

Post by Doc Dan »

An officer pulled over a man and walked up to his window.

“How long have you been driving without a brake light?” asked the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

“Come on, now,” he said. “You don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”

“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then I suppose you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#453

Post by Doc Dan »

Image
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#454

Post by The Meat man »

^Lol! :D :D
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#455

Post by Doc Dan »

Image
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#456

Post by Doc Dan »

Image
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#457

Post by Doc Dan »

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say: “Jesus is watching you.”
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He heard again: “Jesus is watching you.”

This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked: “Did you say that?”

The parrot admitted that he had. “I’m just trying to warn you, is all.”

The burglar said: “Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? What’s your name?”

“Moses.”

“Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?”

The bird answered :”I don’t know. I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#458

Post by Doc Dan »

A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

The man says: “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#459

Post by Doc Dan »

We all need a good laugh. Who has a good family friendly joke?
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#460

Post by z4vdBt »

The Monastery was running out of money, so the Brothers decided to open a Fish 'N' Chips stand. A customer walked up to the window to place his order and told the Brother that he only wanted an order of Chips, but no Fish. The Brother replied - Sorry, I'm the Fish Friar, you'll have to give your order to the Chip Monk.
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