Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

A blonde woman calls emergency services on her phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

“Stay calm. An officer is on the way,” the dispatcher told her.

The cop arrives, takes one look, and says, “Lady, you do realize you’re in the back seat, don’t you?”

[z4vdBt]

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl - Will you marry me? She said No. And the guy lived happily ever after.

[z4vdBt]

15 to 2.

[z4vdBt]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says - I can make the boss give me the day off. The man replies - And how would you do that? Just wait and see. She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says - What are you doing? I'm a light bulb. The boss then says - You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off. The man starts to follow her and the boss says - Where are you going? I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.

[Doc Dan]

:D :D :D Good one.

[TomAiello]

To that end ... How do Kiwi’s find their sheep in long grass?

Don't they just look for the Aussies?

[Bloke]

To that end ... How do Kiwi’s find their sheep in long grass?

Don't they just look for the Aussies?

Hey Tom, all I can say for sure is, you wouldn’t want to be wearing a shearling coat around Kiwis.

If you ever come to Oz and your looking for Kiwis, you’ll find them everywhere but they have a habit of congregating around the Ugg Boots in shoe stores. :p

[z4vdBt]

One day after a man had been for his annual physical, the doctor came out and said - You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?

Well, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.

That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?

Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.

[z4vdBt]

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4 year old daughter to answer the phone. Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.

[z4vdBt]

Out in West Texas there has been a puzzling development that was thought to be another evidence of looming environmental disaster. For some reason, there were numerous dead crows on the highways. At first, they called in an environmental sciences professor from A & M. After extensive study and a great expenditure of taxpayer money, the professor had to admit that he could find no reason for the dead birds.

Then a scientist from the National Science Foundation was consulted (because after all, maybe the Aggies don't know everything). Again, several weeks and millions of dollars later, we were no nearer to an answer or a solution to the problem.

One day the scientist was salving his bruised ego with a cold beer in a Marfa bar when a dusty-looking local cowboy walked in. He noticed the long face on the scientist and asked what was wrong.

Oh, my friend, replied the scientist with a heavy sigh, I was not able to find the cause of death for the crows on the highways outside of town. I am afraid I must report my research as a failure.

Well, if that is all it is, that's easy, replied the cowboy.

What? Do you have the solution? What has been killing the crows?

Motorcycles.

Motorcycles?

Yeah, motorcycles. When the crows see cars coming on the highway they can yell Caw! Caw! Caw! But crows can't say Here comes a bike!

[Doc Dan]

O no! Hahahaha!

[Bloke]

A little white rabbit escaped from a Laboratory Animal Test Facility and soon found several wild rabbits feeding on a cabbage patch at a nearby market garden. The wild rabbits were very friendly and welcomed him to join them, which he did.

They chatted and after a big feed of cabbage leaves he was full. He thanked his new friends and told them he’d best get back. The wild rabbits were baffled. “You only just escaped!” they gasped “Why would you want to go back?”

“I’m dying for a smoke!”

[Doc Dan]

A police chief was receiving an award.
“Next,” the conference emcee announced. “We have the chief of the State Police, Roger Smith, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly.”
The chief took his place at the lectern. “I’m a little nervous,” he began. “Getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!”

[z4vdBt]

A Yorkshire farmer is walking over his fields. He has seen a Lamborghini Urus parked by his gate and wonders who the **** that might be. He sees a man in tweeds and Hunter wellies, on his knees by the farmers stream trying and to scoop up some water in his right hand to have a drink.

Farmer: Aye up sithee, tha knows that ma best tup sheets and pisses in that water, I'd gan canny if I was thee, it'd go right through yer in no time.

London Gent: I am terribly sorry, I am up from London. Do you happen to speak English?

Farmer: I would use both hands, mate. You will get more.

[Doc Dan]

An Auburn student stopped at a petrol station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil. After a few seconds, she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.

“Excuse me,” she said. “But can I buy a longer dipstick?”

“Sure, ma’am, of course. Why do you need a longer one

“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil.”

[z4vdBt]

4 p.m. I get an text from my girlfriend: Me or football?

7 p.m. I texted my girlfriend: You of course.

[Doc Dan]

A man goes to the doctor. After examining him, the GP says: “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets I think it will be okay.”

So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks: “Do I have to take them every day?”

“No,” replies the doctor. “Take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.”

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street and he sees the patient’s wife. “Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says. “How’s your husband?”


“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor. “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”

“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy. “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

[z4vdBt]

lol ___ :D

[z4vdBt]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director - How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

Well, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer them either a teaspoon, a teacup, or a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

Oh, I understand. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

No. A normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a bed near the window?

[The Meat man]

Ha ha! :D