Family friendly jokes

[z4vdBt]

A guy robs a Georgia bank and takes hostages. In the course of the robbery his mask slips off.

He asks one of the hostages - Did you see my face? The hostage answers yes, and the robber shoots him.

Then the robber turns to the second hostage. Did you see my face?

The second hostage quickly answers - No, but my wife did.

[ThomC]

Ha ha ha ! That's a good one !

Here's another :

In a residential area, a burglar is in the middle of a B&E when he hears, in a soft voice :
"Mary and Jesus are watching you..."
He spins around, and not seeing anyone, gets back to stuffing his bag with his hoard. A few seconds later, he's startled by the same voice :
"They're still watching you, you know..."
He spins around, and spots a parrot shuffling atop its perch.
"A talking parrot ! You scared the **** out of me !" the burglar says.
"You should be careful, Mary and Jesus are watching you." repeats the parrot.
"Mary and Jesus ? Is that you ?" asks the burglar.
"No, I'm Eisenhower."
"What a weird name for a parrot."
"Then what about Mary and Jesus for a pair of Dobermans ?"

[JonLeBlanc]

"What do we want??"

"TIME MACHINES!!"

"When do we want it??"

"THAT'S IRRELEVANT!!"

[z4vdBt]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy - Son, how old are you? Eight - the boy replied. The man continued - Do you know what these are used for? The boy replied - Not really, but they aren't for me. They're for my brother here. He's four. He saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim and ride a bike, and right now he can't do either.

[MacLaren]

Try to be like Sal.... Mad is bad.

[MacLaren]

A hillbillie goes into an electronics store and asks the sales associate - How much is that t.v? The sales associate says - sorry I don't sell to hillbillies.

So the hillbillie wears a fancy suit and hat and goes back. How much does that t.v cost? (in a British accent).

Look I already told you I don't sell to hillbillies.

So the hillbillie goes back home and covers his face with bandages so its impossible to recognize him. How much is that t.v?

How many f**** times do I have to tell that I don't sell to hillbillies?

Okay, fine I give up. I wont come here again but just tell me how you knew it was me.

That's not a t.v, its a microwave.

Again, try to.be like.Sal.
Mad is bad.
Not cool.to make.fun of a set of people.

[legOFwhat?]

Hope I didn't offend anyone

[Bloke]

Again, try to.be like.Sal.
Mad is bad.
Not cool.to make.fun of a set of people.

Too right, Mac!

Unless of course, you’re Australian. In which case making fun of everyone is your “Patriotic Chore”. Ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha, ah, hahaha!

To that end ... How do Kiwi’s find their sheep in long grass?

Delightful! :rolleyes:

[Doc Dan]

Two elderly women, Marie & Edith, were driving. Neither could see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
Edith in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.
She turned to Marie and said: “Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”
Marie turned to her and said: “Oh, am I driving?”

[Doc Dan]

Why don't hillbillies eat pickles?


Can't get their head in the jars!

Lord, I'm sorry :o

I loved this one. I changed the target and reposted it on Facebook. Hahaha!

[z4vdBt]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator - My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies - Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says - OK, now what?

[Doc Dan]

An old man named George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night.
Then he said: “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”
A little later in the day, the doctor called George’s wife and said: “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”
The wife exclaimed: “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

[ChrisinHove]

Hope I didn't offend anyone

I thought the reference to the British accent a little off-colour! :D

[legOFwhat?]

Hope I didn't offend anyone

I thought the reference to the British accent a little off-colour! :D

:p

[z4vdBt]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing?

Hunting flies.

Oh. Killing any?

Yep, 3 males, 2 females.

How can you tell them apart?

3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

[Bloke]

A fella walks into a bar, buys a schnapps and notices a good sort checking him out, so he walks over and says "G’day, I’m Gernot what’s your name?" "Hi," giggles the good sort, "I'm Donna. You want to come back to my place?" “For Sure!" Says Gernot. "Let's go!"

Back at Donna’s place, Gernot see’s a picture of a man on her bedside dresser and asks, "That your brother?" "No, Gernot." "Your husband?" Donna giggles "No, silly!" "Your boyfriend?" Donna chuckles, holding back laughter and nibbles Gernot's ear. "No, silly!" "Who is it then?" Gernot’s really curious now. Donna sighs. “That’s me when I’m Don”.

[legOFwhat?]

Oh no! Poor Gernot :p

[Wartstein]

A fella walks into a bar, buys a schnapps and notices a good sort checking him out, so he walks over and says "G’day, I’m Gernot what’s your name?"....

Man, Alex!! :eek:
I tought we agreed on you´d never cite the embarrasing parts of my biography!! :p :p :p

Yours sincerely, Gernot

[Doc Dan]

Haha! I’m sorry, but I had to laugh. I knew someone this happened to. When he realized what was what he jumped out of the car at 40mph. I still laugh every time I think of that idiot.

[Doc Dan]

One day, after a man had been for his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: “You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”

“Well,” he said. “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yeah, and they’re in favour 15 to 2.”