Family friendly jokes

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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#981

Post by Doc Dan »

Manixguy@1994 wrote:
Tue Apr 26, 2022 3:27 pm
Doc Dan wrote:
Tue Apr 26, 2022 8:29 am
Why do elephants paint their toenails purple?
So they can hide in the grape vines.

How was Tarzan killed?
Picking grapes.
How can a joke so old still be so funny ? I was telling this joke in grade school when Tarzan movies were in black and white .
I don't know. It is silly, yet never fails to get a laugh (or a groan).
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#982

Post by Doc Dan »

Why can't you go into the jungle between 2:00 and 4:00 pm?
That's when the elephants jump out of trees to test their new tennis shoes.

Why are pygmies so short?
The went into the jungle between 2 and 4pm.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#983

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A Lycra-clad dietician stood in front of the crowd addressing a group of seniors. “MEAT!” she screamed, pointing at the audience. “Meat is one of the worst things for your body. Every year, we poison ourselves with enough meat to kill us!”.

The crowd contemplated this drastic assumption for a moment. “VEGETABLES!” screamed the dietician. “If they are not organic, most vegetables are crawling with germs and harsh chemicals.” The crowd, once again, fell silent for a moment.

“BUT! There is ONE food that can KILL us quicker than meat or vegetables,” boomed the dietician surveying the crowd “YOU SIR” she said, pointing at a random man in the front row. “Can you tell me – what’s the worst food for your health?”.

Without skipping a beat, the man replied “Wedding cake.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#984

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The captain of a cruise ship has a parrot. He and his parrot go to the magic show on board every night, and every night the parrot calls the magician out on his trickery, “It’s up his sleeve!”, “There is a hole in his hat!”, “There’s a fake bottom!”
So finely one day the magician gets so fed up with the parrot that he pulls out a gun, shoots at the bird, misses the bird and hits the boiler. This causes the ship to blow up into bits.

The magician grabs onto a piece of floating wood and the parrot lands on his shoulder. The parrot looks at him and says, “I give up, where’s the boat?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#985

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

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MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#986

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

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MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#987

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The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the American Legion Post. A rumpled old Army ground-pounder was standing near the edge, with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing. "Fishing," the old sergeant simply said.

"Poor old loon. He's lost his mind," the Marine officer thought to himself, and invited the old Army infantryman into the bar for a drink.

As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked, "How many have you caught today?" "You're number 14," the old sergeant answered, taking another sip from his double Martini. " 2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9 Marines"
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#988

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

Image
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#989

Post by Doc Dan »

Manixguy@1994 wrote:
Mon May 09, 2022 3:49 pm
Image
Dead man walking!!! :grin-squint :grin-squint
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#990

Post by Osok-308 »

What's a pirates favorite letter?

Everybody thinks it's the R, but really it's the C that they love!
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#991

Post by Doc Dan »

The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19.
Dogs previously held in quarantine should now be released.
WHO let the dogs out.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#992

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These are actual comments made by police officers:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through”

2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while”

3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document”

4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired”

5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you”

6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket”

9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop”

11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven”

12. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

13. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can”

14. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail”

AND THE WINNER IS….

15. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#993

Post by Doc Dan »

Frustrated mother: My child won't eat fish. What can I replace it with?

Friend: What about a cat? Cats love fish.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#994

Post by Doc Dan »

A man in a Florida supermarket asks if he can buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager - "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added - "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said - "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

He said, "Canada sir."

"Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

"Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there," said the young man.

"Really? My wife is from Canada," growled the manager.

"No kidding? Who'd she play for?" said the young man.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#995

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

Doc , you are nailing it ! Dan
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#996

Post by Doc Dan »

Manixguy@1994 wrote:
Tue May 17, 2022 8:59 pm
Doc , you are nailing it ! Dan
Let's have some from you. :open-grin
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#997

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

Image
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Manixguy@1994
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#998

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

Image
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Manixguy@1994
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Location: Central Illinois
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#999

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

Image
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1000

Post by Manixguy@1994 »

ImageImage
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
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