Family friendly jokes

[The Meat man]

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Ha ha! :D
Quote from your last job interview? :p :D

[Doc Dan]

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Ha ha! :D
Quote from your last job interview? :p :D

Hahaha! You caught me.

[Pelagic]

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Hahahaha. Very good.

[Doc Dan]

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Hahahaha. Very good.

Your turn

[Pelagic]

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

[Doc Dan]

Hahahaha

[Jazz]

I'd just like to thank the teacher I had who explained the meaning of the word many. It means a lot.

[Filoso-]

A soldier says to his Sergeant: There are people coming!
The Sergeant replies: Friends or enemies?
They must be friends, they are all coming together!

[bearrowland]

[Doc Dan]

I picked up a hitchhiker. He seemed like a nice guy.

He asked me if I was afraid he might be a serial killer.

I told him it was extremely unlikely that two serial killers would be in the same car.

[Pelagic]

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: 

"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

[z4vdBt]

A police officer called the station on his radio. I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.

Have you arrested the woman?

Not yet. The floor's still wet.

[Pelagic]

A Texan cattle rancher and a Georgian Farmer meet and begin talking about their land. The Texan says "I've got a piece of land so vast, I can drive all day and never reach my neighbor's property". The Georgian farmer says "I had a truck like that once!"

[SkullBouncer]

Some recycled humor from a past thread of mine -- oldies but goodies!!
==============================================================

Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Granny's house, carrying a picnic basket and skipping merrily along the path through the woods.
After ten minutes or so, she sees something rustle in the bushes, and walks over to investigate -- only to find a crouching Big, Bad Wolf.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mister Wolf!", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Abruptly, the wolf jumps out of the bushes in front of her... and immediately runs up the path far ahead, deeper into the woods.

Another ten minutes later while skipping along, Little Red Riding Hood sees some more moving about, this time behind a tree. Upon walking over to investigate she again discovers, crouching behind it, the Big, Bad Wolf.

"My, what big ears you have, Mister Wolf!" exclaims Little Red Riding Hood.
Leaping out from behind the tree in front of the girl, the Wolf dashes away up the path and out of sight, ever closer to Granny's House.

Confused yet undaunted, Little Red Riding Hood recommences skipping merrily up the path. Another ten minutes pass, but this time the girl catches a glimpse of something now behind a boulder.
Walking over to investigate, she looks behind the rock to discover crouched in hiding, AGAIN the BIG, BAD WOLF!!

"My, what big teeth you have Mister Wolf!!" exclaims the little girl.

Once more the Wolf frantically springs onto the path, at last angrily confronting her face to face, and screams "WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT??!?
I'm TRYING to TAKE A CRAP!!!"

:spyder: SB / BRUCE :cool:

[SkullBouncer]

* Clinton uses his all the time.

* Obama is one.

* Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

* Liberace never used his on women.

* Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

* Cher claims that she took on 3.

* We never saw Lucy use Desi's.


What is it? Answer below! (This is pretty good).





























The answer is: "A Last Name."

===============================================================================

:spyder: SB / BRUCE !!

[SkullBouncer]

Mysteries, mysteries

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Ben’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. “You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

Ben said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll E-Mail her just to be sure.”

So he sat down at the computer and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, Ben received an e-mail from his mother which read:

“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Allison, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom” :eek:

==================================================================

:spyder: SB / BRUCE :p

[SkullBouncer]

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was.

"Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.

"You certainly do roll your R’s," the businessman observed.

"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."

:spyder: SB /BRUCE :cool:

[SkullBouncer]

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the Daily Prayer from 'Give Us this Day Our Daily Bread' to 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I cannot change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen Your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the Daily Prayer from 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread' to 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken."
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The Church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel Gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate.
"This is my final offer, Your Excellency. If you change the words of the Daily Prayer from, 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread' to 'Give Us This Day Our Daily Chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
"Let me get back to you!" says the Pope.
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news.
The Good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."


:cool: / SB!! :cool:

[SkullBouncer]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY...!!"


"...This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I caught my wife upstairs in an affair with the gardener -- then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve...then some wise *** like you shows up, grabs it away and drinks the whole thing --

-- Geez, I just can't win." :o



:spyder: SB / BRUCE :D

[SkullBouncer]

I wonder how many can remember this vid -- CLASSIC!

Terry Tate Sensitivity Training

https://youtu.be/g91wjVx ... r_embedded

:D :D SB / BRUCE