Family friendly jokes

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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#761

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I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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z4vdBt
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#762

Post by z4vdBt »

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#763

Post by z4vdBt »

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

What are you in here for?

To get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous.

You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze. What are you here for?

A circumcision.

Whoa. I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#764

Post by york »

People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.” All I remember is “Don’t fill up on bread.”
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#765

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An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer.

There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview.

They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?"

He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five."

When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five.

He thinks "Well, I blew that" and goes home very disappointed.

Next day he gets a phone call and is told he has got the job.

"Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right."

"We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#766

Post by The Meat man »

I was just diagnosed as colorblind. It really came out of the purple.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

If a king farts, is it a noble gas?
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#767

Post by z4vdBt »

Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#768

Post by The Meat man »

z4vdBt wrote:
Sun Jun 20, 2021 8:07 pm
Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.
Ha ha! That is a good one. :D

The answer, by the way, is 42. ;)
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#769

Post by Doc Dan »

Image

Yes, I am warped.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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york
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#770

Post by york »

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#771

Post by kiwisailor »

york wrote:
Thu Jun 17, 2021 2:19 am
People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.” All I remember is “Don’t fill up on bread.”
Mine used to tell me that just before we went into the "all you can eat for a dollar" Buffet...
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#772

Post by The Meat man »

Did you hear about the blue ship that sank in the Red Sea? Apparently, the survivors are marooned.

Where did the peg-legged pirate go for breakfast? IHOP.

What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common? The same middle name.

Last night, I dreamed I was a muffler. Woke up exhausted.

The shovel. What a groundbreaking invention.
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#773

Post by The Meat man »

What did the one strand of DNA say to the other strand of DNA?

"Do these genes make my butt look big?"
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#774

Post by The Meat man »

What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park the car, man.

Man: Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places.
Doctor: Well, you probably shouldn't go to those places.
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#775

Post by z4vdBt »

What happened when the cast of Friends were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow.
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#776

Post by z4vdBt »

The Meat man wrote:
Thu Jun 24, 2021 6:09 am
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park the car, man.

:D
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#777

Post by Doc Dan »

A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree.
Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough.
While trying, he falls to the ground.
They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls.
The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree.
The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy.
He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree.
"OK guys, the tree is 14' 6." He then gets in his truck and drives away.
The two botanists are stunned and speechless.
Finally one says to the other ,"How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#778

Post by Doc Dan »

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump.
He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog jumped across the room.
The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs jumped eight feet." Then he cut the frog's front legs off.
Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.
After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs jumped three feet." Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs.
Once more, he shouted, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog just lay there.
"Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist repeated.
Nothing.
The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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The Meat man
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#779

Post by The Meat man »

Doc Dan wrote:
Sat Jun 26, 2021 8:39 am
A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree.
Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough.
While trying, he falls to the ground.
They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls.
The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree.
The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy.
He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree.
"OK guys, the tree is 14' 6." He then gets in his truck and drives away.
The two botanists are stunned and speechless.
Finally one says to the other ,"How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width."
Ha Ha! :D
- Connor

"What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
york
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#780

Post by york »

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
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