Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

It died but was clean on the inside! :D :D

[z4vdBt]

What do you call an unemployed jester?

Nobody's fool.

[Doc Dan]

A silver haired old woman called her neighbor and said, "Would you please come over here and help me? I have a jigsaw puzzle of a rooster that I can't figure out how to put together.
The elderly gentleman comes over and says, "Let me have a look. Where's the box so I can see what the picture is supposed to look like?"
The lady hands him the box and he examines it carefully, and said, "First of all, no matter how we assemble these pieces we will not be able to make a picture of a rooster out of it."
"Second of all, why don't we just relax, have a cup of tea, and I'll help you put all of the corn flakes back into the box?"

[SkullBouncer]

Absolutely hilarious posts -- Thanks, guys!

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I am hardcore into Steve Martin - have been since Jr. high school in the mid- to- later 1970s when he was just getting rolling! I had, and still have all of his vinyl LP albums, and this was a number of years before he did his first movie, to which most people can recall and relate -- 'The Jerk', in his starring role as Navin Johnson :p

I've seen his movies many, many times, starting before them when he had started his career doing Stand Up -- climbing up from relative obscurity to practical cult status. I had mostly all of his material memorized from this time -- and would parrot his gags to friends and family! The guy was and is an Outstanding Banjo Player to boot; it was during this time that I picked up banjo myself, and was pretty good in my own rite, but even better at the present.

What an Absolutely Brilliant Talent this Great Soul embodies; Mensa member as well IIRC... ============================================================================

Cut To The Chase: A Lot of his funniest stuff he was doing back then was as a frequent guest starring with the 'Not Ready For Prime Time Players' -- That's right -- back to the budding origins of the REAL SNL (John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner, Bill Murray, Norm Macdonald, Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Eddie Murphy as well the rest of the early cast members).

Steve wrote and choreographed a number of these skits, and was well- known back then for his Drop Dead Hilarious and extremely Unique dance routines. When Steve performed with Gilda, the result was straight up comedy magic -- Pure Freaking Gold.

What follows are a couple of my favorites of Steve's stuff; the first is a dance skit with Gilda -- 'Dancing In The Dark'.
(Years back I could not find this material on the net -- looked for it for a LONG time, but this afternoon I FOUND IT!)

Ladies and Gentlemen -- I am pleased to feature: https://youtu.be/G3k9_XbLxNY

-- SB / BRUCE :D :D

[SkullBouncer]

Up Next: This Sketch of which Steve Martin wrote, choreographed and performed with supporting cast LIVE --

KING TUT. https://youtu.be/FYbavuReVF4

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:spyder: :spyder: SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:

[Doc Dan]

Up Next: This Sketch of which Steve Martin wrote, choreographed and performed with supporting cast LIVE --

KING TUT. https://youtu.be/FYbavuReVF4

=========================================================================================
:spyder: :spyder: SB / BRUCE :cool: :cool:

Hahaha! I remember this well. It became somewhat of a hit on the radio, too. It sold over a million copies. The band Toot Uncommons that played the song while Martin sang was actually the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Love it!

[SkullBouncer]

Awesome, learned some trivia I hadn't known before.
Thanks, Dan! :)

In keeping with the Original SNL theme, hadda throw this one in too. I genuinely prefer this to the original; haven't seen this stuff in many years; What a Treat.

Belushi and Aykroyd / Jake and Elwood : The BLUES BROTHERS Performing the Legendary Classic

SOUL MAN. https://youtu.be/FTWH1Fdkjow

TOTALLY LOVE IT. :D :D
-- SB / Bruce

[z4vdBt]

Police are investigating a crime in which the victim was shot with a starter's pistol.

They believe the incident may have been race related.

[bearrowland]

I love the original SNL!!

[Doc Dan]

Little Johnny had an ear infection and had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner.

When he asked Little Johnny, “Is there anything you are allergic to?” Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny’s mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny’s mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor’s instructions, it read: “Do not take with broccoli.”

[Doc Dan]

A large, well established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said: “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back: “Sure, that’s what they call it NOW!”

[z4vdBt]

Once upon a time there lived a king that stood but 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

[Doc Dan]

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas party. He wasn’t usually a big drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he had done something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of painkillers next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them was a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

He took the painkillers and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.”

He stumbled into the kitchen and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast on the table waiting for me?”

His son replied, “Oh that! Well, Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!'”

[z4vdBt]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says - dam.

[Doc Dan]

A bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier, having narrowed it down to two final applicants.

The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.

Then he called for the second man, “Jim Johnson!”

Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. “He looks like he can take care of any situation,” thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.

Turning to Jim, he said, “I like the way you carry yourself – that’s an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed that you did not fill in the location of your formal education on the application.”

Jim looked a little confused, so the manager said, “Where did you get your financial education?”

“Oh,” replied Jim. “Yale.”

“That’s very good – excellent! You’re hired! Now that you’re working for us, what do you prefer to be called?”

Jim answered, “I don’t care. Yim, or Mr Yonson.”

[z4vdBt]

lol

[z4vdBt]

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying - God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa.

Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?

I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this - God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma. The next day the grandmother died.

Holy crap, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say - God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy. He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said - I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?

I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life.

You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.

[bearrowland]

[z4vdBt]

The other day I bought an old record album called Sounds Wasps Make. When I got it home and played it, I said to myself - this doesn't sound anything like wasp sounds. Then I realized I was playing the Bee side.

[SkullBouncer]

GRRROOANNN... HaHaHa!! :p :p