Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

[Doc Dan]

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said: “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

[Bloke]

Doc, I’d tell you a paper joke but it’s terrible.

Why don’t bicycles stand up on their own? They’re too tired. :rolleyes:

[Doc Dan]

Groan!

[Doc Dan]

My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test -- the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

[Doc Dan]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

[SkullBouncer]

Hahahaha Yeah!! :D

[Doc Dan]

Google Search: How to disable autocorrect in wife?

[Doc Dan]

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, "maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me."

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

[SkullBouncer]

If at first you don't succeed.......skydiving ain't for you. :D










- SB / Bruce

[Doc Dan]

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess kilos. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious muffins, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery’.

“And sure enough,” he continued. “The eighth time around the block, there it was!”

[Doc Dan]

An elderly man lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: “Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa.”

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

“Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie.”

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

“Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.”

[z4vdBt]

^ good one.

[ChrisinHove]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.

Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes
upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Motorcycle?”

[Doc Dan]

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”

The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”

The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”

The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!”

“Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”

[Doc Dan]

Two rednecks are walking down different ends of a street towards each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says: “Hey Tommy, what ya got in that bag?”

“Just some chickens.”

“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”

“Shoot, ya guess right and I’ll give you both of them.”

“Okay! Umm, five?”

[Doc Dan]

A man and his wife were on their way home from the bar one night and they got pulled over by the police. The officer told the man that he was stopped because his brake light was burned out. The man said: “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.”

Just then his wife said: “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”

So the officer asked for the man's licence and after looking at it said: “Sir your license has expired.”

And again the man apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

His wife piped up and said: “I told you a week ago that the government sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.”

Well by this time, the man is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice: “Woman, shut your mouth!”

The officer then leaned over toward the wife and asked: “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”

She replied: “Only when he’s drunk.”

[bearrowland]

I told my family that one and we're all rolling on the ground laughing! The best part is I'm a cop and I can honestly see this happening!!

[Doc Dan]

I told my family that one and we're all rolling on the ground laughing! The best part is I'm a cop and I can honestly see this happening!!

. I know of a couple of things just like this.

[ChrisinHove]

I used to cough to cover a fart.

Now I fart to cover a cough ....