Family friendly jokes

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1081

Post by Doc Dan »

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop gives him a sceptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back”

The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man

“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1082

Post by Doc Dan »

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

“Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!”

The wife, startled at her husband’s violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!”

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband’s mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

“WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They’re going to stick! HURRY!”

“CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don’t you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!”

At this point, the wife stops cooking since she has no idea what to do.

She shouts, “What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs!”

The husband simply smiles and replies, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I’m driving with you in the car,” and leaves before she could hit him with the pan.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1083

Post by Doc Dan »

When their second child was on the way, Mr and Mrs Smith attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.'”

“But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1084

Post by Doc Dan »

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.

We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that’s in my centre desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1085

Post by Doc Dan »

An alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter’s square in Rome, a hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.

After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, “I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?”

“Jesus Christ?!” exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. “Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!”

A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. “Every two years?” he shouted. “We’re still waiting for his second coming!”

“Maybe he didn’t like your chocolate?” suggested the alien.

“Chocolate?” replied the Pope. “What in heaven’s name does chocolate have to do with it?”

“Well,” said the alien. “When he first came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. What did you do for him when he first came to yours?”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1086

Post by Doc Dan »

A martial arts master was deep in meditation when his young pupil stormed into the room frustrated with another loss.

“Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” he sighed. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”

The student, ready to gain more knowledge responded, “Yes, my master, I have.”

The master continued,”And a waterfall, spilling strongly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”



“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.” the student replied.

“And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?” asked the master.

The student nodded, “Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”

The master sighed, “That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1087

Post by Doc Dan »

A little boy is at a birthday party with his mother and ten minutes into the party the little boy has to pee. Naturally, he calls for his mother. Once he spotted her across the room he yelled, “Mommy, I have to pee!”

The mother, embarrassed, takes the boy to the bathroom and locks the door. She turns to the boy and says, “You can’t be yelling across rooms that you need to pee. It’s very rude. How about we have our own codeword? Instead of screaming ‘I have to pee’ you say ‘I have to whisper’ and then nobody will know!”

The boy agrees, finishes his business, and rejoins his friends for the rest of the party. The next night, the boy is staying over at his grandfather’s place. He wakes up in the middle of the night and he has to pee. He goes into his grandpa’s room and wakes him up.

Gently the boy says, “Grandpa, I have to whisper.”

The confused grandfather answers, “Not right now, you can whisper in the morning”.

The boy starts to squirm, “But grandpa, I really need to whisper”.

Not wanting to get out of bed, his grandfather says, “I said not right now, I’ll whisper all you want in the morning”.

The boy started to dance, “But grandpa I reeeaally need to whisper”.

“Well alright then,” the grandfather said, “whisper very quietly, into your grandpa’s ear”.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1088

Post by Doc Dan »

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?​


“Oops!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1089

Post by Doc Dan »

A woman goes to her lawyer and tells him she wants to divorce her husband.

“Okay,” says the lawyer. “Do you have any grounds?”

“A few acres,” says the woman. “But there’s nothing valuable on it.”

“That’s not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

“Yes, that’s where I park my car,” says the woman.

The lawyer is annoyed. “Why do you want a divorce?!”

The woman shrugs. “We have trouble communicating.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1090

Post by Doc Dan »

The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. He decides to prove his tough work ethic to his employees when he sees a guy leaning against a wall, playing on his phone.

“What do you think you’re doing?” the CEO demands.

“Just killing time, waiting to get paid,” says the man, shrugging.

“How much do you make each week?”

“About $400, I think,” says the man.

The CEO pulls out his wallet and hands the man $800.

“Here’s two weeks. Now get out of here!”

The man takes the money and leaves. The CEO turns to his new employees.

“That’s the way things are going to be from now on. What do you think of that?”

One employee puts his hand up. “I think he just got the largest tip he’s ever seen for a single pizza.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1091

Post by Doc Dan »

At one of her Sunday school sessions, Susie was called on by the teacher.

“Now, Susie, tell me the truth: do you say your prayers before eating like you’ve been taught?”

“Of course not,” says Susie. “My mum’s a better cook than you.”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1092

Post by Doc Dan »

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty
dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1093

Post by Doc Dan »

Why do millennials have such a poor taste in humor?

Bc wn u to them a joke they don't get it for
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1094

Post by Doc Dan »

Q: What did the werewolf say when he met the vampire?
A: Fleas to meet you.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1095

Post by Doc Dan »

When you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes

Aware wolf.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1096

Post by Doc Dan »

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1097

Post by Doc Dan »

I had to call the doctor after he suggested I use Preparation H. I told him I got a really bad reaction when I used it.
He asked me "where did you apply it?"
"On the bus" I said.



:rofl
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1098

Post by Brock O Lee »

While most puns make me feel numb,
Maths puns make me feel number.

🤓
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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1099

Post by Brock O Lee »

Man, this thread is a treasure trove! 😍 I missed it somehow...
Hans

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Re: Family friendly jokes

#1100

Post by Doc Dan »

Brock O Lee wrote:
Fri Oct 28, 2022 10:38 pm
Man, this thread is a treasure trove! 😍 I missed it somehow...
Now that you've found it, post some more family friendly jokes.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)

Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)



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