Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

What happened when the turkey got in a fight? The stuffing was knocked out of him.

[Doc Dan]

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the local police station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he said. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her yet?” the sergeant asks the officer.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet,” he said.

[Doc Dan]

Joe invited his friend Bob over for dinner one evening after a long day at work. When they got to the front door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for dinner, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her again and told her how much he loved her.

Later in the evening, Bob told Joe that he was surprised by how much he fussed over his wife. Joe said he’d started doing it about six months ago and that it had revived their marriage completely.

Interested in the idea, Bob thought he’d give it a go with his wife. So, when he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

Suddenly, his wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She blubbered: “This is the worst day of my life. First, Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home as drunk as can be!”

[Doc Dan]

An elderly lady boarded a very crowded bus and, as all the seats were taken, she stood in the middle.

A young man began to get up but she shook her head and gently sat him back down. “No thank you, sonny, I can stand,” she said.

A few moments later he tried to rise again.

“No, no, thank you!” she said pushing him back again, a bit more forcefully this time.

The man let out an audible groan and finally piped up: “Please let me get up, lady. I’m already two blocks past my stop now.”

[Doc Dan]

A lady is having a bad day at the table in the casino. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries: “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests: “Why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, he hears a great commotion at the roulette table. He thinks maybe she finally won.

He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. He is stunned to see the lady lying on the floor with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks: “What happened? Is she all right?”

“I don’t know,” the table operator answers. “She put everything on number 50 and when 66 came up, she screamed and then fainted.”

[Doc Dan]

Boss: “Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.”
Man: “I wouldn't say I've been missing it.”

[Doc Dan]

Two little boys were at sitting together in a church during a wedding ceremony.

As the couple said “I do”, one of the little boys leaned over to the other and asked, “I wonder how many wives can a man have?”

The second little boy looked at his friend like he was an idiot and said, “He can have 16 wives.”

“How do you know that?” The first little boy asked.

“Weren’t you listening? The priest just said it. Four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”

[Doc Dan]

A husband and wife were enjoying dinner out together one night.

When they finished their food the waiter gave them both fortune cookies to open.

“Wow,” the wife said after opening hers. “Mine says ‘Be quiet for a while’.”

The husband quipped, “What a coincidence! Mine says ‘Talk while you have the chance’!”

[Doc Dan]

A woman walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting ‘Love’ stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her and she walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says: “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine’s Day cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the woman. The man replies: “I’m a divorce lawyer.”

[Doc Dan]

Two women on a bus fighting over the last seat.

The conductor had already unsuccessfully tried to intervene. Finally, the driver yelled at the women, "Let the ugly one have it".

Both women stood for the rest of the ride.

[Doc Dan]

Sorry... but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in town.
I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Yesterday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it.
I took it home and found out it didn't work.
So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO."
I asked to speak to a manager as I'm really annoyed.
I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement.
Grrrrrrrrr...
I'll tell you what...
I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again!

[Doc Dan]

Ancestry.com
Arkansas’s #1 dating website.

[Doc Dan]

Max went into the doctor’s office for his annual check-up, and the doctor asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. Max told him that his suit must have shrunk over the last year because it didn’t fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The doctor said: “Suits don’t shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few kilos”.

“That’s just it, Doc, I know I haven’t gained a single kilo since the last time I wore it.”

“Well, then,” said Doc. “You must have a case of Furniture Disease.”

“What in the world is Furniture Disease?” asked Max.

“That’s when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.”

[Doc Dan]

A man was on his deathbed. With a weak, but determined gasp he whispered to his wife, "I have one last request, dear."

"Of course. Anything," she said, clutching his hand.

"Six months after I did I want you to marry Bob," he gasped.

"But, I thought you hated Bob," she said in surprise.

He replied, "I do."

[Doc Dan]

When the Pope was visiting America, he told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were travelling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”

The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor”.

Then the chief asked: “Is it the governor?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor”.

The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”

The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President”.

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”

The policeman calmly whispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who is this guy, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur”.

[Doc Dan]

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. He went to the finest tailor in town to get measured, and a week later he returned for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him: “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered: “Yes, I did”.

To this the tailor said: “Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

[Doc Dan]

A man goes to take out a loan at a Manhattan bank. The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan. So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.

The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.

“One moment, please.”

The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank. Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.

An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it. Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”

The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

[Doc Dan]

[Doc Dan]

Who else has a good one?

[Doc Dan]

For the first time in many years a grumpy old man decided that, at last, there was a movie showing that he might actually like.

He was in for a surprise when he discovered that even after showing his pension card that a ticket cost $7.50.

“When I was a boy, it only cost the equivalent of 50 cents,” he muttered to the young ticket seller.

“Well, Sir, I’m sure you will enjoy this feature. Movies even come with sound now.”