Family friendly jokes
- Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes
I can relate to this one!!
A husband and wife wake up one morning. The husband leans over to kiss his wife on the cheek.
“Don’t touch me, I’m dead,” his wife said.
”What on earth are you talking about,” he said, “We’re both lying here talking”.
The wife replies, “I know, but I’m definitely dead”.
“You can’t be dead… what in the world makes you think you are dead?”
His wife replies, “I must be dead. I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”
A husband and wife wake up one morning. The husband leans over to kiss his wife on the cheek.
“Don’t touch me, I’m dead,” his wife said.
”What on earth are you talking about,” he said, “We’re both lying here talking”.
The wife replies, “I know, but I’m definitely dead”.
“You can’t be dead… what in the world makes you think you are dead?”
His wife replies, “I must be dead. I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:
'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light.
'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:
'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light.
'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Manixguy@1994
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Re: Family friendly jokes
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
- Doc Dan
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Re: Family friendly jokes
A man bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle so he could take his girlfriend on long drives.
Unfortunately, he was unable to hear his girlfriend when she was talking to him due to the loud noise of the motorcycle. He sold the Royal Enfield Bullet and bought a Honda car, instead.
He and his girlfriend got married and...
Two years later he sold the Honda car and bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle.
Unfortunately, he was unable to hear his girlfriend when she was talking to him due to the loud noise of the motorcycle. He sold the Royal Enfield Bullet and bought a Honda car, instead.
He and his girlfriend got married and...
Two years later he sold the Honda car and bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Manixguy@1994
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- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:12 pm
- Location: Central Illinois
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Re: Family friendly jokes
That is a good one ! Like it . MG2Doc Dan wrote: ↑Mon Jan 17, 2022 11:19 pmA man bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle so he could take his girlfriend on long drives.
Unfortunately, he was unable to hear his girlfriend when she was talking to him due to the loud noise of the motorcycle. He sold the Royal Enfield Bullet and bought a Honda car, instead.
He and his girlfriend got married and...
Two years later he sold the Honda car and bought a Royal Enfield Bullet 500cc motorcycle.
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
- Manixguy@1994
- Member
- Posts: 12413
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:12 pm
- Location: Central Illinois
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Re: Family friendly jokes
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Re: Family friendly jokes
I live my life by 3 unwritten rules:
1.
2.
3.
1.
2.
3.
All SE all the time since 2017
~David
~David
- Manixguy@1994
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Re: Family friendly jokes
Now that is funny ! Made me smile !
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
- Doc Dan
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- Posts: 14753
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
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Re: Family friendly jokes
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Doc Dan
- Member
- Posts: 14753
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
- Location: In a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity.
Re: Family friendly jokes
I'm reading a book called "Quick Money For Dummies" by Robin Banks.
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Re: Family friendly jokes
Good on you fellas. I always get a chuckle here.
Wish I had some clean jokes to contribute.
Wish I had some clean jokes to contribute.
A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin
Re: Family friendly jokes
First time I looked into this thread. Hilarious! I'll be back to read more for sure. If nobody has contributed this gem from Emo Philips yet:
When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Steel novice who self-identifies as a steel expert. Proud M.N.O.S.D. member 0003. Spydie Steels: 4V, 15V, 20CV, AEB-L, AUS6, Cru-Wear, HAP40, K294, K390, M4, Magnacut, S110V, S30V, S35VN, S45VN, SPY27, SRS13, T15, VG10, XHP, ZWear, ZDP189
- Doc Dan
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- Posts: 14753
- Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:25 am
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Re: Family friendly jokes
Hahaha! Good one!
I Pray Heaven to Bestow The Best of Blessing on THIS HOUSE, and on ALL that shall hereafter Inhabit it. May none but Honest and Wise Men ever rule under This Roof! (John Adams regarding the White House)
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
Follow the Christ, the King,
Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King--
Else, wherefore born?" (Tennyson)
NRA Life Member
Spydernation 0050
- Manixguy@1994
- Member
- Posts: 12413
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:12 pm
- Location: Central Illinois
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Re: Family friendly jokes
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
- Manixguy@1994
- Member
- Posts: 12413
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:12 pm
- Location: Central Illinois
- Contact:
Re: Family friendly jokes
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
- Manixguy@1994
- Member
- Posts: 12413
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:12 pm
- Location: Central Illinois
- Contact:
Re: Family friendly jokes
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Re: Family friendly jokes
Soon to be 10 year old step daughter and I were playing Oculus (virtual reality) mini golf the other night. I was at home and she was at her fathers (who also has one) and her and I were playing a mini golf game against each other. You can link up with friends and talk to one another while playing.
We're playing and I miss a pretty easy putt. She laughs and tells me I suck haha. Next hole I take another bad swing...next thing I know I hear her say "DING DING DING" and I asked her why she said that. She says "that's the sound of the elevator to bring you to my level"
I was speechless, burned by a child and had nothing to come back with!
We're playing and I miss a pretty easy putt. She laughs and tells me I suck haha. Next hole I take another bad swing...next thing I know I hear her say "DING DING DING" and I asked her why she said that. She says "that's the sound of the elevator to bring you to my level"
I was speechless, burned by a child and had nothing to come back with!
15 's in 10 different steels
1 - Bradford Guardian 3 / Vanadis 4E Wharnie
1 - Monterey Bay Knives Slayback Flipper / ZDP 189
1 - CRK Small Sebenza 31/Macassar Ebony Inlays
1 - CRK Large Inkosi Insingo/ Black Micarta Inlays
1 - CRK Small Sebenza 31 Insingo/Magnacut
-Rick
1 - Bradford Guardian 3 / Vanadis 4E Wharnie
1 - Monterey Bay Knives Slayback Flipper / ZDP 189
1 - CRK Small Sebenza 31/Macassar Ebony Inlays
1 - CRK Large Inkosi Insingo/ Black Micarta Inlays
1 - CRK Small Sebenza 31 Insingo/Magnacut
-Rick
- Manixguy@1994
- Member
- Posts: 12413
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:12 pm
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Re: Family friendly jokes
That’s the best policy! I have a granddaughter story but this is family friendly . Very funny !TkoK83Spy wrote: ↑Thu Jan 27, 2022 2:22 pmSoon to be 10 year old step daughter and I were playing Oculus (virtual reality) mini golf the other night. I was at home and she was at her fathers (who also has one) and her and I were playing a mini golf game against each other. You can link up with friends and talk to one another while playing.
We're playing and I miss a pretty easy putt. She laughs and tells me I suck haha. Next hole I take another bad swing...next thing I know I hear her say "DING DING DING" and I asked her why she said that. She says "that's the sound of the elevator to bring you to my level"
I was speechless, burned by a child and had nothing to come back with!
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
- Manixguy@1994
- Member
- Posts: 12413
- Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 12:12 pm
- Location: Central Illinois
- Contact:
Re: Family friendly jokes
MNOSD 0002 / Do more than is required of you . Patton
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Nothing makes earth so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.
Henry David Thoreau
Re: Family friendly jokes
Beloved wife said I couldn’t make a bike out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I rode pasta.
You should have seen her face when I rode pasta.
A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~ Charlie Chaplin