Family friendly jokes

[Doc Dan]

[kwakster]

[Doc Dan]

For past 10 years my wife has been complaining to me about not putting the cap back on the toothpaste. On our anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally, last night she turned and looked at me and said, “Why did you stop brushing your teeth?!”

———-

I bought a new ‘extra sensitive’ toothpaste the other day.

It’s doesn’t work any better. It just sits in the shower and cries.

[Doc Dan]

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his wife who was sobbing. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it …

“This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

“Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it … all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.

“It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer … and, honest Mister, all I did was tell her!”

[Doc Dan]

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician…”

‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”

‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in ****. After that however, you’re free to choose where you want to spend eternity!”

‟Wait, I have to spend a day in ****?” says the politician.

‟Them’s the rules” says St Peter. He clicks his fingers and *woomph*, the guy disappears.

He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he’s in ****. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds … Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can’t be right?

‟Open your eyes!” says a voice. ‟C’mon, wakey wakey, we have only got 24 hours!”

Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he’s in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite … And there’s a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini.

‟Who are you??” The politician asks.

‟Well, I’m Satan!” says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. ‟Welcome to ****!”

‟Wait, this is ****? But … Where’s all the pain and suffering?” he asks.

Satan throws him a wink. ‟Oh, we have been a bit misrepresented over the years, it’s a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there’s extra towels next to the spa tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It’s a beautiful day, and if you’d care to look outside …”

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.

‟It’s one of five pro-level courses on-site, and there’s another six just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!” says Satan, answering his unasked question.

They head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. As he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he’s admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he’s admired but died long before his career started.

Out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek.

Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2-foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life.

Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear … And they return to their penthouse suite. After several hours of intense passion, the man falls into a deep and happy sleep.

He is woken up by St Peter.

‟So, that was ****. Wasn’t what you were expecting, I bet?”

‟No sir!” says the man.

‟So then,” says St Peter, ‟you can make your choice. It’s ****, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on.”

‟Well, I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I would prefer ****,” says the politician.

‟Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!” St Peter clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other.

‟What’s this?” the politician cries. ‟Where’s the hotel? Where’s my wife? Where’s the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine?”

‟Ah,” says Satan. ‟You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted.”

[Doc Dan]

During a church service, the priest asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Susie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief.

The priest rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

[Doc Dan]

Two blonds are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blonds leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."

Hearing this, the other blond leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

***

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

***

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

[legOFwhat?]

Why do ducks have feathers?



To cover their butt quack

[Doc Dan]

I had a call from a scammer the other day. I had fun with this one.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Okay.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”


NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

[Doc Dan]

Three men are sentenced to death. They are to be killed by the guillotine.

The first man was a priest. The executioner says, “You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down.”

The priest says, “I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens.”

So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls rapidly but suddenly stops just 1 inch from the priest’s neck. Given the miracle, the priest is allowed to walk free.

The next man was an alcoholic. The executioner offers him the same choice, “Do you want to lie facing up or facing down?”

The alcoholic says, “I want to face up … to remember my glorious drinking days.”

So the alcoholic lies face up. The executioner releases the blade, and again, it suddenly stops just 1 inch from the man’s neck. Given the miracle, the alcoholic is allowed to walk free.

Finally, it’s the last man’s turn. He’s an engineer. Once again, the executioner offers him the same choice, “Face up or face down?”

The engineer scratches his head and says, “Face up I guess.”

So the engineer lies face up. Just as the executioner is about to release the blade, the engineer starts shouting. “Wait! Wait! I’ve found the problem!”

[Doc Dan]

A lady walks into Tiffany & Co, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’t anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her, good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all the qualities one would expect in a store like Tiffany’s.

He politely greets the lady with “good day Madam, how May we help you today?”

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping the salesman somehow missed her little incident, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely necklace?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, imagine what’s going to happen when I tell you the price.”

[Doc Dan]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[Doc Dan]

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. The nurses were frustrated by him because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him either.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading I can’t use an oral thermometer.”

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, she said to him, “I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!”

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”

After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a tulip up his butt!”

[Doc Dan]

Two senior ladies were out for a Sunday drive. Neither of them could really see too much over the dashboard.

When they came to an intersection, the light was red yet they kept on cruising through. The passenger thought to herself, “I feel like I’m losing it, but I swear we just drove through a red light.”

A few minutes later, they drove through another red light. The passenger was almost certain that the light had been red, but was still slightly concerned that she might be going mad, so she decided to give the driver one last chance.

As they were approaching the next intersection, the passenger paid a great deal of attention. This time the lights were certainly red, yet just as before they just sped past.

“Susan!” the passenger yelled. “Do you know we just ran three red lights in a row? We could have been killed!”

“Oh, am I driving?” came the reply.

[Doc Dan]

A log chopper came looking for a job in a lumber camp. The foreman said, “I don’t know if this is the kind of job you want; here we chop trees.”

The woodchopper said, “That’s precisely the sort of work I do.”

The foreman replied, “Okay, here’s an axe. Let’s see how long it takes you to chop down this tree here.”

The woodchopper went over to the tree and felled it with one blow.

The foreman, amazed, said, ” Okay, try that big one over there.”

The woodchopper went over to the tree. *Biff*, *Bam* In two strokes the tree was down.

“Fantastic!” cried the foreman. “Of course you are hired, but how did you ever learn to chop like that?”

“Oh,” he replied, “I’ve had plenty of practice in the Sahara Forest.”

The foreman thought for a moment. “You mean,” he said, “the Sahara Desert?”

“Oh yes,” replied the woodchopper. “That’s what they call it now that I've finished!"

[Doc Dan]

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

“Don’t worry;” says the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand,” says the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you?”

“On my finger!” screamed the man in pain. “The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”

“Which one?” the doctor says.

“How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!”

———-

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

[Doc Dan]

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook a meal.

Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

[Manixguy@1994]

[Doc Dan]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, “And what are those?”

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

[Doc Dan]

Arguing with your wife is like reading a software licensing agreement.

In the end you just ignore everything and click ‘I agree’.